Angry? How Conflict Transformation Can Help the Whole Family

Posted on May 19, 2020August 3, 2020 by Julie Penshorn

Track from “I STOP for Peace”. Music and short children’s dialogues make learning fun and easy.

Conflict transformation in our families can be life-changing.

What do you do when you have a problem with a spouse or child? Most of us can’t claim great skills for working it out. Most of us never learned how. Kids are learning, however. Often it’s not until fourth grade, but most children get some education in conflict resolution at school. In this article, I’ll catch you up to what they are learning and give you four simple steps to use that will transform the conflicts in your home. These steps are appropriate for you, and even for your three-year-old.

In this ever-more complicated world, inter-personal conflicts and inter-familial conflicts may be what causes us the most anguish. Transforming our conflicts is a key to our happiness and is critical for our children’s futures.

What’s the difference between conflict resolution and conflict transformation?

Conflict transformation benefits from sharing deeply. For partners, it is important to talk about the underlying feelings of fear, hurt, sadness, loneliness, worry, or frustration, rather than trying to be right. It’s far more beneficial to demonstrate to spouse and onlooking kids that you care about each other than it is to show them you can win an argument.

The transformation of children’s conflicts requires the same things, with one more important component. A valid solution is not a top-down solution. Often conflict resolution is. For example, a resolution imposed by a more powerful country or individual (such as a teacher or parent) is now “resolved” but it’s not “transformed”. That may be why it usually reappears! Top-down solutions lack buy-in and often result in imperfect resolutions. Conflict transformation implies that people work to a solution that can actually help them move beyond the current anger and hostility to a much greater relationship having come to a deeper understanding. They are ready and able to move beyond where they started.

Tough times can be opportunities to partner with family.

Using our tough times as opportunities, we can find partners in family members. Of course, you don’t want to share every problem with young children. It may cause anxiety. However, they appreciate knowing, as an example, that you are sad or angry because you can’t go to work, and you love your job. They like to understand that whatever you are bothered by is not their fault. That is reassuring. So, some sharing invites more collaboration from members of your family. Even three-year-olds often have wonderful help to offer! “Dad, don’t worry! I can keep you company if you’re lonesome for your work friends.” Or, “Mom, I want to be your work partner today. Let’s plant the garden.”

Missing interaction with peers can cause slower social skill development

Since kids who have missed interacting with their peers lately are missing valuable social and emotional learning, you get to home-school it. To build better relationships and skills for dealing with others in school, home, or the workplace, you can help them learn the valuable skills to transform conflicts from sentences of isolation to opportunities for connection. It takes practice. And, like baseball or tennis, the more kids practice, the better they will be as adults, and the more likely they will be to have work and social success. The skills they learn help prepare them for more happiness and deeper relationships.

Pciture of boy asking others to stay at the new 6' social distance.

As children are isolated from others, including their grandparents, social skills can suffer.

You can reduce the impact of Covid-19 isolation on your kids.

To ward off the impact of Covid-19 on our kids, we need to innoculate them against the PTSD and trauma experts expect them to suffer. (This article by Sonali Kohli offers a comprehensive look at the mental health consequences of Covid-19 for California’s children–a microcosm of those in the entire country.) You have the best medicine! Guide them with conflict transformation skills, skills for seeing peace, and help them find purpose in serving others. For this blog, the focus is on skills for conflict transformation. It is a key ingredient in social skill education. According to Nadine Burke Harris, who cites a longitudinal study in her TED talk, health, happiness, and even ability to earn a living are at stake.

Learning versus teaching. . .

Kids are not interested in being “taught”, but they are fully ready to “learn.” What hampers buy-in for kids is being told to do something. They want to discover it! They want to know, “What’s in it for me?” It’s definitely helpful if they see the benefit of learning to work out problems. Thus, experiencing you and your spouse or friend working out problems and celebrating your success is a great way for kids to learn. However, when they are working it out with someone, not you, and you interfere too much it will be YOUR solution and they won’t learn nearly as well.

The capable parent sometimes helps too much.

Well-meaning, capable parents (who remind me of me, so this hits me first-hand), sometimes don’t let kids do the struggling, the seeking, the challenging work of finding peace themselves. Instead, they are coaching and solving all the time. It’s hard! Try to see not helping as part of the educational journey for all. As your child develops independence with the skills, you will be impressed!

Use a story to do the teaching.

The cover of The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace book

The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace children’s book illustrates and inspires conflict transformation as it teaches through story.

There is research about the benefits of storytelling as a tool for teaching. Do a Google search and you’ll see more than enough to convince you! Here is a lovely article on the topic. Using stories, parents don’t even have to “teach.” by taking yourself out of the equation, you reduce the likelihood of a power struggle preventing learning (“Mom wants me to do this, so I will say ‘No.'”).

Start with a good story about stopping!

Because I felt so strongly about the need for a story to empower young children to solve their problems, I wrote the children’s book, “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace.” If you like, read the reviews to see how other parents and teachers have been using this book, and why. Since I am a singer and songwriter, I added a musical component. The “I STOP for Peace” CD or electronic music offers a real-life story with young kids singing and telling it.

The “STOP for Peace” process offers conflict transformation for all ages.

Boys fighting over toys need conflict resolution skills

Conflicts over scarce resources can be transformed at the peace table.

Establish your own special place for working out problems–maybe a peace table!

“Since children are concrete learners, they appreciate having a specific place designated for problem-solving or conflict resolution. The peace table is in that space, which becomes a respected and appreciated area representing empowerment, not punishment.” (Janke, Penshorn, 1995, page 40. From our 1995 book, “Peacemaker’s A, B, Cs for Young Children: A Guide for Teaching Conflict Resolution With a Peace Table” by Rebecca Janke, M.Ed. and Julie Penshorn which is out-of-print, but a few copies are available by emailing julie@smarttoolsforlife.com.).

After we stop and breathe we can sit at a peace table and work it out.

Decorate your peace table

It’s helpful to place the peace table in a space where the steps for conflict resolution can also be posted. You can use the coloring page on the home page of this site or order a full-color version in our store. Children often enjoy decorating their peace table. There are more ideas on Pinterest. Of course, if you’re not at home you can just use whatever is handy (such as a rock, a talking piece, an upturned bucket) as a peace table. You are just looking for an energetic focal point.

A peace table in your home reduces whining, tattling, and bullying, and increases kids’ power to succeed in life. It gives them the confidence to try even more peacemaking, and wage peace in more ways.

Parents and teachers can dampen children’s enthusiasm.

Compare these requests: 1). “Sam, you and Jamal go to the peace table and work this out.” or 2). “Sam, you and Jamal will have time to go to the peace table after lunch. Do you think you will be cooled off by then?” The second feels quite different but uses almost the same words. Teaching is a bit like filling a helium balloon. You fill it with love, fill it with stories, fill it with role modeling, and then, ultimately, you can just let it go and it will fly!

Adults and children can both use the peace table but don’t interfere with the children unless the conflict involves you.

Steps for the STOP for Peace process

Step 1: Stop and breathe.

Start by stopping to breathe and calm down. Here’s a song to help guide young children. The CD or E-music is available here.

It may take some time to cool off. It’s going to take a least 20 minutes for the chemicals in the brain to settle down, so don’t rush the process. Tell your conflict partner you need time to cool off and then demonstrate deep breathing for him or her. Especially if it’s a child. Your demonstration does a great deal to aid the learning process.

Conflict transformation can begin by getting back to personal peace with breathing.

Step 2: Tell how you feel.

Use an I-message when you are ready to work it out. See this blog for an extensive look at this step and how it relates to developing empathy in kids. This step is the essence of the work. Once you care enough to learn how each other feels your compassion is inspired and you have done most of the hard work.

Guard against making the other person responsible for your feelings. You have your feelings. They are yours. no one “made” you have that feeling. That’s why the format of the I-message tries to avoid using the word “you”. It’s not, “You make me sad because you are ignoring me.” It works much better to use something like, “I feel sad when I am left alone to work on my schoolwork alone for too long.” Active listening includes repeating what your conflict partner has said, so you are sure you fully understand and they are honored by your deep listening and respect of their feelings.

Step 3: Open your mind.

This is the brainstorming phase. If your children don’t write yet, they can still be independent at the peace table process. They can draw a picture of their ideas or ask you for help writing down their ideas. When brainstorming, don’t evaluate. Don’t censor. Just write down every idea, even if it seems to be a crazy thing. Then, in the next step, you will edit, combine, or eliminate ideas that don’t fit the criteria.

Step 4: Plan a deal.

Any good solution has to be good for me, good for you, and good for the community (from “Peacemaker’s A, B, Cs for Young Children: A Guide for Teaching Conflict Resolution with a Peace Table”). Applying this standard helps make sure the solution is workable and sustainable. Be sure to celebrate your success in making a plan! After reaching a resolution, it’s great to celebrate overtly, like by having a “problem-solving-pizza-party,” or a “solution-special-snowshoe-trip,” or a “transformation-time-TV-show”. If your solution doesn’t work out, go back to step O, Open your mind. Brainstorm some more ideas, choose one, and try again!

Peace education is a comprehensive approach to children’s mental health.

It gives children something to be “for” rather than spending all their energies focusing on all the challenges they face. It fits under the umbrella of SEL (social and emotional learning) beautifully but goes beyond. Instead of just seeking skills for getting along, it positions kids to build a purposeful future. Seeking personal and interpersonal peace, doing kind and compassionate acts, being generous, and taking creative, positive actions all contribute to this way of life. Show your enthusiasm for children’s efforts to be peacemakers!

Refugee Children? Selfish Reasons to Care

Posted on June 27, 2018June 27, 2018 by Julie Penshorn

Refugee children are not new.

Refugee children are now at the forefront of our reality. Every country struggles with what to do with the burgeoning numbers of people crossing borders to flee some sort of misery. Fundamental problems of governance and resource distribution create challenges far beyond the attention spans of most of us, as we navigate our busy lives.

So why should you care about these immigrants and/or refugee children? Even if a moral argument doesn’t sway you, it’s in your own self-interest to care. Just pure logic leads to the simple conclusion that it’s much more expensive to treat illnesses than to prevent them.

Beyond the expenses of health care, today’s children are tomorrow’s teens and adults

Who will our children become? Even with a caring, loving family and few traumatic incidents, children can grow up with emotional issues that make them dangerous to themselves and others. But the outcomes in terms of their health, happiness, and even their ability to earn a living, says Nadine Burke Harris, are clearly impacted by their early life experiences. We are only recently beginning to recognize the full impact of trauma on children’s developing lives.

While acknowledging that we have only a small perspective, Growing Communities for Peace, through its project Smart Tools for Life, seeks to create a more peaceful world for all children with our books and music. Some of us, like Director, Julie Penshorn (right in the video above) even make impromptu videos such as this, because we do feel morally compelled to speak out about the refugee children and their situation right now!

The best defense against violence starts with young children

Whether you are talking about preventing destructive gangs, drug addiction, or school shootings, raising healthy babies, toddlers, and elementary-age children is a crucial beginning. Developing literacy, including peace literacy*, is also empowering. Our new book, I Can See Peace is a vehicle for young children to begin developing their emotional “smarts,” and gain some of the tools they need for their entire lives.

I Can See Peace not just for refugee children book

I Can See Peace new children’s book available on Kindle now.

We recognize that creating a more peaceful world is a long process

Many of us feel overwhelmed since keeping up with the complicated miseries all over the world is daunting. Some are exhausted already and say, “It’s too much, we are too late. What can one person do?” One person can do a lot.

Six simple suggestions for growing healthy communities

Hold your child or grandchild in your lap and read a bedtime or daytime story. Pick an educational book like The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace or our new book I Can See Peace.
Demonstrate compassion as your child learns. Listen to them! Create realistic boundaries for behavior, and correct children in respectful ways when they make mistakes.
Listen when people that have different points-of-view try to convince you they are right and you are wrong. Don’t automatically shut them down. Listen with real open ears. Say, “I’ll have to think about that.” It’s very honoring to the other person to know they encouraged you to think. Don’t dismiss people out-of-hand because their opinions are different. Try to avoid unfriending them!
Watch and read diverse media. A singular media diet can become addictive and unhealthy, just like only eating one food!
Read to yourself and with your children. Choose books that include multicultural and diverse individuals. That way the foreign becomes the familiar.
Learn about Adverse Childhood Experiences and their comprehensive consequences. Recent research shows how critically children are suffering in this country from the consequences of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). ACEs contribute to tremendous long-term suffering and health issues for both immigrants and our own population. Click this link to an excellent TED talk that goes into some detail without being overly complex.

The Compassionate Rebel is a formula for transformation

When we compiled and wrote “The Compassionate Rebel: Energized by Anger, Motivated by Love“

The Compassionate Rebel: Energized by Anger, Motived by Love

in 2002, and wrote the words of Tom La Blanc (who is pictured here on the cover with his granddaughter), little did we know we could see such suffering and trauma inflicted on young refugee children on our southern border.

“Oh, Grandfather God! Pity us, for we are a weak and a lost people! We ask only that our little ones and unborn be allowed to grow strong within the winds of their own directions. For we look about us in these times and see children of all colors being abused, neglected, exploited, and denied. This we do not want amongst our circle, so this is our prayer, this is our mind, this is our law.” Tom La Blanc from The Compassionate Rebel: Energized by Anger, Motivated by Love, 2002, stories collected and written by Burt Berlowe, Rebecca Janke, and Julie Penshorn.

The compassionate person may have great anger right now, but self-interest says “cool it”

We have seen tremendous divisiveness in our country over the past couple of years. It has prompted some to bash the other political side when their anger swells up. Instead, the Compassionate Rebel says, “I am angry and I have compassion for all sides. I will find a peaceful way. Perhaps I will find a wonderfully creative or unusual way.”

With win-lose thinking, everyone loses

Perpetuating the politics of win-lose, good-bad, right-wrong is a dead end. It can only lead to more division. That’s why the video above starts with, “Nobody listened when I told my deep thoughts. They shut their ears up like they were robots.” Because in my own self-interest, I want dialogues with people of diverse opinions and backgrounds, where each listens to the other’s points-of-view. I want to be challenged to assess my “facts” and the other person can be challenged on theirs as well. Together, often we can seek a peaceful way forward.

What if we talked?

Often our politicians hope we are divisive. Polarization builds motivation to vote. If our politicians could work across the aisle, they probably wouldn’t get reelected since their base would turn against them. What if we elected Compassionate Rebels who could think long-term about the health of the relationship, the planet, and the country when they voted? What if they talked, collaborated, and worked on problems like functioning businesses, boardrooms, and neighborhoods? How do we build a culture where people can talk to each other with respect? We have to start young.

Our new children’s book is just out in Kindle

I Can See Peace is a profound, inspirational journey told with multicultural art and simple rhyming phrases that can help children in many different types of situations imagine beauty and peace back into their lives.

I Can See Peace new children’s book available on Kindle now.

It depicts children with challenges around family conflict, bullying, and health issues seeking something more, and finding it! If you get it on Kindle (Free right now or $1.99) and review it kindly, then, when it is released on International Day of Peace, September 21, 2018, it will have much more success getting to the hands of other Amazon shoppers. So, a purchase and a review are votes for peace! They are votes in your own self-interest, for your future conversations, your future health care costs, and your future politicians.

Who cares about making a statement or a “vote” for peace?

Every person who has someone they care about and love has an obligation to think. To think long-term, deeply, and carefully, about who our children will grow up to be, with whom they will interact, and where the dangers for them will originate. Without critical thinking, we become easily manipulated by ruthless and unethical people.

Let’s find a Compassionate Rebel solution for another really polarizing issue

When we consider the issue of gun control, we frequently polarize ourselves into immobility. We take no action because we are confused about the best one. Or, we are so stubborn in our views we don’t even want to hear another point-of-view. But we don’t need to be in that situation! Most people on the right or the left agree that young children need to be raised in a healthy, safe environment for positive mental health. So we can quite easily focus on something we agree on and move forward on that! How can we support children’s healthy development?

Who are we as Americans? Is this how America should be?

Eudaimonia has a scathing and frightening assessment of our current actions on the southern border. They say what we are doing to these young refugees and other immigrant children is genocide. If you want to read more, check out their rationale for that opinion here. I don’t disagree, but I am concerned that such labels are going to make solving things harder since no one likes to view themselves in that light.

We are a country founded with the idea that “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” are “inalienable rights.” When those words were written, the world was much more fragmented, since it took many days to travel to other countries. Now, we are less than a days plane ride from anywhere. Can we afford to believe that these are only rights for those in the United States?

My selfish hope is that other countries thrive

Selfishly, I hope others have similar rights since we live in a global community. That said, current situations in El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras and other countries around the world are daunting. To avoid having their children sold as sex slaves, conscripted into a gang, or disappeared, people make the arduous journey to the land of the free and home of the brave. Some just send their refugee children. They dream. That’s how they survive the journey. “It will be better in the United States.” They expect to have basic human rights when they arrive at the border of a great democracy. And, they are entitled to due process and to have their case heard.

All children benefit from our love and care

All of our children benefit from our guidance to stimulate their good memories, focus on the positive things in their lives, and help them find light in the darkness. It is ultimately both smart and selfish to care for our children and those all over the world. They are easier and more pleasant to be around. They will determine our shared future. We can’t count on barriers such as oceans or languages to keep us separate. We all share a common humanity — like it or not.

Our Constitution is an inspiring document

It gives us a framework to be as great as we can be. It’s quite a credit to its writers that it is still relevant. In the spirit of those immigrants who shaped our founding documents, I hope we can continue to be inspired to care for new immigrants, and especially to care for all the children within our shared circle — namely, our planet Earth!

Further information:

A June 20th NPR program goes into some specifics about long-term health consequences of our actions on our border. And, here is the point-of-view of the president of the American College of Pediatrics, Dr. Colleen Kraft, from a June 18 NPR interview.

For more reading, here is a link to numerous TED talks on refugees.

Here is a link to some information on different approaches to racial integration.

In St. Paul and Minneapolis, Minnesota peace and nonviolence enthusiasts are working on event planning on and for 9 days after International Day of Peace on September 21. Ten Days Free from Violence is coordinated by this group: Twin Cities Nonviolent.

The Corrections Accountability Project is a great resource for information about who benefits financially from the incarceration of immigrants and refugee children on the border and elsewhere.

*For more about “peace literacy” see the works of Paul K. Chappell.

Diverse learning styles offer challenges and opportunities, in a classroom or home!

Posted on August 15, 2017August 15, 2017 by Julie Penshorn

My friend Sam, was an ADHD student going through elementary school in the 60s. He had a miserable experience. The structure of a sit-down classroom was impossible for him, and soon he felt isolated and alone. He was sure that no one cared about him, that he belonged alone in the hall, and that school was a place to be hurt, embarrassed, and maligned. And he didn’t learn a thing. By 8^th grade he was so lost and behind that there was no catching up.

Dropping out early impacted Sam’s entire life. He couldn’t hold a job and had terribly low confidence. His defensiveness resulted in explosive, even violent outbursts. Sam’s life was forever impacted by the adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) he encountered. After he succumbed to the lure of drugs, he couldn’t hold a job, and ultimately ended up incarcerated for larceny. Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology and How You Can Heal by Donna Jackson Nakazawa, provides extensive additional reading on this topic. We highly recommend it!

There are many classrooms and families where Sam would not thrive. If children’s learning styles are not the same as the teacher’s or the parents’ it can be difficult for all. And since Sam has some adverse early childhood experiences such as I describe here (this topic, including what constitutes an adverse childhood experience, will be addressed more thoroughly in subsequent blogs), it becomes even more challenging for him.

Honoring diverse approaches to learning is a critical ability of a parent and/or a teacher

Yes, ACE training is now being provided more often for educators. Instead of harsh discipline, we are learning we must draw in closer to our children and follow their lead. We need to demonstrate love and care for the unique person each child is. By honoring each child’s unique needs and diverse learning styles we can make those critical connections that provide a different outcome from what happened in Sam’s story. If Sam’s teachers had known his family story of neglect, and how vulnerable he was in 3rd grade, after numerous moves from town to town, and the murder of his father, how might Sam’s life and the lives of those he touched, have been changed?

Julie Penshorn, MBC (left) and Rebecca Janke, M.Ed.

Two parents and teachers working to be the best we can be.

This is where Smart Tools for Life comes in. We provide smart tools for classrooms and homes for today’s children!

Hi, my name is Julie Penshorn. I am the author of the Smart Tools for Life children’s books on this site, with content editor and co-author, Rebecca Janke, who blogs at Children’s Peace Education Company (coming soon!). We’ve been working together over the years since 1992 with the nonprofit organization, Growing Communities for Peace.

Developing as a Teacher or Parent Educator

Though I didn’t have any ACEs growing up, I was, and still am an active learner. I evolved into an intense, driven riding teacher, following in the footsteps of my own teachers. It took some time for me to evolve my teaching toward facilitating. Only after I gained some age and perspective did I figure out that the best way for learning to occur for many of my students was to help them feel, learn, and become aware of an experience, on a deep level. I couldn’t “teach” it or “explain” it. The student had to find it. So, it was the horse that did the teaching, and I found my role as a facilitator and a guide. The capability of the horse was important, since heavy, dull, or lame horses gave bad lessons.

Learning to be an effective facilitator drove me to become a children’s book author. I thought maybe here was an opportunity to engage with the Sams of the world in a different way.

Bumper sticker: Life is Short: Ride a Good Horse! or Life is Short, Read a Good Book!

With limited time for children’s stories in classrooms and in homes, adults need good tools. I felt we needed smart tools for children’s lives, specifically stories and music that could educate them that being a loving, caring, participating, peacemaking person, capable of dialogue when in conflict and working out problems, was “normal.” They needed to become “peace literate.”

Children in a classroom are gathered around a globe to show they value all our Earth’s people and value diversity.

I saw that children were inherently filled with compassion for others and the planet, and that when they were in close connection with their families and teachers they learned better. With the help of Rebecca Janke, I discovered that I could create a unique learning experience for children by using the illustrations and words to bring a “feel” to the children, much like the way I learned to ride.

Stories and music provide the learning in a memorable way, and we can empathize with the animals or other characters in the story, and share their experiences vicariously. When children read our stories, or are read to, they can feel the characters’ pain and angst, their satisfaction, and their successes. They can see that the story has a given outcome because of the choices that were made along the way. The teacher or parent only must facilitate, which is easily done by reading the children’s book!

Children as the leaders in co-creating a culture of peace.

All our current and upcoming children’s books provide some suggestions for extending the learning in the back of the book. They meet state standard curriculum needs, but each book will also stand alone. So, just read them. Again. And again. Read them until the children recite passages from memory. Then it’s deep in their hearts. Then they “feel” it and you know their lives will be changed as they become the leaders in co-creating a culture of peace.

We need each child. No one is a “throw-away.” We need each flower, each butterfly, each bee, each tree, each ocean. Caring for the most maligned, the lonely, the hurt, the sick and the poor, the displaced, and the miserable, is the only way to bring peace to the planet. The way we raise our children has huge consequences — not only for the children — but also for our society! The children need us, as adults, to facilitate their journey into adulthood.

Smart Tools for Life makes teaching peacemaking skills easy for you, even if you’ve not been focusing on this in the past. We need these skills for our children’s future! Worried that you’re not a Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Dorothy Day, or Mother Theresa? Don’t worry! We make the road by walking. Let’s journey together!

Tag Archives: adverse childhood experiences