Coping with emotions and solving conflicts takes skills

PeacemakerMN offers children free books!

The cover of The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace book

As you surely know, the need for education for peace has not gone away! And, this children’s book for peace has been especially popular. In fact, Peacemaker Minnesota https://peacemakermn.org has given away hundreds of free copies of “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace” to appreciative children in St. Paul and suburban schools. They just got a grant to provide thousands of books teaching peacemaking and conflict transformation in Minneapolis – Yes, THOUSANDS! Your school, child or grandchild’s school, or friend’s classroom could be eligible for these free books for each child in the class. Musical in-class support is available too.

NEEDED!! They are looking for Minneapolis classrooms that want these FREE books! Please contact Dan McNeil at PeacemakerMN and find out more details. [email protected]

Clearly, we need to bring more skills for peacemaking and peacebuilding into the world. Unresolved conflicts and divisions have created the multiple wars and devastation raging today. This recent article cites Pope John Paul II. It reminds us that peace begins with each of us but we must be trained to become a peacemaker – meaning a person who is compassionate and kind and does right in the community and world. Parents and teachers need tools and wisdom to share peace with children, but the children can learn the skills even if their parents don’t.

“Peace is not essentially about structures but about people. Certain structures and mechanisms of peace—juridical, political, economic—are of course necessary and do exist, but they have been derived from nothing other than the accumulated wisdom and experience of innumerable gestures of peace made by men and women throughout history who have kept hope and have not given in to discouragement. Gestures of peace spring from the lives of people who foster peace first of all in their own hearts. They are the work of the heart and of reason in those who are peacemakers (cf. Mt 5:9). Gestures of peace are possible when people appreciate fully the community dimension of their lives, so that they grasp the meaning and consequences of events in their own communities and in the world. Gestures of peace create a tradition and a culture of peace. Religion has a vital role in fostering gestures of peace and in consolidating conditions for peace. It exercises this role all the more effectively if it concentrates on what is proper to it: attention to God, the fostering of universal brotherhood and the spreading of a culture of human solidarity”.

(John Paul II 2003, no. 9)

From: Promoting Peace through Christian Education in the Family, by  Elżbieta Osewska and Józef Stala, Faculty of Humanities, University of Applied Sciences in Tarnów, 33-100 Tarnów, Poland. The Faculty of Theology, Section in Tarnów, The Pontifical University of John Paul II in Kraków, 31-002 Kraków, Poland. Religions 2024, 15(2), 175; https://doi.org/10.3390/rel15020175, Published: 31 January 2024. (This article belongs to the Special Issue The Role of Religion in Marriage and Family Life)

Contact Peacemaker Minnesota today!

Thanks for all you do!

kids together

Five Ways to Help Kids Feel They Belong

New kids are not new, but their numbers are much higher

Children of today face a very fluid classroom community. They don’t know if their best friend will be there tomorrow. I recently visited a rural 2nd grade classroom. It was amazing to hear that one child had attended five different schools, three children have family members in jail, while several suffer from continual stress over violence at home.  It’s not only new kids, immigrants, and refugees that can feel left out and isolated. The lack of belonging in a classroom community is a persistent problem for many children.

Children who feel they belong can overcome more obstacles.

Developing classroom community where all belong

Developing classroom community

Teachers and caregivers are frequently called upon to provide the love and warmth missing at home.  Often parents are struggling with issues around poverty, drug addiction, PTSD, and more. A sense of belonging to the classroom community can ameliorate some of the damage caused by a struggling family system and uprooting.

The Body Keeps the Score

A fascinating book providing perspective on the topic of belonging is “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. This book details the impacts of trauma and PTSD on the brain. It’s readable and provides information about the underlying neuroscience. It shows how those with trauma and PTSD issues have different brain waves and different breath and heart syncing. It’s fascinating because he’s personally experienced in all the therapies and treatments he mentions. Thus, he has a deep understanding and a unique perspective. 

Don’t give up on wounded children. Provide a safe environment!

Van der  Kolk clearly says“People can learn to control and change their behavior, but only if they feel safe enough to experiment with new solutions. . . Where traumatized children are concerned, the last things we should be cutting from the school schedule are. . . chorus, physical education, recess, and anything else that involves movement, play, and other forms of joyful engagement.” (page 351).

Patricia Jennings, author of “The Trauma-Sensitive Classroom,”  says the zero-tolerance policies of the past two decades have not reduced school violence and misbehavior. They have aggravated student behavioral problems, especially those that are rooted in exposure to stress and trauma.” (page 1).

How do you create an environment where all children thrive?

At Growing Communities for Peace we rejected the zero-tolerance policies from the beginning. And, we have always believed that children have a huge capacity for solving their problems. Children show amazing kindness and thoughtfulness toward others when afforded the chance to puzzle through to solutions. They learn more from dialogue and guidance than from dictates.

Every child deserves a safe educational environment

Children that are well-behaved and easy to teach role model and teach children who are not yet peaceful. Teacher language always focuses on building behaviors of those who are still learning.

Here are excerpts from the Parent and Educator Guide of “The Barnyard Buddies Meet a Newcomer” along with ideas teachers shared with us for welcoming newcomers, creating a safe space, and enhancing belonging

  1. Invite two or three children to do a short role-play to learn to be kind to others. Coach the children to act out a “new student” drama where one child is new and the two others are welcoming. What are the words the children say when they are welcoming? Make their thinking visible. Write what they say on chart paper and post, so when a new person arrives, they remember to use these kind phrases. 
  2. Ask children to draw a picture of a time they felt scared and what their fear or concern was about. When we know more about people’s fears or concerns, it is much easier to respect them.
  3. Immigrants, refugees, and newcomers look for ways to become involved, bring more peace, or offer their skills and ideas to their new communities. There are all sorts of ways to do that. Think about your day and draw a picture of how you contributed in a caring way with your family, friends, or classroom. Those are some of your communities. Put these pictures in a Community Journal. Keep it in a special place where children can enter pictures of how they welcomed a newcomer, cleaned up, recycled, shared a toy with someone new, took care of their family animal, sang at the retirement home, and so on.
  4. Invite children to share what they have seen another person do that supports and grows peace, fairness, kindness, or shows care of the earth. To make sure everyone is recognized, draw names or assign children a specific person to observe. Children can draw a picture of what they witnessed. Later that day or later in the week, have a sharing session. In it, you can appreciate each person. Then, add these drawings to the Community Journal. Make this journal visible in your home or classroom. If tattling, or reporting on negative actions is the norm, it may take time for children to learn to focus on the positive contributions of others. Remind them that is their assignment. Then, watch peace grow.
  5. Sing a welcome song. Use the tune of Freire Jacque: Welcome (new student’s name) Mary, welcome Mary, to our class, to our class. So happy to have you! So happy to have you! Join our song. Join our song. Singing is a wonderful way to engage children with the community and inspires a sense of belonging.

We can’t force children to learn

Often we are trying to cram intellectual understanding into a resistant brain that can’t open to new information until it feels safe and welcome. That is to say when it “belongs” in the setting.

A story

A friend of mine suffered from ADHD, and in-class he was a failure. He was very capable at recess and the fastest runner. No one celebrated him where he was a success. Instead, they isolated and belittled him for his academics. With nothing else to offer, he felt he didn’t belong. His painful lack of belonging resulted in him dropping out of school in 8th grade. This man’s IQ is in the high 130s. What a waste. Looking at activity 3 above, I wonder how his athletic excellence might have become his contribution? Maybe he would be able to add more traditional contributions after being recognized for his current abilities?

You belong to our community of supporters! Let our work support you!

We wrote “The Barnyard Buddies Meet a Newcomer” and you can now get it directly from our website. We aren’t going to release it officially until May 1st. This is your chance to get a pre-release copy. Click the picture below. All books we ship have the author’s signature. Reviewers rave about this book, and you will too.

barnyard buddies childrens book

The Barnyard Buddies Meet a Newcomer

Who can benefit from this book about belonging?

All children in grades preschool to three need opportunities to build their social and emotional skills. Belonging is a key to life success. This book inspires children and teachers to include and welcome others. The story tells of an abandoned, lonely, and a hungry dog who isn’t welcome in the barnyard community. Finally, he finds his way into the hearts of the other animals. And, in the end, a reluctant, Farmer Jim. Reading this book sets the stage for the compassionate treatment of all others. The Parent and Educator Guide can help you build a more inclusive setting and reduce “otherizing” and related bullying as well. We must never forget that most bullies have been bullied. 71% of school shootings were done by people who had been bullied

 

You can be part of the solution! Share these children’s books!

Talking About Race

Community Voices features opinion pieces from a wide variety of authors and perspectives. (Submission Guidelines)

Talking about Race — Piecing together the quilt

talking about race is like a quilt

Talking about race and learning about race is like piecing together a quilt . . .

Kate Towle shares this guest blog which appeared first in Community Voices commentary titled “All Americans need to listen and talk constructively — about race.” (For more information about Community Voices, email Susan Albright at [email protected].) Community Voices features opinion pieces from a wide variety of authors and perspectives. (Submission Guidelines)

Learning the truth about race

Learning the truth about race within the U.S. is like piecing together a quilt as a collective narrative. Each of us holds a square as part of the full design, or truth.

Kate Towle

Kate Towle offers this blog, talking about race

Kate Towle

Kate Towle is a community educator whose model for students to develop themselves as civic and intercultural leaders won the 2011 Facing Race Idea Challenge and a 2014 PeaceMaker Award. 

Background on Kate Towle and Her Thoughts About Race

Though my white father died when I was 10, I imprinted his passion for civil rights as he worked alongside an African-American friend to sustain a community center. He also had Social Security documents translated into Spanish and visited young men in prison. When I had children of my own, I learned how intricately their educational experience was tied to that of their peers of color. We became the rare white family that talks about race. We’re long overdue for the conversation; only then will we understand events like #Ferguson and #Charleston.

We Are Creatures of Patterns

As humans, we are creatures of patterns. Views or situations to which we are exposed cause neurons in our brains to “ping” the call centers of our brain cells and forge connections to a targeted network of neuronal “neighbors.” The connections create neural pathways, or ways of thinking and acting that become stronger the more they are reinforced. So, depending on the social ideas, patterns and stories to which you are exposed, you may have a very different view of the United States.

If, for instance, you are a descendant of slaves, the stories that passed on to you are less likely to be about the independence gained through the Revolutionary War and more about the dignities stripped from you and your children, or your ancestors’ lives in slavery. Not only would your family be denied opportunities to reach prosperity, your cultural legacy would boast less to pass on, including books and photographs. Though now granted civil rights in 1964 (only 51 years ago) you are expected to make do with inferior housing, schools, and even health care.

The Counter-narrative to ‘Shining city …’

I have learned a counter-narrative to that of the U.S. as a “shining city on the hill” by staying present to the pain of my friends of color. In fact, our country was founded by white colonists who funded the war for independence with wealth created by slave labor. The surplus wealth of our country for half of its lifetime (from the first Jamestown settlement) was generated by a massive slave trade that sanctioned violently seizing land and people. Our society has had legalized slavery far longer than it has been free. A worldview of white dominance taints everything from our cultural reaction to drugs (crack vs. anti-depressants) to the correlation of education and your ZIP code. Our societal practices still bow to the wealth that white people have been able to invest, save and generate over time.

Holding the perspective of our friends of color requires that we intentionally increase our exposure to the reality and obstacles they experience. Learning the truth about race within the U.S. is a process of learning and exposure, akin to learning about another country. Each of us brings our square of exposure to the quilt. 

Embrace one key practice

If we hope to increase prosperity and maximize the quality of life for all, we must encourage each U.S. citizen to embrace one key practice: talking constructively — and with an open mind — about race.

The stakes have never been higher. Our divisions as a nation are making us increasingly vulnerable to terrorism and the demands of regimes that oppose our best interests. The world itself is experiencing the strain of overpopulation and climate change, and will require the intelligence of every young mind.

Laying the groundwork in early childhood 

The following thoughts were added to Kate’s blog by Julie Penshorn

I wanted to make sure all were aware that Teaching Tolerance has many valuable tools for your classroom community as well as your faculty.

Here is a suggestions from a recent article from The Greater Good Magazine. Discuss with staff at a staff meeting, “The hard part of talking a bout race/racism is …” and “The beneficial part of talking about race/racism is…”

A valuable resource geared for slightly older children than our target group at Smart Tools for  Life is available here:  “Teaching Tolerance Guide: Let’s Talk.” However, many of these ideas can be adapted. You’ll also see how valuable our children’s book The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace is when you look at the Teaching Tolerance group activities. Young children learn the basic tools in our work. Then, those skills can be expanded upon in older classrooms and children will have the preparedness to move forward easily. We will follow up with more ideas for young children.

Please Add Your Voice! Share Your Ideas!

If you’re interested in joining the discussion, add your voice to the Comment section below. Have you instituted a practice in your classroom that would be of benefit to others? Do you have a favorite book you’d like to tell us about? How about a teacher training circle exercise you use in your setting? We welcome your insights and encourage a dialogue.

Effective negotiating techniques can help children reduce school violence

Effective negotiating often isn’t modeled by government

Effective negotiating. I remember my teachers using our U.S. Congress to show me how it was done. However, right now effective negotiating and dialogue seem to be a thing of the past, and many wonder, “What happened to civility? What happened to basic decency and social skills? How we are ever going to get back to bipartisan debate? Or intelligent and truthful conversations in our lawmaking bodies?”

Teens model effective negotiating and learning to be civil

While we are hoping that our “leaders” can take steps toward higher ground, we can be hopeful. People like Brooke Deterline—a cofounder of the Courageous Leadership consulting firm, are working to guide kids to find the skills for civility in conversations, particularly with those who don’t share their point-of-view. These kids are likely to grow up having the skills to move beyond partisan bickering and toward problem-solving.

An inspirational article about work with kids

You’ll find an inspirational article from The Greater Good Magazine: Here’s the link directly to the article: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/these_kids_are_learning_how_to_have_bipartisan_conversations. To summarize: Deterline gets a group of teenagers together and educates them in courageous leadership! She says, “What often shuts down conversations across the political aisle, . . .  is when our brains go into what she calls ‘the red zone.’ . . .When we’re stressed, our natural compassion is cut off. . . .We don’t want to have compassion for the lion if we’re actually in a life-or-death situation. Our bodies are getting ready to fight or flee, sometimes freeze. It happens in less than a second.”

Working with Teens is Great

I have often marvelled at the wonderful work being done by people working with teens. And, yet, even with teens, we are doing remediation. We are fixing an already existing challenge.  We need to start in the womb and continue with every day of a child’s life to provide a safe and welcoming environment for kids that allows them to think clearly and without fear clouding their responses.

Every day of a child’s life has a lasting impact

The incredible impact of early experiences on young children is why we are so concerned about US policies on the US/Mexico border. Whether it’s separation of families or just extensive stays for youngsters, none of it is okay for their development!

Children from birth to age 9 are sponges. When we provide a fear-filled environment, we create trauma that often causes lifelong consequences. When we provide safety, security, love, and decency, we provide tools for them to learn the very skills that these teens are learning — at an early enough age that these skills become their new normal. If we can also offer cultural tools like books and music to support their negotiating skills we are smart! Then we are enhancing their Smart Tools for Life.

Reducing School Violence and Increasing Social Skills for Young Kids

A brief overview of why Smart Tools for Life are so important!

Posted by Smart Tools for Life on Tuesday, December 18, 2018

 

The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace has a teen mentor component to it, so teens can bring the younger kid these skills.

Our Payhip store can be posted on your website. Your friends, co-workers, business associates, and family can find these materials and you can even make 40% of their purchase price. Do good while making money. Gotta like that! 

 

 

Santa Appreciates The Barnyard Buddies Conflict Resolution Tips for Kids

 

Hello animals, you did a good job —

Writing your story of getting along at the barn.

Some read your book, I can tell that’s true.

Isn’t it wonderful what you can do?

The cover of The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace book

The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace cover

 

Your story helps children in their youngest years,

To have less fights and lots less tears.

I wish everyone just took the time,

To read all children your wonderful rhyme!

 

“The Barnyard  Buddies STOP for Peace” conflict resolution tips for kids, and the music for peace are available on Amazon or in ebook form only on Payhip.

 

How about saving money while doing the right thing?

Are you ready to share what you know are valuable conflict resolution tips for kids? I’m glad you said yes! Share your Payhip purchase with social media contacts and save 25%.

Kids learn conflict resolution get great materials really cheaply!

It’s time more people got these materials in their hands. We have made them really cheap right now — even before Christmas and other Holidays.

So get hard or soft cover books and CDs on Amazon, or go to Payhip, purchase any already low-priced item, and then click “Share on social media” and you’ll get an additional 25% off! So, it will cost less than $4.00 for the book, and the music even less. How simple is that? What are you waiting for!

“I Can See Peace” will be on Payhip soon.

Please promote this work! Save 25% by sharing on facebook when YOU buy on Payhip

 

Children’s Book Awards from Indie Human Relations Committee

 

“The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace” has music that partners with it!

Julie Penshorn singing to kids

children’s book award winner has companion music: I STOP for Peace

Peaceful conflict resolution is a critical skill in this world. This particular book is well loved by the children who have it and has excellent Amazon reviews. The music helps children internalize the skills and they get to hear other children doing the steps for conflict resolution so their own work becomes more important. Check it out here. (The music is below the books on that Amazon link.)

Many Children’s Book Awards for these books

Children’s book awards from the 2018 Indie Human Relations Award committee went to both “I Can See Peace,” and “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace.” The Director’s Choice children’s book awards celebrate books in a variety of categories. 

 

 

I Can See Peace wins award

Children’s book awards for “I Can See Peace” include Peace Book of the Year.

The Big Award was for the Peace Book of the Year!

“I Can See Peace” released on September 21, International Day of Peace, in St. Paul, MN (video shows excerpts from that event), was awarded the Indie Human Relations Peace Book of the Year Director’s Choice Award. This award was not just a children’s book award. It was awarded over all submitted books!

“The outstanding children’s book, ‘I Can See Peace’, published by Growing Communities for Peace: Smart Tools for Life was recently selected as the 2018 Human Relations Peace Book of the Year by the Human Relations Indie Book Awards. It was judged against the entries in all categories, not just children’s books. The focus of the Human Relations Indie Book Awards is to recognize outstanding indie authors who write on human relations topics,” stated Susan Peterson, the organization’s representative.

The illustrations, by California illustrator, Jeanine-Jonee Keith, depict multicultural children seeking peace, even when they are struggling with conflict, illness, family arguments, and disability.

Why these books matter

“Peace is always around us,” said Penshorn. “The challenge is that peace is not the only thing that’s around us. In this book, children and families discover that by focusing attention on nature, and the wonderful and peaceful things in their lives, they are building the muscles to see and experience more peace. This is helpful for the mental health of anyone. By starting with young children this approach to life becomes a habit. Today our world provides substantial stress for children and families. These books give families the tools to communicate about important topics supporting mental health and conflict resolution so the entire family can improve its skills.

Childhood trauma affects all children

“Childhood trauma can have lifelong negative impacts, and all children suffer at some point in their lives from a trauma, no matter how much we try to protect them. Some suffer greatly. Our nonprofit, Growing Communities for Peace, created the Smart Tools for Life project to provide memorable and engaging children’s stories. Learning about peace and nonviolence can be a normal activity for families and schools and can be fun and impactful. Since whoever tells the stories creates the culture, our organization seeks to build a culture of peace beginning with children’s stories. We include music because it helps the skills sink into the hearts and minds of children for life,” commented Rebecca Janke, M.Ed., Montessori teacher trainer, and GCFP board member.

Penshorn added, “We spend a lot of time discussing the best ways to protect our children from gun violence in their schools, or strangers on our streets. As important as these discussions are, raising peaceful, compassionate kids is the best way to protect future generations!”

Share information with your friends about these children’s book awards  

You can bring these books to more people!  Write a review, tell us how your kids, grandkids and students like these books, and share links to this blog and our facebook page. Be sure to “like”the Facebook page.

The book release event was in conjunction with Twin Cities Nonviolent and its Ten Days Free From Violence Campaign. Find out more at www.twincitiesnonviolent.org. #ICanWagePeace.

For information about these events, author visits to your classroom, or accessing these books for your classroom or home contact [email protected]. The books and music are available on Amazon

Some New Reviews from Online Book Club for “I Can See Peace”

“What an amazing book geared for children to learn how to calm situations and tells them they have the power to create peace. I liked the drawings and the multicultural aspect of this book.” Online Book reviewer

“Children are the future, and the only way to insure lasting peace is for the children to see it as the only option that makes sense. The cover and title are bright and would appeal to children of all ages. I liked that the synopsis showed that the readers are taught ‘mindful breathing and intentional seeking to learn to deal with their strong emotions and find their way back to peace.’ Peace in the world begins with peace within.” Tiny Turtle

“The pictures are calming e.g. the horses at rest. I like that the pictures show diversity of race. The questions at the end are useful for teachers or parents. I like, in particular, how the book covers peace in all its forms e.g. being sick in hospital. I also like the inclusion of a song at the end.” Laura Bach

Reviews for The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace from Online Book Club

Read a few of many by clicking these links.

https://forums.onlinebookclub.org/viewtopic.php?f=114&t=86583

https://forums.onlinebookclub.org/viewtopic.php?f=114&t=64510

https://forums.onlinebookclub.org/viewtopic.php?f=114&t=63645

 

 

Is anyone listening to me?

Listening Leads to Compassion and Empathy: Start With Young Children

 Listening is a key to understanding others. It is important for respectful interactions and even success in life. Listening helps us interpret the emotions of others and understand our own, opens doors in problem-solving and conflict resolution, and even helps us in business! As we become more skilled, we can reduce conflicts because we are more intuitive. When compassion and empathy increase, we become more perceptive partners, co-workers, friends and community members, capable of creating peace.

The Problem

The lack of empathy for the “other,” often exacerbated by power posturing and political opportunism, prevents the highly creative solutions found with “radical empathy,” from emerging. Instead, we stick with the same old stubborn behaviors chosen mostly out of habits founded in our own ignorance, hatred, and/or bigotry.

The Solution

Years ago Burt Berlowe, Rebecca Janke, and I wrote The Compassionate Rebel to name, identify and celebrate those whose anger and rebelliousness was rooted in empathy and compassion. These rebels forged highly creative solutions to challenging conditions and/or situations. As we celebrate one of our favorite compassionate rebels, Martin Luther King Junior, it’s a good time to remember that empathy and compassion, woven into the fabric of conflict resolution, have much more power — and lead to more lasting solutions — than bigotry and hatred. Based on mutual respect, deep listening and understanding reveal paths to radically transformed conflicts.

We must start with the children!

The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America’s Great Migration by Isabel Wilkerson is a powerful, empathy-building book. Recently interviewed on Krista Tippets’ OnBeing program, she reminds us that we can change the heart of the world “one heart at a time.” She asked a question that made my heart ache, “When a police officer shoots someone and that person is down, why don’t they show empathy? Why don’t they take that person’s hand?” Choked up, I continued to listen as she added, “We all have so much more in common than we have been led to believe.” 

Resist Divisiveness

Divisiveness is a construct, based on fear. It’s a contagious disease in our world today. Celebrating our common humanness, through building our skills for compassion and empathy, shows children the way to take the “other’s” hand, to connect in a way that traverses barriers and walls in our hearts and in our neighborhoods. I want tomorrow’s leaders to have those skills.

Below are some “smart tools” for children’s education, as we continue through the steps of conflict resolution in The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace children’s book.

The second step of the STOP for Peace conflict resolution process is T-Tell how you feel. A previous blog showed the first step: S-Stop and breathe

 

Is anyone listening to me? Child crying

Is anyone listening to me?

 

Let’s start with a story about kids:

A young boy approached the preschool teacher, while she helped another child get her coat on to go home, and impatiently tugged at her sleeve, “Teacher, Mrs. Sperling!”

“Kevin, remember we practiced how to interrupt me?” Mrs. Sperling handled the impatient youngster masterfully, “You touch my sleeve and then I will smile at you and you’ll know I’m going to help you as soon as I can.”

“But Mrs. Sperling, Alan took all the blocks and I can’t make anything!” persisted the child.

“Kevin, remember what we practiced. I’m looking at you. I see you. Please wait politely.”

Kevin listened! And he did!

Finally, the stubborn zipper she had been wrestling with was tamed, and the teacher turned her attention to the child.

“OK Kevin, I listened, and I hear you have a problem. What more did you want to say?”

“I told you,” was Kevin’s petulant reply.

Peacemaking Skills are Practiced With Children

“We’ve been practicing being peacemakers, remember? What is the first step when you have a problem – do you remember learning it from Mrs. McCloud in The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace?” asked Mrs. Sperling.

“Yes, STOP and breathe,” he managed. “But I did that and I still don’t have the blocks!”

“What’s the next step, Kevin? Remember we practiced with the I message cubes?”

“Tell how you feel,” came the hesitant answer. “But Alan won’t listen to my feelings.”

“How do you know that?” asked Mrs. Sperling.

“Because he’s selfish.”

“Maybe he is, or maybe he just needs to hear your feelings or your needs. I’ll watch you try using your peacemaking skills with Alan.”

Using an I-Message Builds Empathy Through Learning Deep Listening  

“Alan,” said Kevin, “I feel angry when I don’t have any blocks anymore because I was building something.”

“I know you were angry,” said Alan. “I was going to help you build the airport — with you — but you just walked away!”

“Oh, you wanted to play WITH ME? Oh, okay. Well, pass some blocks over here!”

The two started working together and that was that. Mrs. Sperling didn’t have to intervene.

The Basic Training for Young Peacemakers Can Only Take Place In the Right Circumstances

When the classroom is peaceful and there is no pressing conflict, children and teachers learn and practice the individual skills for conflict resolution. Then it’s much easier to have a rational conversation when a conflict actually occurs. Eventually, the adult isn’t needed at all. Children are perfectly capable of working out their problems independently. Especially when supported by teachers and parents. “Sure, you and Kevin can go over to the peace table to work on your problem. . .” (More on that in the next blog.)

Peacemakers-In-training Need Practice to Develop Independence

In this classroom, the children were “peacemakers-in-training.” The determined teacher had laid the foundation. She was persistent at reminding the children that they learn, and then become experts at, working out their problems on their own. This approach created a classroom community where it was safe to express feelings and empathy. In this environment, conflicts still happened, but all understood the expectations of peaceful resolution.

Conflict Resolution Demands Tenacity

Kevin and Alan’s conflict, like so many, depended on leadership — and some of the other skills that make a great teacher great — like tenacity and charisma. If the teacher solved it for the child, nothing could change. But she spent time laying the groundwork for that exchange! If Kevin walked away without persisting, he would have missed an opportunity for joining in play with Alan. Further, nothing would be learned or resolved. In this case, listening resulted in a close relationship, which is an ideal result.

How We Listen, Show Respect, and Demonstrate Empathy, Determines A Lot About Our Culture

We all want classrooms and homes with less tattling, whining, and bullying. But we also want more. We want to feel we are a vital part of something bigger than ourselves and know that we belong. There is a great feeling of safety provided in a community focused on peace. It provides a structure where our uniqueness and contributions can be fully heard and appreciated.

“Whether children build a world of peace or a world of hatred is as much a result of the choices we as adults make as of the choices they make. Children will build a world using the tools and materials we provide them with, so let us choose to share with them the ways of peace.” Dr. Wangari Maath.

Develop the Classroom Community Intentionally

Developing classroom community

Developing classroom community

There is too much at stake not to take the time necessary to develop community in our families and classrooms. Where peaceful conflict resolution is the norm, power-play behavior that is rooted in disrespect and manipulation is not.

The Listener Gets Ahead!

Today, the “peace literate” person with the most highly developed social skills, especially skills for empathetic listening (which leads to intuitive understanding), is the one who is going to be successful at leading, influencing, serving and getting along with others. That person recognizes that NOW is the time to seek solutions that are good for me, good for others and good for the planet. There is no other way for us to thrive; there is no other way to teach our children!

The Exhausted Parent Story

I watched a conflict between two young girls riding behind an exhausted parent driving down a snowy road.  But that parent, with dance practice, dinner-making, her phone, job, computer, and TV to provide disruptions hadn’t found time to spend on the actual coaching needed for this conflict to resolve as simply as it did in the classroom example above.

But What’s a Parent to Do?

Her solution was, “Behave children or I’ll call your father!” Such an admonition is likely to fall on deaf ears! If one child is clearly interested in grabbing attention or disruption for the sake of some self-interest, adult “guidance” is unappreciated by that child at that time.

How Can We Address These Complicated Situations?

Often teachers believe their job is insurmountable without parental assistance. They may feel expected to do all the work of social and emotional learning in school, yet they have so many other requirements. Meanwhile, parents tear out their hair and don’t feel qualified.

Ask Grandma for Child-Rearing help?

Grandma may not have suggestions for you! Though John Rosemond asserts that she’s the one with the answers in his thought-provoking book, he didn’t talk to my grandma! She thought that the world had changed so much that her ways were no longer valid. In fact, I, along with many other parents, was quite overwhelmed as a young mother. And with the day to day rushing around of trying to make a living and being there for my child, I didn’t have much left at bedtime to give the topic enough study! Thankfully, I did learn some important skills from my son’s preschool teacher, Rebecca Janke, M.Ed.   

Schools and Preschools Can Help Lead Parents to Succeed

If both preschools and early elementary schools provide this important learning for the children, parents are often delighted! They happily participate at home by continuing the learning with short take-home activities and suggestions. When everyone is on the same page, success is much more likely. For my Master’s Degree in Business Communications, I did a research study on parent’s opinions of the value of a peace education curriculum in their child’s preschool. Interestingly, most were even willing to pay more to have it.

How about a Kids’ Music and Drama show so parents have an opportunity to listen and learn?

Children singing and demonstrating peace

Children can sing, dance, demonstrate peacemaking skills

We highly encourage providing children opportunities to show off their learning with a dramatization. With the available music, a music and drama show is a wonderful way to educate the entire community as the children, their parents and others attend the show.

 

 

The second step in the STOP for Peace conflict resolution process is T – Tell how you feel

This step can only be attempted after all parties have remembered to do step S – STOP and breathe, and have calmed down. “Tell how you feel” is where we get down to the nitty-gritty of the problem!

Here are specific smart tools for creating a culture of peace through listening and expressing feelings

This section is included With Purchase of the I-Message cubes.

I-message cubes for conflict resolution

I-message cubes for conflict resolution

The I-Message Cubes are so good for learning to listen and communicate through an I-message! By engaging the children in games, the learning is easy. However, even without the cubes, many of the following activities are possible. If you don’t have cubes, start by cutting out magazine faces of people or children showing different emotions. Label them. Here’s information about the cubes and how to use them. They work well with classroom communities, but families can have a lot of fun with the cubes too. You’ll notice the complexity of the exercises increases as you go through the games and activities. Younger children may not be able to learn all the more advanced sentences and skills.

I-Message Cubes: There are four cubes in a set, available here. The feelings depicted on the orange cubes are generally recognized as positive and the blue cubes have feelings that are generally recognized as negative. Then, there is an orange cube with scenarios depicted that are generally considered pleasant and a blue cube with unpleasant times. The exercises below start with just the feelings faces cube in orange and blue. The scenarios come later.

  1. Start with the orange faces cube and show one face at a time, naming the feelings on all six sides. The feelings depicted are happy, joyful, excited, loving, surprised and peaceful. Go back to the first face and ask the children to show that feeling with their bodies. Celebrate their attempts. Repeat until all six sides have been explored.
  2. Do it now with the blue faces cubes. Those feelings are hurt, scared, angry, frustrated, sad and lonely.
  3. Do the same steps but have child/ren pretend to be a certain animal with a particular feeling.
  4. Again, do the same steps but now child/ren pretend to be another member of their family.
  5. Another day children draw a picture of a time they felt “excited.” They draw a picture for the peace journal or a feelings book. Another day they draw a time they were “sad” and so on until all the feelings of the cubes have been explored.
  6. Children can cut out pictures of people showing different feeling and make a feelings “chapter book” with a few pages for each feeling.

Then demonstrate how to use the cubes in the scenarios

This series of activities is designed to focus on positive experiences through role play while developing listening skills and cooperation and building community. It also allows the adult to know the children better (because their interpretations of the art will be directly related to their personal experiences). Children learn to talk about themselves in positive ways and celebrate what is going well.

Adaptations for Those who Don’t have Cubes

Bring in some pictures of scenes for this activity. Scenes like children planting a tree, having a book read to them, going to Grandma’s house, someone bringing another child a gift, playing ball or another game together, and so on. For the not-so-great times, you can find illustrations or pictures of conflicts, pollution, sickness, someone wrecking another child’s work, parent ignoring a child, and so on. Here are two of the pictures from the cubes. You have permission to print them out to use.

Boys fighting over toys need conflict resolution skills

Boys in conflict over toys can cause injury.

Child kicking another child's work over

Conflict happens! Skills are needed.

  1. Hold up the orange cube or your picture showing one scenario. Tell a little story about the scenario by starting with, “This picture reminds me of the time. . .” Pass it to a few children and ask, “What do you think is happening?”
  2. Continue in this manner until all pictures have been explored.
  3. Roll the cube or choose a scenario. Ask the number of children needed, to act out that scenario in the middle of the circle.
  4. Ask the other children what feeling/s they see being acted out.
  5. Take turns rolling the cube and doing role plays for the various depicted scenarios.

Empathy building is key

Use the blue scenario cube. This game helps children learn to respond with empathy to someone’s problem and find alternative points-of-view when an uncomfortable situation occurs.

  1. Hold up the blue scenario cube showing one uncomfortable scene. Have children tell what they think is happening and how they would feel if that happened to them. Rather than acting out the scenario the children can brainstorm some caring activities that could be done instead. Complete until all sides have been explored.
  2. Read a story and ask if various characters are peacemakers. If not, children are invited to become “peace authors” and recreate the story by drawing pictures and telling a new story to the adult. The adult can write down the children’s drawn alternative. If children are writing they can get more elaborate. Remember, we are collecting children’s stories of ways they were peacemakers here on this website. This might be an opportunity for your child/ren to share their story.

Learning the skills for I-Messages 

This game provides visual cues to develop children’s ability to say an I-message when feeling uncomfortable, encourages alternatives to violence, and teaches communicating without attacking or blaming. It also teaches that uncomfortable feelings are okay to talk about and gives children an opportunity to express uncomfortable feelings in a safe place. After children master these skills, celebrate that they now know how to use words instead of fists when uncomfortable feelings arise.

  1. Start by saying the words, “I feel,” and then rolling the blue faces cube, and naming the feeling that comes up on the top of the cube. So, “I feel lonely.” Then roll the other like-colored cube and describe the scene you see: “When someone is reading the paper and won’t pay attention to me.” Notice the words do not include the blaming use of “you” nor do they name anyone. So, instead of “I feel lonely when Dad is reading the paper and won’t put me on his lap,” encourage something more like the previous sentence. By using both the orange and the blue cubes children get the idea that their feelings are wide-ranging and become much more competent at expressing them.
  2. The children take turns rolling the cubes and practicing their I-messages.
  3. When they have mastered the concept in the abstract, go on to specific I-messages for times of trouble when there is no conflict. For example, have the children practice an experimental problem. “Children, if someone has all the crayons and you can’t have any, how do you feel?” Record their I-messages. Then, “If you are the one with all the crayons, how do you feel?” Most often when children won’t share there is some underlying reason. See if you can gain a deeper understanding by listening during this exercise. Then, when the problem comes up you have history to refer to: “Remember when we talked about sharing and other children said they felt sad when someone wouldn’t share? I am sure you don’t want Kyle to feel sad. What feeling keeps you from sharing today, Jessica?” Persist a bit through the “I don’t know.” Use the cubes to prompt her. “Do you feel like this person? Or this?” and so on.
  4. If a child can’t go to I-messages it’s often because they are still too emotionally charged. They may need more time to cool off. Without a tone of punishment, offer a way for the child to get that need met. “Do you need more time to cool off and breathe?” “I know you want to work this out and be a peacemaker. When do you think you’ll be ready to say how you feel?” (But don’t forget to get back to it because conflict avoidance is not a good habit.)
  5. Eventually, many children can demonstrate the deep listening skill of repeating what the speaker has said, “Oh, you feel lonely when no one plays with you?’ This is a wonderful addition to any communications.
  6. Children draw their own scenarios to make new cubes or cover the blue and orange ones in this set!

Time to Celebrate!

Now that the children have the skills for two important pieces of the conflict resolution process, celebrate their learning! Ask them how they want to celebrate.

Another Approach: The “I-Need” Message

In some situations, I-messages are not the right tool. When there is a power imbalance or a big age difference, or when people really don’t care how you feel, another skill is needed. The “I-Need” statement is a separate skill set for children to learn when they are not in a compassionate community. Here’s a great article on that from Kristin Stuart Valdes http://www.morningsidecenter.org/blog/i-need-message. However, in many settings, it is I-messages that can be used.

If you liked this article, please support our work by contributing to our I STOP for Peace campaign at this link. Please like, and please share!

Our upcoming book, I Can See Peace takes empathy and compassion to an even deeper level as it explores ways for children to intentionally and mindfully seek peace. This article from Time.com will give you a glimpse into the importance of that new book. Watch for it soon!

I Can See Peace book cover

I Can See Peace book cover

Every Child has unique, diverse learning styles

Diverse learning styles offer challenges and opportunities, in a classroom or home!

My friend Sam, was an ADHD student going through elementary school in the 60s. He had a miserable experience. The structure of a sit-down classroom was impossible for him, and soon he felt isolated and alone. He was sure that no one cared about him, that he belonged alone in the hall, and that school was a place to be hurt, embarrassed, and maligned. And he didn’t learn a thing. By 8th grade he was so lost and behind that there was no catching up. 

Dropping out early impacted Sam’s entire life. He couldn’t hold a job and had terribly low confidence. His defensiveness resulted in explosive, even violent outbursts. Sam’s life was forever impacted by the adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) he encountered. After he succumbed to the lure of drugs, he couldn’t hold a job, and ultimately ended up incarcerated for larceny. Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology and How You Can Heal by Donna Jackson Nakazawa, provides extensive additional reading on this topic. We highly recommend it!

There are many classrooms and families where Sam would not thrive. If children’s learning styles are not the same as the teacher’s or the parents’ it can be difficult for all. And since Sam has some adverse early childhood experiences such as I describe here (this topic, including what constitutes an adverse childhood experience, will be addressed more thoroughly in subsequent blogs), it becomes even more challenging for him.

Honoring diverse approaches to learning is a critical ability of a parent and/or a teacher

Yes, ACE training is now being provided more often for educators. Instead of harsh discipline, we are learning we must draw in closer to our children and follow their lead. We need to demonstrate love and care for the unique person each child is. By honoring each child’s unique needs and diverse learning styles we can make those critical connections that provide a different outcome from what happened in Sam’s story. If Sam’s teachers had known his family story of neglect, and how vulnerable he was in 3rd grade, after numerous moves from town to town, and the murder of his father, how might Sam’s life and the lives of those he touched, have been changed?

Julie Penshorn, MBC (left) and Rebecca Janke, M.Ed.

Two parents and teachers working to be the best we can be.

This is where Smart Tools for Life comes in. We provide smart tools for classrooms and homes for today’s children!

Hi, my name is Julie Penshorn. I am the author of the Smart Tools for Life children’s books on this site, with content editor and co-author, Rebecca Janke, who blogs at Children’s Peace Education Company (coming soon!). We’ve been working together over the years since 1992 with the nonprofit organization, Growing Communities for Peace.

Developing as a Teacher or Parent Educator

Though I didn’t have any ACEs growing up, I was, and still am an active learner. I evolved into an intense, driven riding teacher, following in the footsteps of my own teachers. It took some time for me to evolve my teaching toward facilitating. Only after I gained some age and perspective did I figure out that the best way for learning to occur for many of my students was to help them feel, learn, and become aware of an experience, on a deep level. I couldn’t “teach” it or “explain” it. The student had to find it. So, it was the horse that did the teaching, and I found my role as a facilitator and a guide. The capability of the horse was important, since heavy, dull, or lame horses gave bad lessons.

Learning to be an effective facilitator drove me to become a children’s book author. I thought maybe here was an opportunity to engage with the Sams of the world in a different way.

Bumper sticker: Life is Short: Ride a Good Horse! or Life is Short, Read a Good Book!

With limited time for children’s stories in classrooms and in homes, adults need good tools. I felt we needed smart tools for children’s lives, specifically stories and music that could educate them that being a loving, caring, participating, peacemaking person, capable of dialogue when in conflict and working out problems, was “normal.” They needed to become “peace literate.”

Valuing diversity all over the world

Children in a classroom are gathered around a globe to show they value all our Earth’s people and value diversity.

 

I saw that children were inherently filled with compassion for others and the planet, and that when they were in close connection with their families and teachers they learned better. With the help of Rebecca Janke, I discovered that I could create a unique learning experience for children by using the illustrations and words to bring a “feel” to the children, much like the way I learned to ride.

Stories and music provide the learning in a memorable way, and we can empathize with the animals or other characters in the story, and share their experiences vicariously. When children read our stories, or are read to, they can feel the characters’ pain and angst, their satisfaction, and their successes. They can see that the story has a given outcome because of the choices that were made along the way. The teacher or parent only must facilitate, which is easily done by reading the children’s book!

Children as the leaders in co-creating a culture of peace.

All our current and upcoming children’s books provide some suggestions for extending the learning in the back of the book. They meet state standard curriculum needs, but each book will also stand alone. So, just read them. Again. And again. Read them until the children recite passages from memory. Then it’s deep in their hearts. Then they “feel” it and you know their lives will be changed as they become the leaders in co-creating a culture of peace.

We need each child. No one is a “throw-away.” We need each flower, each butterfly, each bee, each tree, each ocean. Caring for the most maligned, the lonely, the hurt, the sick and the poor, the displaced, and the miserable, is the only way to bring peace to the planet. The way we raise our children has huge consequences — not only for the children — but also for our society! The children need us, as adults, to facilitate their journey into adulthood.

Smart Tools for Life makes teaching peacemaking skills easy for you, even if you’ve not been focusing on this in the past. We need these skills for our children’s future! Worried that you’re not a Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Dorothy Day, or Mother Theresa? Don’t worry! We make the road by walking. Let’s journey together!

Read news about our books and music. Please investigate the gofundme campaign and support this work! Share with others!

 

A key to Life Success? Starting Early with Peacemaking and Conflict Resolution: New Children’s book for ages 3 to 9 shows how

Without skills for peaceful conflict resolution and problem solving, children are often labeled “bad,” “acting out,” and “disruptive.” But what are they to do when they have strong emotions and no social skills for working out their problems? And what are adults to do to cope with violent behavior at home or at school/preschool?

 

Boys fighting over toys need conflict resolution skills

Boys in conflict over toys can cause injury.

Conflict over limited resources can be an opportunity!

Is this a picture of life at your house or in your classroom? There will always be limited resources in our worlds, whether it’s a classroom or a nation. It’s simply not possible to provide everything every child wants all the time. And, this gives us opportunities for learning as we guide children. But children need tools and skills for managing their anger and staying in community when faced with limited resources and other situations that prompt their frustration, anger, or other emotions. Without these tools they may feel compelled to lash out and potentially hurt themselves and/or others.

As we watch how people are sharing resources as they recover from hurricanes Harvey and Irma, we can be inspired to believe that people can make smart decisions that are good for all, their relationships with each other, and the planet.

Skills for peaceful conflict resolution provide key social and emotional skills!

Over the years, recognition of the importance of social emotional learning (SEL) has swelled. Now, we have governors of several states talking about their goals for educating preschoolers in SEL, based on research showing its importance for adult lives. Hanna Melnick, Channa M. Cook-Harvey, and Linda Darling-Hammond recently wrote in “Encouraging Social and Emotional Learning in the Context of New Accountability” (2017 — provides numerous links and references for further reading):

The Every Student Succeeds Act (ESSA) . . . provides an important opportunity for states to broaden the definition of student success to include measures of students’ social-emotional, as well as academic, development. Social and emotional learning (SEL) is a broad and multifaceted concept, which the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL) defines as “the process through which children and adults acquire and effectively apply the knowledge, attitudes, and skills necessary to understand and manage emotions, set and achieve positive goals, feel and show empathy for others, establish and maintain positive relationships, and make responsible decisions.” Well-implemented programs designed to foster SEL are associated with positive outcomes, ranging from better test scores and higher graduation rates to improved social behavior. 

Of course, children will continue to be significantly impacted throughout their lives by many challenges! But the tools we provide in our children’s books and children’s music are useful for navigating the world safely, with self confidence and joy. We call our tools, “Smart Tools for Life” because it is smart to learn them! Further, they are memorable and engaging, and sink deeply into children’s hearts and minds — often for life. 

“I STOP for Peace” music and “The Barnyard Buddies Stop for Peace”

Our first children’s book is called, “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace.” In it, the characters experience a conflict over resources, and work it out peacefully. They don’t stop there, however, they regain their trust in each other, renew their relationships, and celebrate their success.

Songs for Peace children's music

Share social and other peacemaking skills with children and build a culture of peace!

The book is enhanced by two music CDs: “Songs for Peace,” by Julie Penshorn with Rebecca Janke, and one that specifically supports the learning in the book: “I STOP for Peace,” also by Penshorn with Janke. The children on the music CD refer to the book and connect the dots for you! You can purchase all at www.Amazon.com. Here’s the link for I Stop for Peace music on Amazon, or get it at Smart Tools for Life.

Conflict resolution songs for ages 3 to 9

Children’s music, conflict resolution songs for ages 3 to 9. I STOP for Peace, by Julie Penshorn

Tools in your “smart” toolbox!

When you have a tool like The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace, in your parenting and teacher toolbox, you can connect it to any ongoing program you have, or it can be a freestanding program. It’s especially appropriate to the needs of young children ages 3 to 9.

Children develop relationships with the characters that can be used to enhance their learning in a variety of ways. For example, when children are in conflict you can ask: “Now how would Mrs. McCloud (the owl, and the key peacemaker in the story) solve that?” The end result in the story is better relationships, more community, and no blame, shame, or harsh punishments. Why shouldn’t all our conflicts end that way?

A Story

A friend brought a four-year-old to the book reading (partially shown on the video above). After the book reading, she, her boyfriend, and the child went to the zoo. It was a rainy day like in the book. My friend told me later that when they walked by the zebras the child said, “Look at that zebra! He’s just like King! He’s not sharing the space under the leanto!” Already, she was connecting the characters in the book to her daily life and to others in it.

Teacher and parent guide in the book

An added benefit of the book, “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace,” is that it contains a teacher and parent guide, plus the music for the “I STOP for Peace” song. You don’t have to struggle to integrate this book with your curriculum. It effortlessly flows into it. In fact, it can BE your conflict resolution curriculum! With the music to enhance memorability, children will soon be conflict resolution experts!

There are as many ways to be peacemakers as there are people. The joy of finding a resolution to conflict that enhances our lives rather than detracts from it, is sublime! So, we learn the skills, we practice, and it becomes easier and more natural every time.

Next time we’ll talk about the most important step in that conflict resolution process: STOP and breathe.
See you next time!