Angry? How Conflict Transformation Can Help the Whole Family

 

Track from “I STOP for Peace”. Music and short children’s dialogues make learning fun and easy.

 

 

Conflict transformation in our families can be life-changing.

What do you do when you have a problem with a spouse or child? Most of us can’t claim great skills for working it out. Most of us never learned how. Kids are learning, however. Often it’s not until fourth grade, but most children get some education in conflict resolution at school. In this article, I’ll catch you up to what they are learning and give you four simple steps to use that will transform the conflicts in your home. These steps are appropriate for you, and even for your three-year-old.

In this ever-more complicated world, inter-personal conflicts and inter-familial conflicts may be what causes us the most anguish. Transforming our conflicts is a key to our happiness and is critical for our children’s futures. 

yelling father and sad son

What’s the difference between conflict resolution and conflict transformation?

Conflict transformation benefits from sharing deeply. For partners, it is important to talk about the underlying feelings of fear, hurt, sadness, loneliness, worry, or frustration, rather than trying to be right. It’s far more beneficial to demonstrate to spouse and onlooking kids that you care about each other than it is to show them you can win an argument.

The transformation of children’s conflicts requires the same things, with one more important component. A valid solution is not a top-down solution. Often conflict resolution is. For example, a resolution imposed by a more powerful country or individual (such as a teacher or parent) is now “resolved” but it’s not “transformed”. That may be why it usually reappears! Top-down solutions lack buy-in and often result in imperfect resolutions. Conflict transformation implies that people work to a solution that can actually help them move beyond the current anger and hostility to a much greater relationship having come to a deeper understanding. They are ready and able to move beyond where they started.

Tough times can be opportunities to partner with family.

Using our tough times as opportunities, we can find partners in family members. Of course, you don’t want to share every problem with young children. It may cause anxiety. However, they appreciate knowing, as an example, that you are sad or angry because you can’t go to work, and you love your job. They like to understand that whatever you are bothered by is not their fault. That is reassuring. So, some sharing invites more collaboration from members of your family. Even three-year-olds often have wonderful help to offer! “Dad, don’t worry! I can keep you company if you’re lonesome for your work friends.” Or, “Mom, I want to be your work partner today. Let’s plant the garden.” 

Missing interaction with peers can cause slower social skill development

Since kids who have missed interacting with their peers lately are missing valuable social and emotional learning, you get to home-school it. To build better relationships and skills for dealing with others in school, home, or the workplace, you can help them learn the valuable skills to transform conflicts from sentences of isolation to opportunities for connection. It takes practice. And, like baseball or tennis, the more kids practice, the better they will be as adults, and the more likely they will be to have work and social success.  The skills they learn help prepare them for more happiness and deeper relationships.

 

Pciture of boy asking others to stay at the new 6' social distance.

As children are isolated from others, including their grandparents, social skills can suffer.

You can reduce the impact of Covid-19 isolation on your kids.

To ward off the impact of Covid-19 on our kids, we need to innoculate them against the PTSD and trauma experts expect them to suffer. (This article by Sonali Kohli offers a comprehensive look at the mental health consequences of Covid-19 for California’s children–a microcosm of those in the entire country.) You have the best medicine! Guide them with conflict transformation skills, skills for seeing peace, and help them find purpose in serving others. For this blog, the focus is on skills for conflict transformation. It is a key ingredient in social skill education. According to Nadine Burke Harris, who cites a longitudinal study in her TED talk, health, happiness, and even ability to earn a living are at stake.

Learning versus teaching. . . 

Kids are not interested in being “taught”, but they are fully ready to “learn.” What hampers buy-in for kids is being told to do something. They want to discover it! They want to know, “What’s in it for me?” It’s definitely helpful if they see the benefit of learning to work out problems. Thus, experiencing you and your spouse or friend working out problems and celebrating your success is a great way for kids to learn. However, when they are working it out with someone, not you, and you interfere too much it will be YOUR solution and they won’t learn nearly as well.

The capable parent sometimes helps too much.

Well-meaning, capable parents (who remind me of me, so this hits me first-hand), sometimes don’t let kids do the struggling, the seeking, the challenging work of finding peace themselves. Instead, they are coaching and solving all the time. It’s hard! Try to see not helping as part of the educational journey for all. As your child develops independence with the skills, you will be impressed!

Use a story to do the teaching.

The cover of The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace book

The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace children’s book illustrates and inspires conflict transformation as it teaches through story.

There is research about the benefits of storytelling as a tool for teaching. Do a Google search and you’ll see more than enough to convince you! Here is a lovely article on the topic.  Using stories, parents don’t even have to “teach.” by taking yourself out of the equation, you reduce the likelihood of a power struggle preventing learning (“Mom wants me to do this, so I will say ‘No.'”).

Start with a good story about stopping!

Because I felt so strongly about the need for a story to empower young children to solve their problems, I wrote the children’s book, “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace.” If you like, read the reviews to see how other parents and teachers have been using this book, and why. Since I am a singer and songwriter, I added a musical component. The “I STOP for Peace” CD or electronic music offers a real-life story with young kids singing and telling it.

The “STOP for Peace” process offers conflict transformation for all ages.

Boys fighting over toys need conflict resolution skills

Conflicts over scarce resources can be transformed at the peace table.

Establish your own special place for working out problems–maybe a peace table!

“Since children are concrete learners, they appreciate having a specific place designated for problem-solving or conflict resolution. The peace table is in that space, which becomes a respected and appreciated area representing empowerment, not punishment.” (Janke, Penshorn, 1995, page 40. From our 1995 book, “Peacemaker’s A, B, Cs for Young Children: A Guide for Teaching Conflict Resolution With a Peace Table”  by Rebecca Janke, M.Ed. and Julie Penshorn which is out-of-print, but a few copies are available by emailing [email protected].).

 

 

Children at a peace table

After we stop and breathe we can sit at a peace table and work it out.

Decorate your peace table

It’s helpful to place the peace table in a space where the steps for conflict resolution can also be posted. You can use the coloring page on the home page of this site or order a full-color version in our store. Children often enjoy decorating their peace table.  There are more ideas on Pinterest. Of course, if you’re not at home you can just use whatever is handy (such as a rock, a talking piece, an upturned bucket) as a peace table. You are just looking for an energetic focal point.

A peace table in your home reduces whining, tattling, and bullying, and increases kids’ power to succeed in life. It gives them the confidence to try even more peacemaking, and wage peace in more ways.

Parents and teachers can dampen children’s enthusiasm.

Compare these requests: 1). “Sam, you and Jamal go to the peace table and work this out.” or 2). “Sam, you and Jamal will have time to go to the peace table after lunch. Do you think you will be cooled off by then?” The second feels quite different but uses almost the same words. Teaching is a bit like filling a helium balloon. You fill it with love, fill it with stories, fill it with role modeling, and then, ultimately, you can just let it go and it will fly!

Adults and children can both use the peace table but don’t interfere with the children unless the conflict involves you.

Steps for the STOP for Peace process

Step 1: Stop and breathe.

Start by stopping to breathe and calm down. Here’s a song to help guide young children. The CD or E-music is available here.

It may take some time to cool off. It’s going to take a least 20 minutes for the chemicals in the brain to settle down, so don’t rush the process. Tell your conflict partner you need time to cool off and then demonstrate deep breathing for him or her. Especially if it’s a child. Your demonstration does a great deal to aid the learning process.

 

 

 

Conflict transformation can begin by getting back to personal peace with breathing.

Conflict transformation can begin by getting back to personal peace with breathing.

Step 2: Tell how you feel.

Use an I-message when you are ready to work it out.  See this blog for an extensive look at this step and how it relates to developing empathy in kids. This step is the essence of the work. Once you care enough to learn how each other feels your compassion is inspired and you have done most of the hard work.

Guard against making the other person responsible for your feelings. You have your feelings. They are yours. no one “made” you have that feeling. That’s why the format of the I-message tries to avoid using the word “you”. It’s not, “You make me sad because you are ignoring me.” It works much better to use something like, “I feel sad when I am left alone to work on my schoolwork alone for too long.” Active listening includes repeating what your conflict partner has said, so you are sure you fully understand and they are honored by your deep listening and respect of their feelings. 

Step 3: Open your mind.

This is the brainstorming phase. If your children don’t write yet, they can still be independent at the peace table process. They can draw a picture of their ideas or ask you for help writing down their ideas. When brainstorming, don’t evaluate. Don’t censor. Just write down every idea, even if it seems to be a crazy thing. Then, in the next step, you will edit, combine, or eliminate ideas that don’t fit the criteria.

Step 4: Plan a deal.

Any good solution has to be good for me, good for you, and good for the community (from “Peacemaker’s A, B, Cs for Young Children: A Guide for Teaching Conflict Resolution with a Peace Table”). Applying this standard helps make sure the solution is workable and sustainable. Be sure to celebrate your success in making a plan! After reaching a resolution, it’s great to celebrate overtly, like by having a “problem-solving-pizza-party,” or a “solution-special-snowshoe-trip,” or a “transformation-time-TV-show”. If your solution doesn’t work out, go back to step O, Open your mind. Brainstorm some more ideas, choose one, and try again!

Peace education is a comprehensive approach to children’s mental health.

It gives children something to be “for” rather than spending all their energies focusing on all the challenges they face. It fits under the umbrella of SEL (social and emotional learning) beautifully but goes beyond. Instead of just seeking skills for getting along, it positions kids to build a purposeful future. Seeking personal and interpersonal peace, doing kind and compassionate acts, being generous, and taking creative, positive actions all contribute to this way of life. Show your enthusiasm for children’s efforts to be peacemakers!

kids together

Five Ways to Help Kids Feel They Belong

New kids are not new, but their numbers are much higher

Children of today face a very fluid classroom community. They don’t know if their best friend will be there tomorrow. I recently visited a rural 2nd grade classroom. It was amazing to hear that one child had attended five different schools, three children have family members in jail, while several suffer from continual stress over violence at home.  It’s not only new kids, immigrants, and refugees that can feel left out and isolated. The lack of belonging in a classroom community is a persistent problem for many children.

Children who feel they belong can overcome more obstacles.

Developing classroom community where all belong

Developing classroom community

Teachers and caregivers are frequently called upon to provide the love and warmth missing at home.  Often parents are struggling with issues around poverty, drug addiction, PTSD, and more. A sense of belonging to the classroom community can ameliorate some of the damage caused by a struggling family system and uprooting.

The Body Keeps the Score

A fascinating book providing perspective on the topic of belonging is “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. This book details the impacts of trauma and PTSD on the brain. It’s readable and provides information about the underlying neuroscience. It shows how those with trauma and PTSD issues have different brain waves and different breath and heart syncing. It’s fascinating because he’s personally experienced in all the therapies and treatments he mentions. Thus, he has a deep understanding and a unique perspective. 

Don’t give up on wounded children. Provide a safe environment!

Van der  Kolk clearly says“People can learn to control and change their behavior, but only if they feel safe enough to experiment with new solutions. . . Where traumatized children are concerned, the last things we should be cutting from the school schedule are. . . chorus, physical education, recess, and anything else that involves movement, play, and other forms of joyful engagement.” (page 351).

Patricia Jennings, author of “The Trauma-Sensitive Classroom,”  says the zero-tolerance policies of the past two decades have not reduced school violence and misbehavior. They have aggravated student behavioral problems, especially those that are rooted in exposure to stress and trauma.” (page 1).

How do you create an environment where all children thrive?

At Growing Communities for Peace we rejected the zero-tolerance policies from the beginning. And, we have always believed that children have a huge capacity for solving their problems. Children show amazing kindness and thoughtfulness toward others when afforded the chance to puzzle through to solutions. They learn more from dialogue and guidance than from dictates.

Every child deserves a safe educational environment

Children that are well-behaved and easy to teach role model and teach children who are not yet peaceful. Teacher language always focuses on building behaviors of those who are still learning.

Here are excerpts from the Parent and Educator Guide of “The Barnyard Buddies Meet a Newcomer” along with ideas teachers shared with us for welcoming newcomers, creating a safe space, and enhancing belonging

  1. Invite two or three children to do a short role-play to learn to be kind to others. Coach the children to act out a “new student” drama where one child is new and the two others are welcoming. What are the words the children say when they are welcoming? Make their thinking visible. Write what they say on chart paper and post, so when a new person arrives, they remember to use these kind phrases. 
  2. Ask children to draw a picture of a time they felt scared and what their fear or concern was about. When we know more about people’s fears or concerns, it is much easier to respect them.
  3. Immigrants, refugees, and newcomers look for ways to become involved, bring more peace, or offer their skills and ideas to their new communities. There are all sorts of ways to do that. Think about your day and draw a picture of how you contributed in a caring way with your family, friends, or classroom. Those are some of your communities. Put these pictures in a Community Journal. Keep it in a special place where children can enter pictures of how they welcomed a newcomer, cleaned up, recycled, shared a toy with someone new, took care of their family animal, sang at the retirement home, and so on.
  4. Invite children to share what they have seen another person do that supports and grows peace, fairness, kindness, or shows care of the earth. To make sure everyone is recognized, draw names or assign children a specific person to observe. Children can draw a picture of what they witnessed. Later that day or later in the week, have a sharing session. In it, you can appreciate each person. Then, add these drawings to the Community Journal. Make this journal visible in your home or classroom. If tattling, or reporting on negative actions is the norm, it may take time for children to learn to focus on the positive contributions of others. Remind them that is their assignment. Then, watch peace grow.
  5. Sing a welcome song. Use the tune of Freire Jacque: Welcome (new student’s name) Mary, welcome Mary, to our class, to our class. So happy to have you! So happy to have you! Join our song. Join our song. Singing is a wonderful way to engage children with the community and inspires a sense of belonging.

We can’t force children to learn

Often we are trying to cram intellectual understanding into a resistant brain that can’t open to new information until it feels safe and welcome. That is to say when it “belongs” in the setting.

A story

A friend of mine suffered from ADHD, and in-class he was a failure. He was very capable at recess and the fastest runner. No one celebrated him where he was a success. Instead, they isolated and belittled him for his academics. With nothing else to offer, he felt he didn’t belong. His painful lack of belonging resulted in him dropping out of school in 8th grade. This man’s IQ is in the high 130s. What a waste. Looking at activity 3 above, I wonder how his athletic excellence might have become his contribution? Maybe he would be able to add more traditional contributions after being recognized for his current abilities?

You belong to our community of supporters! Let our work support you!

We wrote “The Barnyard Buddies Meet a Newcomer” and you can now get it directly from our website. We aren’t going to release it officially until May 1st. This is your chance to get a pre-release copy. Click the picture below. All books we ship have the author’s signature. Reviewers rave about this book, and you will too.

barnyard buddies childrens book

The Barnyard Buddies Meet a Newcomer

Who can benefit from this book about belonging?

All children in grades preschool to three need opportunities to build their social and emotional skills. Belonging is a key to life success. This book inspires children and teachers to include and welcome others. The story tells of an abandoned, lonely, and a hungry dog who isn’t welcome in the barnyard community. Finally, he finds his way into the hearts of the other animals. And, in the end, a reluctant, Farmer Jim. Reading this book sets the stage for the compassionate treatment of all others. The Parent and Educator Guide can help you build a more inclusive setting and reduce “otherizing” and related bullying as well. We must never forget that most bullies have been bullied. 71% of school shootings were done by people who had been bullied

 

You can be part of the solution! Share these children’s books!

Talking About Race

Community Voices features opinion pieces from a wide variety of authors and perspectives. (Submission Guidelines)

Talking about Race — Piecing together the quilt

talking about race is like a quilt

Talking about race and learning about race is like piecing together a quilt . . .

Kate Towle shares this guest blog which appeared first in Community Voices commentary titled “All Americans need to listen and talk constructively — about race.” (For more information about Community Voices, email Susan Albright at [email protected].) Community Voices features opinion pieces from a wide variety of authors and perspectives. (Submission Guidelines)

Learning the truth about race

Learning the truth about race within the U.S. is like piecing together a quilt as a collective narrative. Each of us holds a square as part of the full design, or truth.

Kate Towle

Kate Towle offers this blog, talking about race

Kate Towle

Kate Towle is a community educator whose model for students to develop themselves as civic and intercultural leaders won the 2011 Facing Race Idea Challenge and a 2014 PeaceMaker Award. 

Background on Kate Towle and Her Thoughts About Race

Though my white father died when I was 10, I imprinted his passion for civil rights as he worked alongside an African-American friend to sustain a community center. He also had Social Security documents translated into Spanish and visited young men in prison. When I had children of my own, I learned how intricately their educational experience was tied to that of their peers of color. We became the rare white family that talks about race. We’re long overdue for the conversation; only then will we understand events like #Ferguson and #Charleston.

We Are Creatures of Patterns

As humans, we are creatures of patterns. Views or situations to which we are exposed cause neurons in our brains to “ping” the call centers of our brain cells and forge connections to a targeted network of neuronal “neighbors.” The connections create neural pathways, or ways of thinking and acting that become stronger the more they are reinforced. So, depending on the social ideas, patterns and stories to which you are exposed, you may have a very different view of the United States.

If, for instance, you are a descendant of slaves, the stories that passed on to you are less likely to be about the independence gained through the Revolutionary War and more about the dignities stripped from you and your children, or your ancestors’ lives in slavery. Not only would your family be denied opportunities to reach prosperity, your cultural legacy would boast less to pass on, including books and photographs. Though now granted civil rights in 1964 (only 51 years ago) you are expected to make do with inferior housing, schools, and even health care.

The Counter-narrative to ‘Shining city …’

I have learned a counter-narrative to that of the U.S. as a “shining city on the hill” by staying present to the pain of my friends of color. In fact, our country was founded by white colonists who funded the war for independence with wealth created by slave labor. The surplus wealth of our country for half of its lifetime (from the first Jamestown settlement) was generated by a massive slave trade that sanctioned violently seizing land and people. Our society has had legalized slavery far longer than it has been free. A worldview of white dominance taints everything from our cultural reaction to drugs (crack vs. anti-depressants) to the correlation of education and your ZIP code. Our societal practices still bow to the wealth that white people have been able to invest, save and generate over time.

Holding the perspective of our friends of color requires that we intentionally increase our exposure to the reality and obstacles they experience. Learning the truth about race within the U.S. is a process of learning and exposure, akin to learning about another country. Each of us brings our square of exposure to the quilt. 

Embrace one key practice

If we hope to increase prosperity and maximize the quality of life for all, we must encourage each U.S. citizen to embrace one key practice: talking constructively — and with an open mind — about race.

The stakes have never been higher. Our divisions as a nation are making us increasingly vulnerable to terrorism and the demands of regimes that oppose our best interests. The world itself is experiencing the strain of overpopulation and climate change, and will require the intelligence of every young mind.

Laying the groundwork in early childhood 

The following thoughts were added to Kate’s blog by Julie Penshorn

I wanted to make sure all were aware that Teaching Tolerance has many valuable tools for your classroom community as well as your faculty.

Here is a suggestions from a recent article from The Greater Good Magazine. Discuss with staff at a staff meeting, “The hard part of talking a bout race/racism is …” and “The beneficial part of talking about race/racism is…”

A valuable resource geared for slightly older children than our target group at Smart Tools for  Life is available here:  “Teaching Tolerance Guide: Let’s Talk.” However, many of these ideas can be adapted. You’ll also see how valuable our children’s book The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace is when you look at the Teaching Tolerance group activities. Young children learn the basic tools in our work. Then, those skills can be expanded upon in older classrooms and children will have the preparedness to move forward easily. We will follow up with more ideas for young children.

Please Add Your Voice! Share Your Ideas!

If you’re interested in joining the discussion, add your voice to the Comment section below. Have you instituted a practice in your classroom that would be of benefit to others? Do you have a favorite book you’d like to tell us about? How about a teacher training circle exercise you use in your setting? We welcome your insights and encourage a dialogue.

Is anyone listening to me?

Listening Leads to Compassion and Empathy: Start With Young Children

 Listening is a key to understanding others. It is important for respectful interactions and even success in life. Listening helps us interpret the emotions of others and understand our own, opens doors in problem-solving and conflict resolution, and even helps us in business! As we become more skilled, we can reduce conflicts because we are more intuitive. When compassion and empathy increase, we become more perceptive partners, co-workers, friends and community members, capable of creating peace.

The Problem

The lack of empathy for the “other,” often exacerbated by power posturing and political opportunism, prevents the highly creative solutions found with “radical empathy,” from emerging. Instead, we stick with the same old stubborn behaviors chosen mostly out of habits founded in our own ignorance, hatred, and/or bigotry.

The Solution

Years ago Burt Berlowe, Rebecca Janke, and I wrote The Compassionate Rebel to name, identify and celebrate those whose anger and rebelliousness was rooted in empathy and compassion. These rebels forged highly creative solutions to challenging conditions and/or situations. As we celebrate one of our favorite compassionate rebels, Martin Luther King Junior, it’s a good time to remember that empathy and compassion, woven into the fabric of conflict resolution, have much more power — and lead to more lasting solutions — than bigotry and hatred. Based on mutual respect, deep listening and understanding reveal paths to radically transformed conflicts.

We must start with the children!

The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America’s Great Migration by Isabel Wilkerson is a powerful, empathy-building book. Recently interviewed on Krista Tippets’ OnBeing program, she reminds us that we can change the heart of the world “one heart at a time.” She asked a question that made my heart ache, “When a police officer shoots someone and that person is down, why don’t they show empathy? Why don’t they take that person’s hand?” Choked up, I continued to listen as she added, “We all have so much more in common than we have been led to believe.” 

Resist Divisiveness

Divisiveness is a construct, based on fear. It’s a contagious disease in our world today. Celebrating our common humanness, through building our skills for compassion and empathy, shows children the way to take the “other’s” hand, to connect in a way that traverses barriers and walls in our hearts and in our neighborhoods. I want tomorrow’s leaders to have those skills.

Below are some “smart tools” for children’s education, as we continue through the steps of conflict resolution in The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace children’s book.

The second step of the STOP for Peace conflict resolution process is T-Tell how you feel. A previous blog showed the first step: S-Stop and breathe

 

Is anyone listening to me? Child crying

Is anyone listening to me?

 

Let’s start with a story about kids:

A young boy approached the preschool teacher, while she helped another child get her coat on to go home, and impatiently tugged at her sleeve, “Teacher, Mrs. Sperling!”

“Kevin, remember we practiced how to interrupt me?” Mrs. Sperling handled the impatient youngster masterfully, “You touch my sleeve and then I will smile at you and you’ll know I’m going to help you as soon as I can.”

“But Mrs. Sperling, Alan took all the blocks and I can’t make anything!” persisted the child.

“Kevin, remember what we practiced. I’m looking at you. I see you. Please wait politely.”

Kevin listened! And he did!

Finally, the stubborn zipper she had been wrestling with was tamed, and the teacher turned her attention to the child.

“OK Kevin, I listened, and I hear you have a problem. What more did you want to say?”

“I told you,” was Kevin’s petulant reply.

Peacemaking Skills are Practiced With Children

“We’ve been practicing being peacemakers, remember? What is the first step when you have a problem – do you remember learning it from Mrs. McCloud in The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace?” asked Mrs. Sperling.

“Yes, STOP and breathe,” he managed. “But I did that and I still don’t have the blocks!”

“What’s the next step, Kevin? Remember we practiced with the I message cubes?”

“Tell how you feel,” came the hesitant answer. “But Alan won’t listen to my feelings.”

“How do you know that?” asked Mrs. Sperling.

“Because he’s selfish.”

“Maybe he is, or maybe he just needs to hear your feelings or your needs. I’ll watch you try using your peacemaking skills with Alan.”

Using an I-Message Builds Empathy Through Learning Deep Listening  

“Alan,” said Kevin, “I feel angry when I don’t have any blocks anymore because I was building something.”

“I know you were angry,” said Alan. “I was going to help you build the airport — with you — but you just walked away!”

“Oh, you wanted to play WITH ME? Oh, okay. Well, pass some blocks over here!”

The two started working together and that was that. Mrs. Sperling didn’t have to intervene.

The Basic Training for Young Peacemakers Can Only Take Place In the Right Circumstances

When the classroom is peaceful and there is no pressing conflict, children and teachers learn and practice the individual skills for conflict resolution. Then it’s much easier to have a rational conversation when a conflict actually occurs. Eventually, the adult isn’t needed at all. Children are perfectly capable of working out their problems independently. Especially when supported by teachers and parents. “Sure, you and Kevin can go over to the peace table to work on your problem. . .” (More on that in the next blog.)

Peacemakers-In-training Need Practice to Develop Independence

In this classroom, the children were “peacemakers-in-training.” The determined teacher had laid the foundation. She was persistent at reminding the children that they learn, and then become experts at, working out their problems on their own. This approach created a classroom community where it was safe to express feelings and empathy. In this environment, conflicts still happened, but all understood the expectations of peaceful resolution.

Conflict Resolution Demands Tenacity

Kevin and Alan’s conflict, like so many, depended on leadership — and some of the other skills that make a great teacher great — like tenacity and charisma. If the teacher solved it for the child, nothing could change. But she spent time laying the groundwork for that exchange! If Kevin walked away without persisting, he would have missed an opportunity for joining in play with Alan. Further, nothing would be learned or resolved. In this case, listening resulted in a close relationship, which is an ideal result.

How We Listen, Show Respect, and Demonstrate Empathy, Determines A Lot About Our Culture

We all want classrooms and homes with less tattling, whining, and bullying. But we also want more. We want to feel we are a vital part of something bigger than ourselves and know that we belong. There is a great feeling of safety provided in a community focused on peace. It provides a structure where our uniqueness and contributions can be fully heard and appreciated.

“Whether children build a world of peace or a world of hatred is as much a result of the choices we as adults make as of the choices they make. Children will build a world using the tools and materials we provide them with, so let us choose to share with them the ways of peace.” Dr. Wangari Maath.

Develop the Classroom Community Intentionally

Developing classroom community

Developing classroom community

There is too much at stake not to take the time necessary to develop community in our families and classrooms. Where peaceful conflict resolution is the norm, power-play behavior that is rooted in disrespect and manipulation is not.

The Listener Gets Ahead!

Today, the “peace literate” person with the most highly developed social skills, especially skills for empathetic listening (which leads to intuitive understanding), is the one who is going to be successful at leading, influencing, serving and getting along with others. That person recognizes that NOW is the time to seek solutions that are good for me, good for others and good for the planet. There is no other way for us to thrive; there is no other way to teach our children!

The Exhausted Parent Story

I watched a conflict between two young girls riding behind an exhausted parent driving down a snowy road.  But that parent, with dance practice, dinner-making, her phone, job, computer, and TV to provide disruptions hadn’t found time to spend on the actual coaching needed for this conflict to resolve as simply as it did in the classroom example above.

But What’s a Parent to Do?

Her solution was, “Behave children or I’ll call your father!” Such an admonition is likely to fall on deaf ears! If one child is clearly interested in grabbing attention or disruption for the sake of some self-interest, adult “guidance” is unappreciated by that child at that time.

How Can We Address These Complicated Situations?

Often teachers believe their job is insurmountable without parental assistance. They may feel expected to do all the work of social and emotional learning in school, yet they have so many other requirements. Meanwhile, parents tear out their hair and don’t feel qualified.

Ask Grandma for Child-Rearing help?

Grandma may not have suggestions for you! Though John Rosemond asserts that she’s the one with the answers in his thought-provoking book, he didn’t talk to my grandma! She thought that the world had changed so much that her ways were no longer valid. In fact, I, along with many other parents, was quite overwhelmed as a young mother. And with the day to day rushing around of trying to make a living and being there for my child, I didn’t have much left at bedtime to give the topic enough study! Thankfully, I did learn some important skills from my son’s preschool teacher, Rebecca Janke, M.Ed.   

Schools and Preschools Can Help Lead Parents to Succeed

If both preschools and early elementary schools provide this important learning for the children, parents are often delighted! They happily participate at home by continuing the learning with short take-home activities and suggestions. When everyone is on the same page, success is much more likely. For my Master’s Degree in Business Communications, I did a research study on parent’s opinions of the value of a peace education curriculum in their child’s preschool. Interestingly, most were even willing to pay more to have it.

How about a Kids’ Music and Drama show so parents have an opportunity to listen and learn?

Children singing and demonstrating peace

Children can sing, dance, demonstrate peacemaking skills

We highly encourage providing children opportunities to show off their learning with a dramatization. With the available music, a music and drama show is a wonderful way to educate the entire community as the children, their parents and others attend the show.

 

 

The second step in the STOP for Peace conflict resolution process is T – Tell how you feel

This step can only be attempted after all parties have remembered to do step S – STOP and breathe, and have calmed down. “Tell how you feel” is where we get down to the nitty-gritty of the problem!

Here are specific smart tools for creating a culture of peace through listening and expressing feelings

This section is included With Purchase of the I-Message cubes.

I-message cubes for conflict resolution

I-message cubes for conflict resolution

The I-Message Cubes are so good for learning to listen and communicate through an I-message! By engaging the children in games, the learning is easy. However, even without the cubes, many of the following activities are possible. If you don’t have cubes, start by cutting out magazine faces of people or children showing different emotions. Label them. Here’s information about the cubes and how to use them. They work well with classroom communities, but families can have a lot of fun with the cubes too. You’ll notice the complexity of the exercises increases as you go through the games and activities. Younger children may not be able to learn all the more advanced sentences and skills.

I-Message Cubes: There are four cubes in a set, available here. The feelings depicted on the orange cubes are generally recognized as positive and the blue cubes have feelings that are generally recognized as negative. Then, there is an orange cube with scenarios depicted that are generally considered pleasant and a blue cube with unpleasant times. The exercises below start with just the feelings faces cube in orange and blue. The scenarios come later.

  1. Start with the orange faces cube and show one face at a time, naming the feelings on all six sides. The feelings depicted are happy, joyful, excited, loving, surprised and peaceful. Go back to the first face and ask the children to show that feeling with their bodies. Celebrate their attempts. Repeat until all six sides have been explored.
  2. Do it now with the blue faces cubes. Those feelings are hurt, scared, angry, frustrated, sad and lonely.
  3. Do the same steps but have child/ren pretend to be a certain animal with a particular feeling.
  4. Again, do the same steps but now child/ren pretend to be another member of their family.
  5. Another day children draw a picture of a time they felt “excited.” They draw a picture for the peace journal or a feelings book. Another day they draw a time they were “sad” and so on until all the feelings of the cubes have been explored.
  6. Children can cut out pictures of people showing different feeling and make a feelings “chapter book” with a few pages for each feeling.

Then demonstrate how to use the cubes in the scenarios

This series of activities is designed to focus on positive experiences through role play while developing listening skills and cooperation and building community. It also allows the adult to know the children better (because their interpretations of the art will be directly related to their personal experiences). Children learn to talk about themselves in positive ways and celebrate what is going well.

Adaptations for Those who Don’t have Cubes

Bring in some pictures of scenes for this activity. Scenes like children planting a tree, having a book read to them, going to Grandma’s house, someone bringing another child a gift, playing ball or another game together, and so on. For the not-so-great times, you can find illustrations or pictures of conflicts, pollution, sickness, someone wrecking another child’s work, parent ignoring a child, and so on. Here are two of the pictures from the cubes. You have permission to print them out to use.

Boys fighting over toys need conflict resolution skills

Boys in conflict over toys can cause injury.

Child kicking another child's work over

Conflict happens! Skills are needed.

  1. Hold up the orange cube or your picture showing one scenario. Tell a little story about the scenario by starting with, “This picture reminds me of the time. . .” Pass it to a few children and ask, “What do you think is happening?”
  2. Continue in this manner until all pictures have been explored.
  3. Roll the cube or choose a scenario. Ask the number of children needed, to act out that scenario in the middle of the circle.
  4. Ask the other children what feeling/s they see being acted out.
  5. Take turns rolling the cube and doing role plays for the various depicted scenarios.

Empathy building is key

Use the blue scenario cube. This game helps children learn to respond with empathy to someone’s problem and find alternative points-of-view when an uncomfortable situation occurs.

  1. Hold up the blue scenario cube showing one uncomfortable scene. Have children tell what they think is happening and how they would feel if that happened to them. Rather than acting out the scenario the children can brainstorm some caring activities that could be done instead. Complete until all sides have been explored.
  2. Read a story and ask if various characters are peacemakers. If not, children are invited to become “peace authors” and recreate the story by drawing pictures and telling a new story to the adult. The adult can write down the children’s drawn alternative. If children are writing they can get more elaborate. Remember, we are collecting children’s stories of ways they were peacemakers here on this website. This might be an opportunity for your child/ren to share their story.

Learning the skills for I-Messages 

This game provides visual cues to develop children’s ability to say an I-message when feeling uncomfortable, encourages alternatives to violence, and teaches communicating without attacking or blaming. It also teaches that uncomfortable feelings are okay to talk about and gives children an opportunity to express uncomfortable feelings in a safe place. After children master these skills, celebrate that they now know how to use words instead of fists when uncomfortable feelings arise.

  1. Start by saying the words, “I feel,” and then rolling the blue faces cube, and naming the feeling that comes up on the top of the cube. So, “I feel lonely.” Then roll the other like-colored cube and describe the scene you see: “When someone is reading the paper and won’t pay attention to me.” Notice the words do not include the blaming use of “you” nor do they name anyone. So, instead of “I feel lonely when Dad is reading the paper and won’t put me on his lap,” encourage something more like the previous sentence. By using both the orange and the blue cubes children get the idea that their feelings are wide-ranging and become much more competent at expressing them.
  2. The children take turns rolling the cubes and practicing their I-messages.
  3. When they have mastered the concept in the abstract, go on to specific I-messages for times of trouble when there is no conflict. For example, have the children practice an experimental problem. “Children, if someone has all the crayons and you can’t have any, how do you feel?” Record their I-messages. Then, “If you are the one with all the crayons, how do you feel?” Most often when children won’t share there is some underlying reason. See if you can gain a deeper understanding by listening during this exercise. Then, when the problem comes up you have history to refer to: “Remember when we talked about sharing and other children said they felt sad when someone wouldn’t share? I am sure you don’t want Kyle to feel sad. What feeling keeps you from sharing today, Jessica?” Persist a bit through the “I don’t know.” Use the cubes to prompt her. “Do you feel like this person? Or this?” and so on.
  4. If a child can’t go to I-messages it’s often because they are still too emotionally charged. They may need more time to cool off. Without a tone of punishment, offer a way for the child to get that need met. “Do you need more time to cool off and breathe?” “I know you want to work this out and be a peacemaker. When do you think you’ll be ready to say how you feel?” (But don’t forget to get back to it because conflict avoidance is not a good habit.)
  5. Eventually, many children can demonstrate the deep listening skill of repeating what the speaker has said, “Oh, you feel lonely when no one plays with you?’ This is a wonderful addition to any communications.
  6. Children draw their own scenarios to make new cubes or cover the blue and orange ones in this set!

Time to Celebrate!

Now that the children have the skills for two important pieces of the conflict resolution process, celebrate their learning! Ask them how they want to celebrate.

Another Approach: The “I-Need” Message

In some situations, I-messages are not the right tool. When there is a power imbalance or a big age difference, or when people really don’t care how you feel, another skill is needed. The “I-Need” statement is a separate skill set for children to learn when they are not in a compassionate community. Here’s a great article on that from Kristin Stuart Valdes http://www.morningsidecenter.org/blog/i-need-message. However, in many settings, it is I-messages that can be used.

If you liked this article, please support our work by contributing to our I STOP for Peace campaign at this link. Please like, and please share!

Our upcoming book, I Can See Peace takes empathy and compassion to an even deeper level as it explores ways for children to intentionally and mindfully seek peace. This article from Time.com will give you a glimpse into the importance of that new book. Watch for it soon!

I Can See Peace book cover

I Can See Peace book cover

The Peacemaking owl shows how to stop and breathe in The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace

STOP and breathe! World Leaders Need the Same Tools as Children

 

 

“Stop and breathe” is a way to start at home, at school, and even internationally

As we watch with worry the escalating rhetoric between the United States and North Korea it’s easy to see that the two leaders involved are not working to gain the trust of each other and to de-escalate the conflict. They are refusing to become conflict “partners” committed to working out their disagreements in a way that preserves the dignity and safety of each nation. Neither Trump or Kim Jong Un demonstrate that they know how to stop and breathe. Instead, they are putting the two nations on a collision course.

We have all experienced the unhappy, frightening, or even dangerous situations resulting from conflicts where one, both, or all parties is clearly dangerous. If we reflect on those times, they usually are very similar: someone won’t STOP his or her actions, and therefore the possibility of physical harm increases. 

Even in early childhood classrooms, children learn that conflicts can’t be addressed til all are calm. In the new children’s book, “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace,” the Barnyard Buddies start with the letter S – which stands for “STOP and breathe,” and then go through a complete conflict resolution process using the letters S-T-O-P. This simple process, which works equally well for adults, starts with stopping

Every conflict resolution process has a slightly different twist. “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace” demonstrates an approach focusing on safety first. The first step is “S” for STOP and breathe. But it could be S for safety. When people stop and breathe, it derails violence and conflicts shift. This happens in the classroom, the home, the community and even between countries.

Prepare for conflict and practice the skills

Conflict is a part of life that we can plan for, like having a baby, getting a new job, or retiring from a job! It can be hard, and stressful. It also can be life-changing, even wonderful! But one thing is for sure, it’s so much easier to handle if we are prepared! We form our conflict resolution styles very early, some say as young as 18 months! Any changes we can make, in our own behaviors, and/or in specific skill development for children, can bring benefits to our shared future. In a classroom or home where peace is intentional, children practice learning to stop and breathe, and then they learn the rest of the conflict resolution skills. With practice, they develop a habit of using them. Finally, they will be able to access those wonderful tools, independently, for life.

A Story

STOP for Peace process

I STOP for Peace conflict resolution process

We were told this story by a woman who attended one of our family programs: “My husband and I were arguing in the kitchen after we each had put in a long day of work. Neither one of us were at our best, which led us to yelling at each other with our six-year-old son standing by. After turning around from putting something in the oven, I noticed neither one of them was there. Puzzled as to where they could be, I went looking. Lo and behold, I found them sitting at the low-lying breathing table, on the cushions, slowly breathing in and out. I was so moved, I sat down with them. We breathed and the tension eased. Eventually, we talked.”

Developing the skills to stop and breathe

Defining a space is one way to make the action of stopping to breathe very concrete for children. But even with nothing designated as a location, the practice can be internalized by repetition. The sentiments of this woman have been echoed over and over throughout our years of working on conflict resolution education. When people learn to stop and breathe — to just stop the tirade, the outburst, the angry or abusive word or action, the path to a better tomorrow can emerge.

Rushing to solve a conflict when emotions are hot, is a recipe for disaster!

Child kicking another child's work over

“Stop and breathe!”

The four steps in our conflict resolution process spell the word STOP. We chose this acronym because it is extremely important to emphasize this important key: if emotions are hot, before acting or trying to work anything out, just stop and breathe. That way the brain has time to reset from its fight and flight mode. During the fight and flight time the emotions are not in any kind of balance and people can get emotionally or even physically hurt. It takes several minutes for this reset to happen. So, after we experience our initial anger or other strong emotion, we need to stop, breathe, and wait to talk. This allows the higher cortex to take over from the limbic brain.

A Simple Way to Share the STOP Process

One benefit of children’s books, is that they also reach adults who may not otherwise explore these topics! When parents read to their children, they learn too. Teachers can click this link then download the FREE coloring page. This provides the entire STOP process outlined in the book. One benefit of this page is it can be instrumental in educating adults at home. Students can color it in the classroom and take it home, asking for it to be posted on the fridge so the easy process is right there whenever something comes up at home.

The process doesn’t end at step S, Stop and Breathe.

If working with children in a classroom or home, tell them, “We stop and breathe first, then we are going to work this out and everyone can talk who has something to share.”

Children at a peace table

After we stop and breathe we can sit at a peace table and work it out.

If you have a special location in the classroom or home for problem solving, that helps make working out a conflict a growing time and not a feared event. You may even want to have a small table designated “Peace Table.”

When you provide a place to “work it out” children become much more engaged in learning and practicing their conflict resolution skills. After a while, children are so good at this they can do it anywhere. We went into some detail on this in a book we wrote years ago called “Peacemaker’s A,B,Cs for Young Children: A guide for teaching conflict resolution with a peace table.” 

 

 

 

 

 

STOP and breathe. The Barnyard Buddies breathing

In the book, “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace,” the Buddies practice breathing.

Who is responsible?

By taking the responsibility to STOP ourselves, every time, instead of lashing out, hitting, screaming, saying hurtful things, we are taking a huge step FOR peace. We also are role modelling for children what we want them to do. When we guide them to stop and breathe, we create a generation of people who can support and sustain a culture of peace. We are demonstrating respect and care for ourselves and others. This is an essential place to start for all peacemaking efforts.

Choose a time when there is no pressing conflict to learn new skills for solving them.

When everyone is calm, in a classroom or a home, that’s the time to learn new skills – like how to breathe in and out, slowly and peacefully. This link will give you some ideas. Breathing helps us center ourselves, and provides a wonderful tool for children’s entire lives! Keep in mind the learning styles of the children. Encourage them to share what helps them calm themselves. Combine that with writing or drawing, and now you are creating the culture as the children become peace authors or artists! You could even do it at circle time by asking each child to introduce him or herself and say a way that they like to calm down. Posting these pictures can provide reminders if needed.

Stop and breathe with “The Barnyard Buddies!” 

I have heard many breathing and cooling off ideas from children, learned in their preschools and schools. It’s terrific that many have started working on this important skill!

What we contribute in the book, The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace and it’s companion music, I STOP for Peace, that we think is particularly special, is the way we tap into children’s emotions, not just their intellects. By incorporating skill-building into a children’s book with engaging, indeed, loveable characters with real emotions, kids begin to think, “What would the Barnyard Buddies do to solve this?” Or, “What would Mrs. McCloud (the peacemaking owl who serves as the Buddies’ coach) do?” That’s when we are getting to their hearts and not just their minds. At that point STOPPING becomes a tool for life and we have a chance to reduce domestic violence, and other forms of violence, as these kids grow up and self-identify as peacemakers with statements such as: “I STOP for Peace.”

Work FOR something. It feels better and you last longer!

We need to remember to spend our time working FOR something. That’s a great way to keep our energy up for a long journey. If we only think of being against the angry outbursts, for example, we will become exhausted. Instead, we can be for stopping and breathing or for peaceful conflict resolution where all are heard. It takes three times more energy to be against something than to reframe it and be for something else. 

We are gathering children’s stories

The Power of Story Gathering Conflict resolution stories from kids

The power of story telling — children as peace authors

We can prompt children’s journey into the world of sharing, caring, getting along and practicing peaceful conflict resolution by encouraging them to write, tell, or draw a way they stopped for peace! When we publish that story, children can celebrate becoming peace literate. Children who are for peace have begun to create a new world, one in which we all want to live! Sharing those stories with others, is a powerful, inspirational step for peace. Encourage children to share their work FOR peace in written stories, art, or even music. Here’s the link.

 

Our next book, “I Can See Peace,” (coming soon!) introduces the concept that peace is all around us, it just gets interrupted. It shows how children in any socioeconomic group, with any kind of family, with any level of mental or physical health, can still find peace, somehow, every day. Both books are wonderful support for mindfulness programs.

Next time, Step T — Tell how you feel!

 

Learning about others and celebrating diversity

World Peace Day is September 21, 2017. Here are 10 Ideas for Action

World Peace Day is a wonderful opportunity to focus on peace at home and at school.

On the heels of the Nobel Peace Prize Forum, comes World Peace Day, September 21. This is the day people in schools and homes across the world will sit down with their children and talk about peace. According to the United Nations website, the International Day of Peace this year “. . . will focus on engaging and mobilizing people throughout the world to show support for refugees and migrants.”

How is World Peace Day Relevant?

Those who are not suffering from a war-torn environment can sometimes push aside this day as irrelevant for them. However, so many of our actions have world-wide implications. We need to remember we can do something in all communities to bring people together and enhance their safety and dignity. For young children, we can introduce them to child-friendly conflict resolution and peacemaking materials, and much more. Keep reading for some ideas.

The Smart Tools for Life project, “I STOP for Peace”

The Smart Tools for Life project, “I STOP for Peace”, focuses on drawing attention to the peaceful conflict resolution techniques and acts of kindness and caring already present in the child’s world. It invites children to share a story of how they worked out a problem with someone, or spent time playing with the new child in school, had a child from a different country or background over to their house, or brainstormed a solution to a problem that worked for all.

Cover of upcoming book, The Barnyard Buddies Meet a Refugee

upcoming children’s book, “The Barnyard Buddies Meet a Refugee”

The “I STOP for Peace” campaign compiles and celebrates the individual acts children do to make “World Peace Day” everyday!

At the Smart Tools for Life website people can currently find out more about this campaign and how to submit a story. Smart Tools for Life is compiling them and will share them in an upcoming book. Those chosen as contributing stories for the book will be sent a free copy, and many of the stories will be featured in this blog.

Celebrated across the globe every year as the International Day of Peace, the goal of World Peace Day is to bring nations and people together. The theme for 2017 is “Together for Peace: Respect, Safety and Dignity for All”. The upcoming book, the second in the Barnyard Buddies series, “The Barnyard Buddies Meet a Refugee” will make this topic relevant to all young children as they watch the unhappy, lonely dog find acceptance and purpose in the group of Barnyard Buddies.

World Peace Day is especially timely and relevant this year

The subject of immigration and the refugee crisis have become a political battleground in the US, effectively splitting the population into two camps – those for and those against. It is urgent that we, as a society of global citizens, learn to resolve our conflicts, on this topic and others, in ways that enhance dignity, respect, and safety for all involved, rather than pursue ways that divide us.

But how do we do that? As Gandhi said, “We must begin with the children.” As we age, we can get set in our ways and less open to new or different ideas. Our children, however, are sponges that absorb new things easily. That’s why introducing children to a discussion of world peace through a discussion of peace in their classroom and home is so key to our shared future.

Our New Future

Our New Future

Smart Tools for Life creates children’s books, children’s music and other state-of-the-art resources that teach children how to problem solve in creative, respectful, and peaceful ways.

These materials provide practical and inspiration tools rooted in the latest concepts in neuroscience, social and emotional education, and environmental education. The materials are catchy and fun, and are a great way to introduce young learners to the idea that developing these skills and caring for themselves, others, and the planet, is not only fun and engaging, it’s a normal part of their learning process.

By sharing these tools with children, influencers help kids become the leaders of tomorrow, capable of co-creating a culture we all want to live in.

The children easily grasp the skills for conflict resolution and anger management when they are presented in an engaging story like “The Barnyard Buddies Stop for Peace.”

This link is to Barnes and Noble. You can also find it on Amazon. They will refer to the Barnyard Buddies long after the story is read in the classroom or home. The book is available on Kindle and other electronic formats, so you can get it right away to read and share with children on World Peace Day.

The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace in Action

I heard a wonderful story from a parent who told me they went to the zoo after reading the Barnyard Buddies book and the four-year-old child said, “Oh look! The zebras are not sharing their shelter! They need to have Mrs. McCloud (the peacemaking owl in the story) help them learn to be peacemakers.” The four-year-old-child easily made this connection. With a little adult coaching, children can find how they are like the characters in the book, too.

Everybody remembers the Dr. Seuss stories they read to their children, or heard as children. That’s because this type of story sinks deeply into the hearts and minds of kids, often for life. At Smart Tools for Life, we create similar stories: fun, engaging, rhyming, with great art, that have a message. We recognize it’s not just what we teach that matters, but how we teach.

When Rebecca Janke and I co-authored Peacemaker’s A,B,Cs for Young Children in 1995, we were happy to see it go into approximately 13,000 locations. Though we have changed from an A,B,C,D,E process to S,T,O,P, the material in that book is still very useful. Since you can get it so inexpensively used now, you may want to get a copy for your reference. Here are some ideas from that book.

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10 Ideas for World Peace Day

  1. Guide children to start seeing peace. “Peacemakers look to create peace rather than waiting for peace to happen. Peace is an active process! It can be fun and exciting, and more entertaining than violent images. . . The most powerful act anyone can do for peace is continue to see it, share it and live it.” (from “Peacemaker’s A,B,Cs for Young Children” page 9). To get this concept across to the child/ren, play “I Spy With My Little Eye Something Peaceful and it’s _______________” as a circle activity, or driving in the car, etc.
  2. Tell a story to your child/ren about how you were a peacemaker, a way you worked for peace, or a way you cooled off and didn’t explode when you were angry.
  3. Listen to the stories they share. Write them down (and submit them with their permission-of course. Only first names will be used when we share it).
  4. Read and be inspired by a book about a great peacemaker. Share a short summary with the children, or find an age-appropriate book to read them.
  5. Take an action for peace, like encourage your local library to have a peace section for children’s books.
  6. Ask the children for ideas of how to make the classroom or home more peaceful. Record their ideas. Agree by consensus on an idea to try.
  7. Rewrite a story with alternatives to violence. Pick a children’s book or movie they know, and experiment with rewriting/reimagining it as a peacemaking/creativity exercise.
  8. Make a peace mural featuring children’s artwork, pictures of people of different cultures working together, peaceful images of nature, peace flags, and quotations.
  9. Take time to think about refugees and those suffering from migration challenges, floods, hurricanes, and so on. Write a poem or a letter of encouragement and hopefulness to someone.
  10. Share a food from a country where war is causing disruption and discuss with the children how the kids in that area of the world are living now, and how they might not be able to have their favorite food right now.

World Peace Day is Everyday at Smart Tools for Life

Smart Tools for Life is an ongoing project of the nonprofit, Growing Communities for Peace. It serves parents and educators by providing children’s books and children’s music, and makes it easy and engaging to bring state-of-the-art social skills like peacemaking, peacekeeping, and peacebuilding, to young children, thereby encouraging more harmonious, sustainable relationships with others and the planet.

The materials are designed to develop peace literacy as they educate, entertain, and empower all those involved to strengthen families, classrooms, and neighborhoods. They also provide other teacher and parent education to support and maintain a culture of peace.

World Peace Day is a wonderful opportunity to focus on peace at home and at school.

 

 

 

 

A key to Life Success? Starting Early with Peacemaking and Conflict Resolution: New Children’s book for ages 3 to 9 shows how

Without skills for peaceful conflict resolution and problem solving, children are often labeled “bad,” “acting out,” and “disruptive.” But what are they to do when they have strong emotions and no social skills for working out their problems? And what are adults to do to cope with violent behavior at home or at school/preschool?

 

Boys fighting over toys need conflict resolution skills

Boys in conflict over toys can cause injury.

Conflict over limited resources can be an opportunity!

Is this a picture of life at your house or in your classroom? There will always be limited resources in our worlds, whether it’s a classroom or a nation. It’s simply not possible to provide everything every child wants all the time. And, this gives us opportunities for learning as we guide children. But children need tools and skills for managing their anger and staying in community when faced with limited resources and other situations that prompt their frustration, anger, or other emotions. Without these tools they may feel compelled to lash out and potentially hurt themselves and/or others.

As we watch how people are sharing resources as they recover from hurricanes Harvey and Irma, we can be inspired to believe that people can make smart decisions that are good for all, their relationships with each other, and the planet.

Skills for peaceful conflict resolution provide key social and emotional skills!

Over the years, recognition of the importance of social emotional learning (SEL) has swelled. Now, we have governors of several states talking about their goals for educating preschoolers in SEL, based on research showing its importance for adult lives. Hanna Melnick, Channa M. Cook-Harvey, and Linda Darling-Hammond recently wrote in “Encouraging Social and Emotional Learning in the Context of New Accountability” (2017 — provides numerous links and references for further reading):

The Every Student Succeeds Act (ESSA) . . . provides an important opportunity for states to broaden the definition of student success to include measures of students’ social-emotional, as well as academic, development. Social and emotional learning (SEL) is a broad and multifaceted concept, which the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL) defines as “the process through which children and adults acquire and effectively apply the knowledge, attitudes, and skills necessary to understand and manage emotions, set and achieve positive goals, feel and show empathy for others, establish and maintain positive relationships, and make responsible decisions.” Well-implemented programs designed to foster SEL are associated with positive outcomes, ranging from better test scores and higher graduation rates to improved social behavior. 

Of course, children will continue to be significantly impacted throughout their lives by many challenges! But the tools we provide in our children’s books and children’s music are useful for navigating the world safely, with self confidence and joy. We call our tools, “Smart Tools for Life” because it is smart to learn them! Further, they are memorable and engaging, and sink deeply into children’s hearts and minds — often for life. 

“I STOP for Peace” music and “The Barnyard Buddies Stop for Peace”

Our first children’s book is called, “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace.” In it, the characters experience a conflict over resources, and work it out peacefully. They don’t stop there, however, they regain their trust in each other, renew their relationships, and celebrate their success.

Songs for Peace children's music

Share social and other peacemaking skills with children and build a culture of peace!

The book is enhanced by two music CDs: “Songs for Peace,” by Julie Penshorn with Rebecca Janke, and one that specifically supports the learning in the book: “I STOP for Peace,” also by Penshorn with Janke. The children on the music CD refer to the book and connect the dots for you! You can purchase all at www.Amazon.com. Here’s the link for I Stop for Peace music on Amazon, or get it at Smart Tools for Life.

Conflict resolution songs for ages 3 to 9

Children’s music, conflict resolution songs for ages 3 to 9. I STOP for Peace, by Julie Penshorn

Tools in your “smart” toolbox!

When you have a tool like The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace, in your parenting and teacher toolbox, you can connect it to any ongoing program you have, or it can be a freestanding program. It’s especially appropriate to the needs of young children ages 3 to 9.

Children develop relationships with the characters that can be used to enhance their learning in a variety of ways. For example, when children are in conflict you can ask: “Now how would Mrs. McCloud (the owl, and the key peacemaker in the story) solve that?” The end result in the story is better relationships, more community, and no blame, shame, or harsh punishments. Why shouldn’t all our conflicts end that way?

A Story

A friend brought a four-year-old to the book reading (partially shown on the video above). After the book reading, she, her boyfriend, and the child went to the zoo. It was a rainy day like in the book. My friend told me later that when they walked by the zebras the child said, “Look at that zebra! He’s just like King! He’s not sharing the space under the leanto!” Already, she was connecting the characters in the book to her daily life and to others in it.

Teacher and parent guide in the book

An added benefit of the book, “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace,” is that it contains a teacher and parent guide, plus the music for the “I STOP for Peace” song. You don’t have to struggle to integrate this book with your curriculum. It effortlessly flows into it. In fact, it can BE your conflict resolution curriculum! With the music to enhance memorability, children will soon be conflict resolution experts!

There are as many ways to be peacemakers as there are people. The joy of finding a resolution to conflict that enhances our lives rather than detracts from it, is sublime! So, we learn the skills, we practice, and it becomes easier and more natural every time.

Next time we’ll talk about the most important step in that conflict resolution process: STOP and breathe.
See you next time!