STOP for Peace coloring page

STOP for Peace! Steps O-Open your Mind and P-Plan a Deal and take action!

Open Your Mind,

Plan a Deal and then take action

The third step in the conflict resolution process from the children’s book, The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace is Step O, Open your mind. This step comes after children share their feelings. At this point, opportunities and ideas readily arise. Plan a deal is what you do with all those ideas. Put a big smile on your face like the youngsters pictured, is what you do when you choose something that works for all! Become a Compassionate Rebel working for gun control is what you do if you are a high school student at Marjory Stoneman Douglas, the site of the recent, heartbreaking, school shooting!

kids shaking hands

Kids can do the steps Open your mind and Plan a Deal!
Copyright: wavebreakmediamicro / 123RF Stock Photo

A crisis, like a school shooting at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High, reminds us we need children who are independent thinkers!

Crisis can lead us forward. The activism of the students in Florida reminds me of the 1960s when student activists led us to so much positive change for peace. These students’ courage, even in the face of death threats is remarkable and moving. And, when I was in the first-grade classroom last week, helping FFA teens present my book to the little ones, there was a flood of thoughts in my brain as I envisioned the beautiful, innocent six-year-olds blasted with an assault weapon.

Two things mainly came to my mind:

1) how terrifying to think of anyone hurting these children, and

2) how important it is that these children have the skills they need to make this world a more peaceful place!

Peace literacy is not an optional activity anymore

Isn’t it time we got serious about what is at stake in our country, our world? This the fragile planet of our ancestors which the Native Americans remind us to care for thinking ahead seven generations. These are the fragile children that we are charged to protect. As you continue reading this blog, I hope you see that peace literacy, including understanding and ability to use peaceful conflict resolution, is a key ingredient for their future on their planet. 

Developing peace literacy includes having an open mind and skills to express yourself

As the students of Marjory Stoneman Douglas talked and cried together after the shooting, their tears showed many emotions, including anger and fear. Strong emotions like these lead people to seek ideas for a better tomorrow. They became Compassionate Rebels as their young, active minds quickly recognized that there was no antidote to their pain and suffering. The status quo wasn’t working, and they wanted change. They couldn’t go back in time and stop the shooting that killed 17 people they knew and loved, but they might be able to save someone else from their plight. They became proactive peacemakers as they took the stance together of “never again.” 

Let’s solve this – “this is not difficult”

Nicole Hockley of Sandy Hook Promise, who lost her 6-year-old son in the Sandy Hook shooting five years ago, spoke recently (at a “listening session” at the White House, February 21, 2018) on the topic of school shootings. She pointed out that there are many doable steps to solving the problems around school shootings, and listed several. I expect they were the result of many brainstorming session with her group as they did the step we call O, “open your mind,” in the STOP Process. They included “more funding for mental health. . . [passing] the Stop School Violence Act,” and improving school safety and security.

The part of her presentation that was so powerful was when she said  “this is not difficult. These deaths are preventable. . .” I think what she means is: these are pretty easy things to get agreement on. They aren’t weapons bans. We just need to Plan a deal that includes such solutions and  reflects that we are caring for others.”

Even when problems seem insurmountable, change can happen!

After sharing our feelings, people are moved. Problems often resolve easily. Many of us certainly have been crying along with the articulate and emotional Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School students as they speak. However, whether politicians can listen and implement change with true empathy and compassion varies, because the additional factor of money, (for re-election, and keeping one’s job) is such a significant one in political decisions. Money is a relevant consideration for us too, as parents, citizens, and leaders.

But this is really not difficult! There are so many ideas that pass the criteria of Step P – Plan a deal: They are good for me, good for you, and good for the community. You could even add, good for the seventh generation.

Our New Future

Our Shared New Future

If self-interest prevents some from making decisions that are good for others and our shared future, non-violent strategies can still effect change. Voting, for example, can make a huge difference! Putting pressure on people’s financial interests is another method. The activism of the students and several corporations to stop favoring NRA members is a terrific example.

Working directly with young children, where we are not hampered by that additional consideration, is a great joy! We can certainly say, as Nicole Hockley did, “This is not difficult!” The children are capable of solving very complicated problems.

Introducing Brainstorming is Introducing Imagining and Creativity

In a classroom or home, the “Open your mind” step offers teachers and parents an opportunity to introduce the idea of “brainstorming” to young children. This is a wonderful word since it can be so much fun! There are countless creativity exercises and brainstorming activities to help children get the idea that brainstorming is not about right and wrong, but about playing with ideas. Then they can really open their minds and become powerful peacemakers.

Step O, Open your mind is about brainstorming! Seem too complicated for your three-year-old? Keep reading! The companion music CD, I STOP for Peace makes it so easy! It has a song for Step O, Open your mind. It’s called We’re Having a Brainstorm. It connects brainstorming and rainstorming in a fun way that you can do at home or at school (see tips below). The other songs and children’s dialogues on the full CD support each step in the conflict resolution process and kids dialogues demonstrate each of the steps.

Not right or wrong, just different

When we have a conflict with any person we often find that it’s not about right versus wrong, but rather about “different.” We simply have different ideas about something. The other person isn’t “bad” and we aren’t perfect! Only after feelings have been shared in step T, Tell how you feel, do we begin to recognize that we start from common ground. Through the empathy and compassion we build in step T, we recognize that the other person is a frail human-being too! What if some of the people looking to buy assault weapons had a friend to talk to?

Problem-solving, even between adults and children, is not really about right and wrong. It’s about finding a solution that honors everyone and respects differences. That’s why Step O, “Open your mind,” works best with a large dose of empathy and compassion in the room! Without them, right and wrong have to be drilled into a child, often with very mixed results!

Children are very good at opening their hearts and minds to all sorts of possibilities and diverse opinions. Thus, “teaching” them about right and wrong is largely unnecessary. With the help of a few simple guidelines, they begin to make healthy choices on their own. 

“Somewhere beyond right and wrong, there is a garden. I will meet you there.” Jalaluddin Mevlana Rumi – ولوی

Developing classroom community

Developing classroom community

 

How do we role model ways to respectfully interact with others?

Children learn from our actions. Role modeling for right and wrong is witnessed. It is important. Sometimes we may forget how we role model. For example, Do we STOP and breathe when we are angry with a child. . . ask the children how they feel (step T) tell them how we feel (step T) blame them for our feelings? Do we honor and respect their ideas (step O) and involve them in (step P) planning solutions?

Sooner or later, whether we like it or not, our children grow into teens and adults! The type of foundation we helped them build for problem-solving intelligently and peacefully determines whether they spend their years rebelling or lend a positive influence to our shared future.

Consider this: In math class, children are asked to show their work. The teacher wants to know how they are thinking it through. Ask yourself, “Do I want my kid to be able to think things through? Be an independent problem-solver? Be articulate like students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High?

When the problem becomes an opportunity for joining

The other day I was at a political caucus and even among people who were like-minded politically, heated conflict developed over how details of energy policy should read in a  resolution which we were drafting. It surprised and concerned me that the hackles quickly rose! Pleased that I could enhance the conversation with a focus on areas of agreement and commonality, I shared my worry that we were bogging down and not focusing on our shared larger goals. That was the opportunity for joining in this conflict.

Many years of peacemaking and peaceful conflict resolution experience prompted me to use my peacemaking skills and not get caught up in minutia. Like anything else, these skills require practice.

We must start with young children

Skills for peaceful conflict resolution become a habit only when practiced over time. Starting young gives children years to practice! They learn to respect other points-of-view and find solutions that truly work for all involved when they learn the STOP for Peace Process.

Blowing up the lab

A point-of-view that emphases “right or wrong” suppresses possibility. It creates perfectionism and fear to try something new and make mistakes. Years ago I had a boyfriend who was a scientist. He worked at a major corporation in Minnesota where experimentation was vital to company growth, renewal, and profitmaking. He once told me he blew a wall out of his lab and the company didn’t even slap his hand. I was amazed, “Why not?” I queried.

“Because they like me to make mistakes! That’s where learning, and ultimately the success, comes from.” was his reply. 

Tips for brainstorming sessions “Open your mind” 

When we work with young children it’s all too easy to discount their opinions and ideas! Though we may not even understand some of their apparently nonsensical comments, we need to try to follow them enough to honor them and write something down! Often we do have a better idea than they do. It would be faster if we just solved that problem ourselves! Especially since we are always overworked and in a hurry!

But how can young children practice and make mistakes when we constantly give them our answers? They need space for their voices and ideas to be heard. If we don’t allow them to experiment, they won’t learn the limits naturally and they will end up suffering from their poor decisions. And we won’t get a chance to see how they are thinking things through and using the “open your mind” step.

Solving problems in classrooms or homes must be safe for kids so they can learn and experiment. Those places are wonderful as children’s life-laboratories!  

One RULE for “Plan a deal”: Any good choice from the Open your mind step must be good for me, good for you (the other party), and good for the community.

When generating ideas with children, don’t edit. Try to gently guide without giving too many suggestions. Occasionally remind children that there are rules that must be considered when they are ready to choose an idea and “Plan a deal.”

In our work over the years at Growing Communities for Peace, we usually write down each child’s brainstormed idea. Then as a second step, we go through with the child/ren and review each idea asking: Is it good for me, good for you, and good for the community? If yes, we leave that idea on the sheet of paper or the board. in the final analysis, everyone’s point-of-view is honored and validated if it meets the simple, comprehensive rule. 

The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace cover

The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace conflict resolution and anger management for kids

Problems become opportunities for learning with “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace” 

Opportunities to practice new problem-solving and conflict resolution techniques will arise. When something comes up, ask the children, “How would the Barnyard Buddies and Mrs. McCloud solve that?” Be sure you start by asking if anyone still needs to do Step S, STOP and breathe. If not, move into sharing feelings and so on.

The Story

In The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace, King (the horse) is a little oblivious! Some say he‘s like a person born into privilege who has no idea how much space he or she is occupying in the world. “Space” can be physical space, as in King’s example, or figurative “space” in the case of consuming more than one’s share of resources.

The other barnyard buddies suffer due to King’s behavior, perceived as selfishness. But, after all the animals reveal their feelings, and King tells them he’s lonely – compassion and empathy flow. After building that foundation, the buddies easily move toward problem-solving.

In step O, “Open your mind” brainstorming happens. The last step is, P, Plan a Deal. Finding a solution that works for all isn’t really an obstacle after empathy reminds conflict partners of the value of each member of their community.

It’s not solving the problem that’s difficult

When you open your mind, good ideas often abound – even around the most complicated problems. The challenge is finding the emotional space and willingness to listen with true empathy and compassion when parties talk about their feelings and needs (please read the last blog post for more on this) so a solution that works for everyone involved can be unearthed and implemented.

 

Tips for Brainstorming and learning to “Open your mind”

Here’s a simple creativity exercise to get you started. Pass a bracelet around the circle, or dinner table. The child holding it gets to say what it might be – there are no right or wrong answers! Role-model with, “This is a spaceship from outer-space that’s carrying many gifts to others.” Or, “This is one of the rings around Saturn (tie in with another lesson). . . This is my wedding ring. It reminds me how much I love my family.”

Whatever works for you is fine, as long as it’s a bit in-depth. The more involved the answers of the children, the more their imaginations are encouraged. Do the same thing with a pencil: “This is a rocket ship taking me into space,” etc.

Motions for children’s hands show how to “Open your mind”

Sign language is great to use for each step of the STOP Process. We will make a video soon showing each step with hand signs. Meanwhile, a fun way to show kids how to “Open your mind,” is to put a hand on top of your head and flip the fingers upward as if opening a door on top of your head. This makes it more fun as children enjoy making motions for all the steps of the process, plus it helps them internalize the skills as they gain muscle memories.

Keep an eye on the smarttools4life Youtube channel (join our mailing list to know when new videos are posted) to watch for our next video showing all the hand signs for the process. The teen mentors participating in the recent Chisago Lakes School District FFA Teen Mentor Program loved demonstrating them.

In the CD, I STOP for Peace, some of the words of “We’re Having a Brainstorm” are:

We each tell our feelings, what do we get?

I’m sad, lonely, hurt, mad, or something like that.

It really takes practice to speak from the heart.

I know you can do it! You’re so very smart.

 

After each feeling we have has been said,

We start getting lots of ideas in our heads.

This is brainstorming. It’s fun to do!

We use our brains and we use our hearts too.

 

Chorus: We’re having a brainstorm, not a rainstorm, (sounds of thunder and rain in the background)

It’s brainstorming today.

We’re having a brainstorm, not a rainstorm!

It’s brainstorming today.

 

Use a rainmaker to make brainstorming really fun!

If you have a rainmaker 

wooden rainmaker

Using a lovely wooden rainmaker with a soothing sound as you tip it up and down makes brainstorming a “rainstorming” fun time!

like this one, available on Amazon, you can really get the kids excited about the “Open your mind” step. Because we call it “brainstorming” we have a lovely auditory connection through the word used in the song, “We’re Having a Brainstorm.” Play the song from the CD, get out your rainmaker and make it extra fun!

Long, beautiful, wooden rainmakers sound just like rain. You can add a drum and have a real rainstorm for your brainstorming sessions. That makes these times really special. The plastic ones also on the Amazon page, I have not seen or heard. With a visual and auditory tool, children really look forward to problem-solving!

Adding lightning to the rainstorm when great arc-sparks come to us, can be another fun way to explore the Open your mind step. If you have some flint you can crack them together and get a small spark. That’s another visual, auditory, and hands-on learning tool for children participating in the wonderful activity of brainstorming.

The  “We’re Having a Brainstorm” song is $.99 to download now! 

If you really want to have fun with this work, add the whole CD or MP3, “I STOP for Peace,” by Julie Penshorn. The children’s dialogues and practice problem-solving are a lot of fun. They make the steps of the entire process very easy to remember. 

Plan a Deal – Worthy solutions should pass this test:

After determining which ideas are good for me, good for you, and good for the community, the suggestions can be reviewed and one is chosen as the first one to try. A consensus is important. When that can’t be achieved with one solution, ask the children if they can think of ways to combine or change ideas so all will be satisfied. Sometimes you have to back up to step O or step T at this point. 

I STOP for Peace includes open your mind and plan a deal

I STOP for Peace teaches the STOP process with short kids’ dialogues and music

Hand Motions and celebrating

When I teach this in the classroom, I like to say, “Plan a Deal, YAY!”  My hand motions are, shake my other hand (if alone – or shake the hand of a neighboring student), then flip my hands and shake them again, then raise my fist in the air and say “Yay!”

The celebration of successful, peaceful conflict resolution is an important part of generating enthusiasm for the process. Don’t make it “Oh, ho-hum, we solved a problem, that’s nice.” Make it a “Wow! You are terrific problem-solvers! Look at how you worked it out! Soon you can solve the big problems of the world, with your great thinking!”

Doesn’t the latter sentence above motivate you? Why not bring enthusiasm? Our lives may depend on it!

What we focus on expands

If you want a peaceful classroom where children are independently solving their problems, the classroom is a truly safe and caring community, and your job as a teacher is easier, spend the time necessary to create that classroom environment.

Spend the extra moments in a class meeting at the end of the day to discuss any unresolved issues and celebrate problem-solving successes — especially the independent ones. The book “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace” has many activities for you to make this learning process complete. You can get it here.

Our kids are our societies’ future leaders and must be problem-solvers 

Learning about others and celebrating diversity

Children in a classroom are gathered around a globe learning about others.

Given the chance to let their wonderful, liberated minds address a problem, children’s solutions will amaze. Unhampered by money, unfettered by “right and wrong,” children often exceed the ability of adults to solve problems.

As parents and teachers, we can lay the foundation for them to have a long history of problem-solving in a community. They can learn ways from you to find win-win solutions that will impact their fate and perhaps the fate of the entire planet. Your work together with children is SO important! Thank you for your contribution to society as you care for and guide your/our children!

To download the wonderful coloring page at the top of the article, simply go here, scroll down a little, and click on the coloring page. 

 

 

 

The Peacemaking owl shows how to stop and breathe in The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace

STOP and breathe! World Leaders Need the Same Tools as Children

 

 

“Stop and breathe” is a way to start at home, at school, and even internationally

As we watch with worry the escalating rhetoric between the United States and North Korea it’s easy to see that the two leaders involved are not working to gain the trust of each other and to de-escalate the conflict. They are refusing to become conflict “partners” committed to working out their disagreements in a way that preserves the dignity and safety of each nation. Neither Trump or Kim Jong Un demonstrate that they know how to stop and breathe. Instead, they are putting the two nations on a collision course.

We have all experienced the unhappy, frightening, or even dangerous situations resulting from conflicts where one, both, or all parties is clearly dangerous. If we reflect on those times, they usually are very similar: someone won’t STOP his or her actions, and therefore the possibility of physical harm increases. 

Even in early childhood classrooms, children learn that conflicts can’t be addressed til all are calm. In the new children’s book, “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace,” the Barnyard Buddies start with the letter S – which stands for “STOP and breathe,” and then go through a complete conflict resolution process using the letters S-T-O-P. This simple process, which works equally well for adults, starts with stopping

Every conflict resolution process has a slightly different twist. “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace” demonstrates an approach focusing on safety first. The first step is “S” for STOP and breathe. But it could be S for safety. When people stop and breathe, it derails violence and conflicts shift. This happens in the classroom, the home, the community and even between countries.

Prepare for conflict and practice the skills

Conflict is a part of life that we can plan for, like having a baby, getting a new job, or retiring from a job! It can be hard, and stressful. It also can be life-changing, even wonderful! But one thing is for sure, it’s so much easier to handle if we are prepared! We form our conflict resolution styles very early, some say as young as 18 months! Any changes we can make, in our own behaviors, and/or in specific skill development for children, can bring benefits to our shared future. In a classroom or home where peace is intentional, children practice learning to stop and breathe, and then they learn the rest of the conflict resolution skills. With practice, they develop a habit of using them. Finally, they will be able to access those wonderful tools, independently, for life.

A Story

STOP for Peace process

I STOP for Peace conflict resolution process

We were told this story by a woman who attended one of our family programs: “My husband and I were arguing in the kitchen after we each had put in a long day of work. Neither one of us were at our best, which led us to yelling at each other with our six-year-old son standing by. After turning around from putting something in the oven, I noticed neither one of them was there. Puzzled as to where they could be, I went looking. Lo and behold, I found them sitting at the low-lying breathing table, on the cushions, slowly breathing in and out. I was so moved, I sat down with them. We breathed and the tension eased. Eventually, we talked.”

Developing the skills to stop and breathe

Defining a space is one way to make the action of stopping to breathe very concrete for children. But even with nothing designated as a location, the practice can be internalized by repetition. The sentiments of this woman have been echoed over and over throughout our years of working on conflict resolution education. When people learn to stop and breathe — to just stop the tirade, the outburst, the angry or abusive word or action, the path to a better tomorrow can emerge.

Rushing to solve a conflict when emotions are hot, is a recipe for disaster!

Child kicking another child's work over

“Stop and breathe!”

The four steps in our conflict resolution process spell the word STOP. We chose this acronym because it is extremely important to emphasize this important key: if emotions are hot, before acting or trying to work anything out, just stop and breathe. That way the brain has time to reset from its fight and flight mode. During the fight and flight time the emotions are not in any kind of balance and people can get emotionally or even physically hurt. It takes several minutes for this reset to happen. So, after we experience our initial anger or other strong emotion, we need to stop, breathe, and wait to talk. This allows the higher cortex to take over from the limbic brain.

A Simple Way to Share the STOP Process

One benefit of children’s books, is that they also reach adults who may not otherwise explore these topics! When parents read to their children, they learn too. Teachers can click this link then download the FREE coloring page. This provides the entire STOP process outlined in the book. One benefit of this page is it can be instrumental in educating adults at home. Students can color it in the classroom and take it home, asking for it to be posted on the fridge so the easy process is right there whenever something comes up at home.

The process doesn’t end at step S, Stop and Breathe.

If working with children in a classroom or home, tell them, “We stop and breathe first, then we are going to work this out and everyone can talk who has something to share.”

Children at a peace table

After we stop and breathe we can sit at a peace table and work it out.

If you have a special location in the classroom or home for problem solving, that helps make working out a conflict a growing time and not a feared event. You may even want to have a small table designated “Peace Table.”

When you provide a place to “work it out” children become much more engaged in learning and practicing their conflict resolution skills. After a while, children are so good at this they can do it anywhere. We went into some detail on this in a book we wrote years ago called “Peacemaker’s A,B,Cs for Young Children: A guide for teaching conflict resolution with a peace table.” 

 

 

 

 

 

STOP and breathe. The Barnyard Buddies breathing

In the book, “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace,” the Buddies practice breathing.

Who is responsible?

By taking the responsibility to STOP ourselves, every time, instead of lashing out, hitting, screaming, saying hurtful things, we are taking a huge step FOR peace. We also are role modelling for children what we want them to do. When we guide them to stop and breathe, we create a generation of people who can support and sustain a culture of peace. We are demonstrating respect and care for ourselves and others. This is an essential place to start for all peacemaking efforts.

Choose a time when there is no pressing conflict to learn new skills for solving them.

When everyone is calm, in a classroom or a home, that’s the time to learn new skills – like how to breathe in and out, slowly and peacefully. This link will give you some ideas. Breathing helps us center ourselves, and provides a wonderful tool for children’s entire lives! Keep in mind the learning styles of the children. Encourage them to share what helps them calm themselves. Combine that with writing or drawing, and now you are creating the culture as the children become peace authors or artists! You could even do it at circle time by asking each child to introduce him or herself and say a way that they like to calm down. Posting these pictures can provide reminders if needed.

Stop and breathe with “The Barnyard Buddies!” 

I have heard many breathing and cooling off ideas from children, learned in their preschools and schools. It’s terrific that many have started working on this important skill!

What we contribute in the book, The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace and it’s companion music, I STOP for Peace, that we think is particularly special, is the way we tap into children’s emotions, not just their intellects. By incorporating skill-building into a children’s book with engaging, indeed, loveable characters with real emotions, kids begin to think, “What would the Barnyard Buddies do to solve this?” Or, “What would Mrs. McCloud (the peacemaking owl who serves as the Buddies’ coach) do?” That’s when we are getting to their hearts and not just their minds. At that point STOPPING becomes a tool for life and we have a chance to reduce domestic violence, and other forms of violence, as these kids grow up and self-identify as peacemakers with statements such as: “I STOP for Peace.”

Work FOR something. It feels better and you last longer!

We need to remember to spend our time working FOR something. That’s a great way to keep our energy up for a long journey. If we only think of being against the angry outbursts, for example, we will become exhausted. Instead, we can be for stopping and breathing or for peaceful conflict resolution where all are heard. It takes three times more energy to be against something than to reframe it and be for something else. 

We are gathering children’s stories

The Power of Story Gathering Conflict resolution stories from kids

The power of story telling — children as peace authors

We can prompt children’s journey into the world of sharing, caring, getting along and practicing peaceful conflict resolution by encouraging them to write, tell, or draw a way they stopped for peace! When we publish that story, children can celebrate becoming peace literate. Children who are for peace have begun to create a new world, one in which we all want to live! Sharing those stories with others, is a powerful, inspirational step for peace. Encourage children to share their work FOR peace in written stories, art, or even music. Here’s the link.

 

Our next book, “I Can See Peace,” (coming soon!) introduces the concept that peace is all around us, it just gets interrupted. It shows how children in any socioeconomic group, with any kind of family, with any level of mental or physical health, can still find peace, somehow, every day. Both books are wonderful support for mindfulness programs.

Next time, Step T — Tell how you feel!