Angry? How Conflict Transformation Can Help the Whole Family

 

Track from “I STOP for Peace”. Music and short children’s dialogues make learning fun and easy.

 

 

Conflict transformation in our families can be life-changing.

What do you do when you have a problem with a spouse or child? Most of us can’t claim great skills for working it out. Most of us never learned how. Kids are learning, however. Often it’s not until fourth grade, but most children get some education in conflict resolution at school. In this article, I’ll catch you up to what they are learning and give you four simple steps to use that will transform the conflicts in your home. These steps are appropriate for you, and even for your three-year-old.

In this ever-more complicated world, inter-personal conflicts and inter-familial conflicts may be what causes us the most anguish. Transforming our conflicts is a key to our happiness and is critical for our children’s futures. 

yelling father and sad son

What’s the difference between conflict resolution and conflict transformation?

Conflict transformation benefits from sharing deeply. For partners, it is important to talk about the underlying feelings of fear, hurt, sadness, loneliness, worry, or frustration, rather than trying to be right. It’s far more beneficial to demonstrate to spouse and onlooking kids that you care about each other than it is to show them you can win an argument.

The transformation of children’s conflicts requires the same things, with one more important component. A valid solution is not a top-down solution. Often conflict resolution is. For example, a resolution imposed by a more powerful country or individual (such as a teacher or parent) is now “resolved” but it’s not “transformed”. That may be why it usually reappears! Top-down solutions lack buy-in and often result in imperfect resolutions. Conflict transformation implies that people work to a solution that can actually help them move beyond the current anger and hostility to a much greater relationship having come to a deeper understanding. They are ready and able to move beyond where they started.

Tough times can be opportunities to partner with family.

Using our tough times as opportunities, we can find partners in family members. Of course, you don’t want to share every problem with young children. It may cause anxiety. However, they appreciate knowing, as an example, that you are sad or angry because you can’t go to work, and you love your job. They like to understand that whatever you are bothered by is not their fault. That is reassuring. So, some sharing invites more collaboration from members of your family. Even three-year-olds often have wonderful help to offer! “Dad, don’t worry! I can keep you company if you’re lonesome for your work friends.” Or, “Mom, I want to be your work partner today. Let’s plant the garden.” 

Missing interaction with peers can cause slower social skill development

Since kids who have missed interacting with their peers lately are missing valuable social and emotional learning, you get to home-school it. To build better relationships and skills for dealing with others in school, home, or the workplace, you can help them learn the valuable skills to transform conflicts from sentences of isolation to opportunities for connection. It takes practice. And, like baseball or tennis, the more kids practice, the better they will be as adults, and the more likely they will be to have work and social success.  The skills they learn help prepare them for more happiness and deeper relationships.

 

Pciture of boy asking others to stay at the new 6' social distance.

As children are isolated from others, including their grandparents, social skills can suffer.

You can reduce the impact of Covid-19 isolation on your kids.

To ward off the impact of Covid-19 on our kids, we need to innoculate them against the PTSD and trauma experts expect them to suffer. (This article by Sonali Kohli offers a comprehensive look at the mental health consequences of Covid-19 for California’s children–a microcosm of those in the entire country.) You have the best medicine! Guide them with conflict transformation skills, skills for seeing peace, and help them find purpose in serving others. For this blog, the focus is on skills for conflict transformation. It is a key ingredient in social skill education. According to Nadine Burke Harris, who cites a longitudinal study in her TED talk, health, happiness, and even ability to earn a living are at stake.

Learning versus teaching. . . 

Kids are not interested in being “taught”, but they are fully ready to “learn.” What hampers buy-in for kids is being told to do something. They want to discover it! They want to know, “What’s in it for me?” It’s definitely helpful if they see the benefit of learning to work out problems. Thus, experiencing you and your spouse or friend working out problems and celebrating your success is a great way for kids to learn. However, when they are working it out with someone, not you, and you interfere too much it will be YOUR solution and they won’t learn nearly as well.

The capable parent sometimes helps too much.

Well-meaning, capable parents (who remind me of me, so this hits me first-hand), sometimes don’t let kids do the struggling, the seeking, the challenging work of finding peace themselves. Instead, they are coaching and solving all the time. It’s hard! Try to see not helping as part of the educational journey for all. As your child develops independence with the skills, you will be impressed!

Use a story to do the teaching.

The cover of The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace book

The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace children’s book illustrates and inspires conflict transformation as it teaches through story.

There is research about the benefits of storytelling as a tool for teaching. Do a Google search and you’ll see more than enough to convince you! Here is a lovely article on the topic.  Using stories, parents don’t even have to “teach.” by taking yourself out of the equation, you reduce the likelihood of a power struggle preventing learning (“Mom wants me to do this, so I will say ‘No.'”).

Start with a good story about stopping!

Because I felt so strongly about the need for a story to empower young children to solve their problems, I wrote the children’s book, “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace.” If you like, read the reviews to see how other parents and teachers have been using this book, and why. Since I am a singer and songwriter, I added a musical component. The “I STOP for Peace” CD or electronic music offers a real-life story with young kids singing and telling it.

The “STOP for Peace” process offers conflict transformation for all ages.

Boys fighting over toys need conflict resolution skills

Conflicts over scarce resources can be transformed at the peace table.

Establish your own special place for working out problems–maybe a peace table!

“Since children are concrete learners, they appreciate having a specific place designated for problem-solving or conflict resolution. The peace table is in that space, which becomes a respected and appreciated area representing empowerment, not punishment.” (Janke, Penshorn, 1995, page 40. From our 1995 book, “Peacemaker’s A, B, Cs for Young Children: A Guide for Teaching Conflict Resolution With a Peace Table”  by Rebecca Janke, M.Ed. and Julie Penshorn which is out-of-print, but a few copies are available by emailing [email protected].).

 

 

Children at a peace table

After we stop and breathe we can sit at a peace table and work it out.

Decorate your peace table

It’s helpful to place the peace table in a space where the steps for conflict resolution can also be posted. You can use the coloring page on the home page of this site or order a full-color version in our store. Children often enjoy decorating their peace table.  There are more ideas on Pinterest. Of course, if you’re not at home you can just use whatever is handy (such as a rock, a talking piece, an upturned bucket) as a peace table. You are just looking for an energetic focal point.

A peace table in your home reduces whining, tattling, and bullying, and increases kids’ power to succeed in life. It gives them the confidence to try even more peacemaking, and wage peace in more ways.

Parents and teachers can dampen children’s enthusiasm.

Compare these requests: 1). “Sam, you and Jamal go to the peace table and work this out.” or 2). “Sam, you and Jamal will have time to go to the peace table after lunch. Do you think you will be cooled off by then?” The second feels quite different but uses almost the same words. Teaching is a bit like filling a helium balloon. You fill it with love, fill it with stories, fill it with role modeling, and then, ultimately, you can just let it go and it will fly!

Adults and children can both use the peace table but don’t interfere with the children unless the conflict involves you.

Steps for the STOP for Peace process

Step 1: Stop and breathe.

Start by stopping to breathe and calm down. Here’s a song to help guide young children. The CD or E-music is available here.

It may take some time to cool off. It’s going to take a least 20 minutes for the chemicals in the brain to settle down, so don’t rush the process. Tell your conflict partner you need time to cool off and then demonstrate deep breathing for him or her. Especially if it’s a child. Your demonstration does a great deal to aid the learning process.

 

 

 

Conflict transformation can begin by getting back to personal peace with breathing.

Conflict transformation can begin by getting back to personal peace with breathing.

Step 2: Tell how you feel.

Use an I-message when you are ready to work it out.  See this blog for an extensive look at this step and how it relates to developing empathy in kids. This step is the essence of the work. Once you care enough to learn how each other feels your compassion is inspired and you have done most of the hard work.

Guard against making the other person responsible for your feelings. You have your feelings. They are yours. no one “made” you have that feeling. That’s why the format of the I-message tries to avoid using the word “you”. It’s not, “You make me sad because you are ignoring me.” It works much better to use something like, “I feel sad when I am left alone to work on my schoolwork alone for too long.” Active listening includes repeating what your conflict partner has said, so you are sure you fully understand and they are honored by your deep listening and respect of their feelings. 

Step 3: Open your mind.

This is the brainstorming phase. If your children don’t write yet, they can still be independent at the peace table process. They can draw a picture of their ideas or ask you for help writing down their ideas. When brainstorming, don’t evaluate. Don’t censor. Just write down every idea, even if it seems to be a crazy thing. Then, in the next step, you will edit, combine, or eliminate ideas that don’t fit the criteria.

Step 4: Plan a deal.

Any good solution has to be good for me, good for you, and good for the community (from “Peacemaker’s A, B, Cs for Young Children: A Guide for Teaching Conflict Resolution with a Peace Table”). Applying this standard helps make sure the solution is workable and sustainable. Be sure to celebrate your success in making a plan! After reaching a resolution, it’s great to celebrate overtly, like by having a “problem-solving-pizza-party,” or a “solution-special-snowshoe-trip,” or a “transformation-time-TV-show”. If your solution doesn’t work out, go back to step O, Open your mind. Brainstorm some more ideas, choose one, and try again!

Peace education is a comprehensive approach to children’s mental health.

It gives children something to be “for” rather than spending all their energies focusing on all the challenges they face. It fits under the umbrella of SEL (social and emotional learning) beautifully but goes beyond. Instead of just seeking skills for getting along, it positions kids to build a purposeful future. Seeking personal and interpersonal peace, doing kind and compassionate acts, being generous, and taking creative, positive actions all contribute to this way of life. Show your enthusiasm for children’s efforts to be peacemakers!

Effective negotiating techniques can help children reduce school violence

Effective negotiating often isn’t modeled by government

Effective negotiating. I remember my teachers using our U.S. Congress to show me how it was done. However, right now effective negotiating and dialogue seem to be a thing of the past, and many wonder, “What happened to civility? What happened to basic decency and social skills? How we are ever going to get back to bipartisan debate? Or intelligent and truthful conversations in our lawmaking bodies?”

Teens model effective negotiating and learning to be civil

While we are hoping that our “leaders” can take steps toward higher ground, we can be hopeful. People like Brooke Deterline—a cofounder of the Courageous Leadership consulting firm, are working to guide kids to find the skills for civility in conversations, particularly with those who don’t share their point-of-view. These kids are likely to grow up having the skills to move beyond partisan bickering and toward problem-solving.

An inspirational article about work with kids

You’ll find an inspirational article from The Greater Good Magazine: Here’s the link directly to the article: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/these_kids_are_learning_how_to_have_bipartisan_conversations. To summarize: Deterline gets a group of teenagers together and educates them in courageous leadership! She says, “What often shuts down conversations across the political aisle, . . .  is when our brains go into what she calls ‘the red zone.’ . . .When we’re stressed, our natural compassion is cut off. . . .We don’t want to have compassion for the lion if we’re actually in a life-or-death situation. Our bodies are getting ready to fight or flee, sometimes freeze. It happens in less than a second.”

Working with Teens is Great

I have often marvelled at the wonderful work being done by people working with teens. And, yet, even with teens, we are doing remediation. We are fixing an already existing challenge.  We need to start in the womb and continue with every day of a child’s life to provide a safe and welcoming environment for kids that allows them to think clearly and without fear clouding their responses.

Every day of a child’s life has a lasting impact

The incredible impact of early experiences on young children is why we are so concerned about US policies on the US/Mexico border. Whether it’s separation of families or just extensive stays for youngsters, none of it is okay for their development!

Children from birth to age 9 are sponges. When we provide a fear-filled environment, we create trauma that often causes lifelong consequences. When we provide safety, security, love, and decency, we provide tools for them to learn the very skills that these teens are learning — at an early enough age that these skills become their new normal. If we can also offer cultural tools like books and music to support their negotiating skills we are smart! Then we are enhancing their Smart Tools for Life.

Reducing School Violence and Increasing Social Skills for Young Kids

A brief overview of why Smart Tools for Life are so important!

Posted by Smart Tools for Life on Tuesday, December 18, 2018

 

The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace has a teen mentor component to it, so teens can bring the younger kid these skills.

Our Payhip store can be posted on your website. Your friends, co-workers, business associates, and family can find these materials and you can even make 40% of their purchase price. Do good while making money. Gotta like that! 

 

 

Children’s Book Awards from Indie Human Relations Committee

 

“The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace” has music that partners with it!

Julie Penshorn singing to kids

children’s book award winner has companion music: I STOP for Peace

Peaceful conflict resolution is a critical skill in this world. This particular book is well loved by the children who have it and has excellent Amazon reviews. The music helps children internalize the skills and they get to hear other children doing the steps for conflict resolution so their own work becomes more important. Check it out here. (The music is below the books on that Amazon link.)

Many Children’s Book Awards for these books

Children’s book awards from the 2018 Indie Human Relations Award committee went to both “I Can See Peace,” and “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace.” The Director’s Choice children’s book awards celebrate books in a variety of categories. 

 

 

I Can See Peace wins award

Children’s book awards for “I Can See Peace” include Peace Book of the Year.

The Big Award was for the Peace Book of the Year!

“I Can See Peace” released on September 21, International Day of Peace, in St. Paul, MN (video shows excerpts from that event), was awarded the Indie Human Relations Peace Book of the Year Director’s Choice Award. This award was not just a children’s book award. It was awarded over all submitted books!

“The outstanding children’s book, ‘I Can See Peace’, published by Growing Communities for Peace: Smart Tools for Life was recently selected as the 2018 Human Relations Peace Book of the Year by the Human Relations Indie Book Awards. It was judged against the entries in all categories, not just children’s books. The focus of the Human Relations Indie Book Awards is to recognize outstanding indie authors who write on human relations topics,” stated Susan Peterson, the organization’s representative.

The illustrations, by California illustrator, Jeanine-Jonee Keith, depict multicultural children seeking peace, even when they are struggling with conflict, illness, family arguments, and disability.

Why these books matter

“Peace is always around us,” said Penshorn. “The challenge is that peace is not the only thing that’s around us. In this book, children and families discover that by focusing attention on nature, and the wonderful and peaceful things in their lives, they are building the muscles to see and experience more peace. This is helpful for the mental health of anyone. By starting with young children this approach to life becomes a habit. Today our world provides substantial stress for children and families. These books give families the tools to communicate about important topics supporting mental health and conflict resolution so the entire family can improve its skills.

Childhood trauma affects all children

“Childhood trauma can have lifelong negative impacts, and all children suffer at some point in their lives from a trauma, no matter how much we try to protect them. Some suffer greatly. Our nonprofit, Growing Communities for Peace, created the Smart Tools for Life project to provide memorable and engaging children’s stories. Learning about peace and nonviolence can be a normal activity for families and schools and can be fun and impactful. Since whoever tells the stories creates the culture, our organization seeks to build a culture of peace beginning with children’s stories. We include music because it helps the skills sink into the hearts and minds of children for life,” commented Rebecca Janke, M.Ed., Montessori teacher trainer, and GCFP board member.

Penshorn added, “We spend a lot of time discussing the best ways to protect our children from gun violence in their schools, or strangers on our streets. As important as these discussions are, raising peaceful, compassionate kids is the best way to protect future generations!”

Share information with your friends about these children’s book awards  

You can bring these books to more people!  Write a review, tell us how your kids, grandkids and students like these books, and share links to this blog and our facebook page. Be sure to “like”the Facebook page.

The book release event was in conjunction with Twin Cities Nonviolent and its Ten Days Free From Violence Campaign. Find out more at www.twincitiesnonviolent.org. #ICanWagePeace.

For information about these events, author visits to your classroom, or accessing these books for your classroom or home contact [email protected]. The books and music are available on Amazon

Some New Reviews from Online Book Club for “I Can See Peace”

“What an amazing book geared for children to learn how to calm situations and tells them they have the power to create peace. I liked the drawings and the multicultural aspect of this book.” Online Book reviewer

“Children are the future, and the only way to insure lasting peace is for the children to see it as the only option that makes sense. The cover and title are bright and would appeal to children of all ages. I liked that the synopsis showed that the readers are taught ‘mindful breathing and intentional seeking to learn to deal with their strong emotions and find their way back to peace.’ Peace in the world begins with peace within.” Tiny Turtle

“The pictures are calming e.g. the horses at rest. I like that the pictures show diversity of race. The questions at the end are useful for teachers or parents. I like, in particular, how the book covers peace in all its forms e.g. being sick in hospital. I also like the inclusion of a song at the end.” Laura Bach

Reviews for The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace from Online Book Club

Read a few of many by clicking these links.

https://forums.onlinebookclub.org/viewtopic.php?f=114&t=86583

https://forums.onlinebookclub.org/viewtopic.php?f=114&t=64510

https://forums.onlinebookclub.org/viewtopic.php?f=114&t=63645

 

 

STOP for Peace coloring page

STOP for Peace! Steps O-Open your Mind and P-Plan a Deal and take action!

Open Your Mind,

Plan a Deal and then take action

The third step in the conflict resolution process from the children’s book, The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace is Step O, Open your mind. This step comes after children share their feelings. At this point, opportunities and ideas readily arise. Plan a deal is what you do with all those ideas. Put a big smile on your face like the youngsters pictured, is what you do when you choose something that works for all! Become a Compassionate Rebel working for gun control is what you do if you are a high school student at Marjory Stoneman Douglas, the site of the recent, heartbreaking, school shooting!

kids shaking hands

Kids can do the steps Open your mind and Plan a Deal!
Copyright: wavebreakmediamicro / 123RF Stock Photo

A crisis, like a school shooting at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High, reminds us we need children who are independent thinkers!

Crisis can lead us forward. The activism of the students in Florida reminds me of the 1960s when student activists led us to so much positive change for peace. These students’ courage, even in the face of death threats is remarkable and moving. And, when I was in the first-grade classroom last week, helping FFA teens present my book to the little ones, there was a flood of thoughts in my brain as I envisioned the beautiful, innocent six-year-olds blasted with an assault weapon.

Two things mainly came to my mind:

1) how terrifying to think of anyone hurting these children, and

2) how important it is that these children have the skills they need to make this world a more peaceful place!

Peace literacy is not an optional activity anymore

Isn’t it time we got serious about what is at stake in our country, our world? This the fragile planet of our ancestors which the Native Americans remind us to care for thinking ahead seven generations. These are the fragile children that we are charged to protect. As you continue reading this blog, I hope you see that peace literacy, including understanding and ability to use peaceful conflict resolution, is a key ingredient for their future on their planet. 

Developing peace literacy includes having an open mind and skills to express yourself

As the students of Marjory Stoneman Douglas talked and cried together after the shooting, their tears showed many emotions, including anger and fear. Strong emotions like these lead people to seek ideas for a better tomorrow. They became Compassionate Rebels as their young, active minds quickly recognized that there was no antidote to their pain and suffering. The status quo wasn’t working, and they wanted change. They couldn’t go back in time and stop the shooting that killed 17 people they knew and loved, but they might be able to save someone else from their plight. They became proactive peacemakers as they took the stance together of “never again.” 

Let’s solve this – “this is not difficult”

Nicole Hockley of Sandy Hook Promise, who lost her 6-year-old son in the Sandy Hook shooting five years ago, spoke recently (at a “listening session” at the White House, February 21, 2018) on the topic of school shootings. She pointed out that there are many doable steps to solving the problems around school shootings, and listed several. I expect they were the result of many brainstorming session with her group as they did the step we call O, “open your mind,” in the STOP Process. They included “more funding for mental health. . . [passing] the Stop School Violence Act,” and improving school safety and security.

The part of her presentation that was so powerful was when she said  “this is not difficult. These deaths are preventable. . .” I think what she means is: these are pretty easy things to get agreement on. They aren’t weapons bans. We just need to Plan a deal that includes such solutions and  reflects that we are caring for others.”

Even when problems seem insurmountable, change can happen!

After sharing our feelings, people are moved. Problems often resolve easily. Many of us certainly have been crying along with the articulate and emotional Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School students as they speak. However, whether politicians can listen and implement change with true empathy and compassion varies, because the additional factor of money, (for re-election, and keeping one’s job) is such a significant one in political decisions. Money is a relevant consideration for us too, as parents, citizens, and leaders.

But this is really not difficult! There are so many ideas that pass the criteria of Step P – Plan a deal: They are good for me, good for you, and good for the community. You could even add, good for the seventh generation.

Our New Future

Our Shared New Future

If self-interest prevents some from making decisions that are good for others and our shared future, non-violent strategies can still effect change. Voting, for example, can make a huge difference! Putting pressure on people’s financial interests is another method. The activism of the students and several corporations to stop favoring NRA members is a terrific example.

Working directly with young children, where we are not hampered by that additional consideration, is a great joy! We can certainly say, as Nicole Hockley did, “This is not difficult!” The children are capable of solving very complicated problems.

Introducing Brainstorming is Introducing Imagining and Creativity

In a classroom or home, the “Open your mind” step offers teachers and parents an opportunity to introduce the idea of “brainstorming” to young children. This is a wonderful word since it can be so much fun! There are countless creativity exercises and brainstorming activities to help children get the idea that brainstorming is not about right and wrong, but about playing with ideas. Then they can really open their minds and become powerful peacemakers.

Step O, Open your mind is about brainstorming! Seem too complicated for your three-year-old? Keep reading! The companion music CD, I STOP for Peace makes it so easy! It has a song for Step O, Open your mind. It’s called We’re Having a Brainstorm. It connects brainstorming and rainstorming in a fun way that you can do at home or at school (see tips below). The other songs and children’s dialogues on the full CD support each step in the conflict resolution process and kids dialogues demonstrate each of the steps.

Not right or wrong, just different

When we have a conflict with any person we often find that it’s not about right versus wrong, but rather about “different.” We simply have different ideas about something. The other person isn’t “bad” and we aren’t perfect! Only after feelings have been shared in step T, Tell how you feel, do we begin to recognize that we start from common ground. Through the empathy and compassion we build in step T, we recognize that the other person is a frail human-being too! What if some of the people looking to buy assault weapons had a friend to talk to?

Problem-solving, even between adults and children, is not really about right and wrong. It’s about finding a solution that honors everyone and respects differences. That’s why Step O, “Open your mind,” works best with a large dose of empathy and compassion in the room! Without them, right and wrong have to be drilled into a child, often with very mixed results!

Children are very good at opening their hearts and minds to all sorts of possibilities and diverse opinions. Thus, “teaching” them about right and wrong is largely unnecessary. With the help of a few simple guidelines, they begin to make healthy choices on their own. 

“Somewhere beyond right and wrong, there is a garden. I will meet you there.” Jalaluddin Mevlana Rumi – ولوی

Developing classroom community

Developing classroom community

 

How do we role model ways to respectfully interact with others?

Children learn from our actions. Role modeling for right and wrong is witnessed. It is important. Sometimes we may forget how we role model. For example, Do we STOP and breathe when we are angry with a child. . . ask the children how they feel (step T) tell them how we feel (step T) blame them for our feelings? Do we honor and respect their ideas (step O) and involve them in (step P) planning solutions?

Sooner or later, whether we like it or not, our children grow into teens and adults! The type of foundation we helped them build for problem-solving intelligently and peacefully determines whether they spend their years rebelling or lend a positive influence to our shared future.

Consider this: In math class, children are asked to show their work. The teacher wants to know how they are thinking it through. Ask yourself, “Do I want my kid to be able to think things through? Be an independent problem-solver? Be articulate like students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High?

When the problem becomes an opportunity for joining

The other day I was at a political caucus and even among people who were like-minded politically, heated conflict developed over how details of energy policy should read in a  resolution which we were drafting. It surprised and concerned me that the hackles quickly rose! Pleased that I could enhance the conversation with a focus on areas of agreement and commonality, I shared my worry that we were bogging down and not focusing on our shared larger goals. That was the opportunity for joining in this conflict.

Many years of peacemaking and peaceful conflict resolution experience prompted me to use my peacemaking skills and not get caught up in minutia. Like anything else, these skills require practice.

We must start with young children

Skills for peaceful conflict resolution become a habit only when practiced over time. Starting young gives children years to practice! They learn to respect other points-of-view and find solutions that truly work for all involved when they learn the STOP for Peace Process.

Blowing up the lab

A point-of-view that emphases “right or wrong” suppresses possibility. It creates perfectionism and fear to try something new and make mistakes. Years ago I had a boyfriend who was a scientist. He worked at a major corporation in Minnesota where experimentation was vital to company growth, renewal, and profitmaking. He once told me he blew a wall out of his lab and the company didn’t even slap his hand. I was amazed, “Why not?” I queried.

“Because they like me to make mistakes! That’s where learning, and ultimately the success, comes from.” was his reply. 

Tips for brainstorming sessions “Open your mind” 

When we work with young children it’s all too easy to discount their opinions and ideas! Though we may not even understand some of their apparently nonsensical comments, we need to try to follow them enough to honor them and write something down! Often we do have a better idea than they do. It would be faster if we just solved that problem ourselves! Especially since we are always overworked and in a hurry!

But how can young children practice and make mistakes when we constantly give them our answers? They need space for their voices and ideas to be heard. If we don’t allow them to experiment, they won’t learn the limits naturally and they will end up suffering from their poor decisions. And we won’t get a chance to see how they are thinking things through and using the “open your mind” step.

Solving problems in classrooms or homes must be safe for kids so they can learn and experiment. Those places are wonderful as children’s life-laboratories!  

One RULE for “Plan a deal”: Any good choice from the Open your mind step must be good for me, good for you (the other party), and good for the community.

When generating ideas with children, don’t edit. Try to gently guide without giving too many suggestions. Occasionally remind children that there are rules that must be considered when they are ready to choose an idea and “Plan a deal.”

In our work over the years at Growing Communities for Peace, we usually write down each child’s brainstormed idea. Then as a second step, we go through with the child/ren and review each idea asking: Is it good for me, good for you, and good for the community? If yes, we leave that idea on the sheet of paper or the board. in the final analysis, everyone’s point-of-view is honored and validated if it meets the simple, comprehensive rule. 

The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace cover

The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace conflict resolution and anger management for kids

Problems become opportunities for learning with “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace” 

Opportunities to practice new problem-solving and conflict resolution techniques will arise. When something comes up, ask the children, “How would the Barnyard Buddies and Mrs. McCloud solve that?” Be sure you start by asking if anyone still needs to do Step S, STOP and breathe. If not, move into sharing feelings and so on.

The Story

In The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace, King (the horse) is a little oblivious! Some say he‘s like a person born into privilege who has no idea how much space he or she is occupying in the world. “Space” can be physical space, as in King’s example, or figurative “space” in the case of consuming more than one’s share of resources.

The other barnyard buddies suffer due to King’s behavior, perceived as selfishness. But, after all the animals reveal their feelings, and King tells them he’s lonely – compassion and empathy flow. After building that foundation, the buddies easily move toward problem-solving.

In step O, “Open your mind” brainstorming happens. The last step is, P, Plan a Deal. Finding a solution that works for all isn’t really an obstacle after empathy reminds conflict partners of the value of each member of their community.

It’s not solving the problem that’s difficult

When you open your mind, good ideas often abound – even around the most complicated problems. The challenge is finding the emotional space and willingness to listen with true empathy and compassion when parties talk about their feelings and needs (please read the last blog post for more on this) so a solution that works for everyone involved can be unearthed and implemented.

 

Tips for Brainstorming and learning to “Open your mind”

Here’s a simple creativity exercise to get you started. Pass a bracelet around the circle, or dinner table. The child holding it gets to say what it might be – there are no right or wrong answers! Role-model with, “This is a spaceship from outer-space that’s carrying many gifts to others.” Or, “This is one of the rings around Saturn (tie in with another lesson). . . This is my wedding ring. It reminds me how much I love my family.”

Whatever works for you is fine, as long as it’s a bit in-depth. The more involved the answers of the children, the more their imaginations are encouraged. Do the same thing with a pencil: “This is a rocket ship taking me into space,” etc.

Motions for children’s hands show how to “Open your mind”

Sign language is great to use for each step of the STOP Process. We will make a video soon showing each step with hand signs. Meanwhile, a fun way to show kids how to “Open your mind,” is to put a hand on top of your head and flip the fingers upward as if opening a door on top of your head. This makes it more fun as children enjoy making motions for all the steps of the process, plus it helps them internalize the skills as they gain muscle memories.

Keep an eye on the smarttools4life Youtube channel (join our mailing list to know when new videos are posted) to watch for our next video showing all the hand signs for the process. The teen mentors participating in the recent Chisago Lakes School District FFA Teen Mentor Program loved demonstrating them.

In the CD, I STOP for Peace, some of the words of “We’re Having a Brainstorm” are:

We each tell our feelings, what do we get?

I’m sad, lonely, hurt, mad, or something like that.

It really takes practice to speak from the heart.

I know you can do it! You’re so very smart.

 

After each feeling we have has been said,

We start getting lots of ideas in our heads.

This is brainstorming. It’s fun to do!

We use our brains and we use our hearts too.

 

Chorus: We’re having a brainstorm, not a rainstorm, (sounds of thunder and rain in the background)

It’s brainstorming today.

We’re having a brainstorm, not a rainstorm!

It’s brainstorming today.

 

Use a rainmaker to make brainstorming really fun!

If you have a rainmaker 

wooden rainmaker

Using a lovely wooden rainmaker with a soothing sound as you tip it up and down makes brainstorming a “rainstorming” fun time!

like this one, available on Amazon, you can really get the kids excited about the “Open your mind” step. Because we call it “brainstorming” we have a lovely auditory connection through the word used in the song, “We’re Having a Brainstorm.” Play the song from the CD, get out your rainmaker and make it extra fun!

Long, beautiful, wooden rainmakers sound just like rain. You can add a drum and have a real rainstorm for your brainstorming sessions. That makes these times really special. The plastic ones also on the Amazon page, I have not seen or heard. With a visual and auditory tool, children really look forward to problem-solving!

Adding lightning to the rainstorm when great arc-sparks come to us, can be another fun way to explore the Open your mind step. If you have some flint you can crack them together and get a small spark. That’s another visual, auditory, and hands-on learning tool for children participating in the wonderful activity of brainstorming.

The  “We’re Having a Brainstorm” song is $.99 to download now! 

If you really want to have fun with this work, add the whole CD or MP3, “I STOP for Peace,” by Julie Penshorn. The children’s dialogues and practice problem-solving are a lot of fun. They make the steps of the entire process very easy to remember. 

Plan a Deal – Worthy solutions should pass this test:

After determining which ideas are good for me, good for you, and good for the community, the suggestions can be reviewed and one is chosen as the first one to try. A consensus is important. When that can’t be achieved with one solution, ask the children if they can think of ways to combine or change ideas so all will be satisfied. Sometimes you have to back up to step O or step T at this point. 

I STOP for Peace includes open your mind and plan a deal

I STOP for Peace teaches the STOP process with short kids’ dialogues and music

Hand Motions and celebrating

When I teach this in the classroom, I like to say, “Plan a Deal, YAY!”  My hand motions are, shake my other hand (if alone – or shake the hand of a neighboring student), then flip my hands and shake them again, then raise my fist in the air and say “Yay!”

The celebration of successful, peaceful conflict resolution is an important part of generating enthusiasm for the process. Don’t make it “Oh, ho-hum, we solved a problem, that’s nice.” Make it a “Wow! You are terrific problem-solvers! Look at how you worked it out! Soon you can solve the big problems of the world, with your great thinking!”

Doesn’t the latter sentence above motivate you? Why not bring enthusiasm? Our lives may depend on it!

What we focus on expands

If you want a peaceful classroom where children are independently solving their problems, the classroom is a truly safe and caring community, and your job as a teacher is easier, spend the time necessary to create that classroom environment.

Spend the extra moments in a class meeting at the end of the day to discuss any unresolved issues and celebrate problem-solving successes — especially the independent ones. The book “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace” has many activities for you to make this learning process complete. You can get it here.

Our kids are our societies’ future leaders and must be problem-solvers 

Learning about others and celebrating diversity

Children in a classroom are gathered around a globe learning about others.

Given the chance to let their wonderful, liberated minds address a problem, children’s solutions will amaze. Unhampered by money, unfettered by “right and wrong,” children often exceed the ability of adults to solve problems.

As parents and teachers, we can lay the foundation for them to have a long history of problem-solving in a community. They can learn ways from you to find win-win solutions that will impact their fate and perhaps the fate of the entire planet. Your work together with children is SO important! Thank you for your contribution to society as you care for and guide your/our children!

To download the wonderful coloring page at the top of the article, simply go here, scroll down a little, and click on the coloring page. 

 

 

 

Is anyone listening to me?

Listening Leads to Compassion and Empathy: Start With Young Children

 Listening is a key to understanding others. It is important for respectful interactions and even success in life. Listening helps us interpret the emotions of others and understand our own, opens doors in problem-solving and conflict resolution, and even helps us in business! As we become more skilled, we can reduce conflicts because we are more intuitive. When compassion and empathy increase, we become more perceptive partners, co-workers, friends and community members, capable of creating peace.

The Problem

The lack of empathy for the “other,” often exacerbated by power posturing and political opportunism, prevents the highly creative solutions found with “radical empathy,” from emerging. Instead, we stick with the same old stubborn behaviors chosen mostly out of habits founded in our own ignorance, hatred, and/or bigotry.

The Solution

Years ago Burt Berlowe, Rebecca Janke, and I wrote The Compassionate Rebel to name, identify and celebrate those whose anger and rebelliousness was rooted in empathy and compassion. These rebels forged highly creative solutions to challenging conditions and/or situations. As we celebrate one of our favorite compassionate rebels, Martin Luther King Junior, it’s a good time to remember that empathy and compassion, woven into the fabric of conflict resolution, have much more power — and lead to more lasting solutions — than bigotry and hatred. Based on mutual respect, deep listening and understanding reveal paths to radically transformed conflicts.

We must start with the children!

The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America’s Great Migration by Isabel Wilkerson is a powerful, empathy-building book. Recently interviewed on Krista Tippets’ OnBeing program, she reminds us that we can change the heart of the world “one heart at a time.” She asked a question that made my heart ache, “When a police officer shoots someone and that person is down, why don’t they show empathy? Why don’t they take that person’s hand?” Choked up, I continued to listen as she added, “We all have so much more in common than we have been led to believe.” 

Resist Divisiveness

Divisiveness is a construct, based on fear. It’s a contagious disease in our world today. Celebrating our common humanness, through building our skills for compassion and empathy, shows children the way to take the “other’s” hand, to connect in a way that traverses barriers and walls in our hearts and in our neighborhoods. I want tomorrow’s leaders to have those skills.

Below are some “smart tools” for children’s education, as we continue through the steps of conflict resolution in The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace children’s book.

The second step of the STOP for Peace conflict resolution process is T-Tell how you feel. A previous blog showed the first step: S-Stop and breathe

 

Is anyone listening to me? Child crying

Is anyone listening to me?

 

Let’s start with a story about kids:

A young boy approached the preschool teacher, while she helped another child get her coat on to go home, and impatiently tugged at her sleeve, “Teacher, Mrs. Sperling!”

“Kevin, remember we practiced how to interrupt me?” Mrs. Sperling handled the impatient youngster masterfully, “You touch my sleeve and then I will smile at you and you’ll know I’m going to help you as soon as I can.”

“But Mrs. Sperling, Alan took all the blocks and I can’t make anything!” persisted the child.

“Kevin, remember what we practiced. I’m looking at you. I see you. Please wait politely.”

Kevin listened! And he did!

Finally, the stubborn zipper she had been wrestling with was tamed, and the teacher turned her attention to the child.

“OK Kevin, I listened, and I hear you have a problem. What more did you want to say?”

“I told you,” was Kevin’s petulant reply.

Peacemaking Skills are Practiced With Children

“We’ve been practicing being peacemakers, remember? What is the first step when you have a problem – do you remember learning it from Mrs. McCloud in The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace?” asked Mrs. Sperling.

“Yes, STOP and breathe,” he managed. “But I did that and I still don’t have the blocks!”

“What’s the next step, Kevin? Remember we practiced with the I message cubes?”

“Tell how you feel,” came the hesitant answer. “But Alan won’t listen to my feelings.”

“How do you know that?” asked Mrs. Sperling.

“Because he’s selfish.”

“Maybe he is, or maybe he just needs to hear your feelings or your needs. I’ll watch you try using your peacemaking skills with Alan.”

Using an I-Message Builds Empathy Through Learning Deep Listening  

“Alan,” said Kevin, “I feel angry when I don’t have any blocks anymore because I was building something.”

“I know you were angry,” said Alan. “I was going to help you build the airport — with you — but you just walked away!”

“Oh, you wanted to play WITH ME? Oh, okay. Well, pass some blocks over here!”

The two started working together and that was that. Mrs. Sperling didn’t have to intervene.

The Basic Training for Young Peacemakers Can Only Take Place In the Right Circumstances

When the classroom is peaceful and there is no pressing conflict, children and teachers learn and practice the individual skills for conflict resolution. Then it’s much easier to have a rational conversation when a conflict actually occurs. Eventually, the adult isn’t needed at all. Children are perfectly capable of working out their problems independently. Especially when supported by teachers and parents. “Sure, you and Kevin can go over to the peace table to work on your problem. . .” (More on that in the next blog.)

Peacemakers-In-training Need Practice to Develop Independence

In this classroom, the children were “peacemakers-in-training.” The determined teacher had laid the foundation. She was persistent at reminding the children that they learn, and then become experts at, working out their problems on their own. This approach created a classroom community where it was safe to express feelings and empathy. In this environment, conflicts still happened, but all understood the expectations of peaceful resolution.

Conflict Resolution Demands Tenacity

Kevin and Alan’s conflict, like so many, depended on leadership — and some of the other skills that make a great teacher great — like tenacity and charisma. If the teacher solved it for the child, nothing could change. But she spent time laying the groundwork for that exchange! If Kevin walked away without persisting, he would have missed an opportunity for joining in play with Alan. Further, nothing would be learned or resolved. In this case, listening resulted in a close relationship, which is an ideal result.

How We Listen, Show Respect, and Demonstrate Empathy, Determines A Lot About Our Culture

We all want classrooms and homes with less tattling, whining, and bullying. But we also want more. We want to feel we are a vital part of something bigger than ourselves and know that we belong. There is a great feeling of safety provided in a community focused on peace. It provides a structure where our uniqueness and contributions can be fully heard and appreciated.

“Whether children build a world of peace or a world of hatred is as much a result of the choices we as adults make as of the choices they make. Children will build a world using the tools and materials we provide them with, so let us choose to share with them the ways of peace.” Dr. Wangari Maath.

Develop the Classroom Community Intentionally

Developing classroom community

Developing classroom community

There is too much at stake not to take the time necessary to develop community in our families and classrooms. Where peaceful conflict resolution is the norm, power-play behavior that is rooted in disrespect and manipulation is not.

The Listener Gets Ahead!

Today, the “peace literate” person with the most highly developed social skills, especially skills for empathetic listening (which leads to intuitive understanding), is the one who is going to be successful at leading, influencing, serving and getting along with others. That person recognizes that NOW is the time to seek solutions that are good for me, good for others and good for the planet. There is no other way for us to thrive; there is no other way to teach our children!

The Exhausted Parent Story

I watched a conflict between two young girls riding behind an exhausted parent driving down a snowy road.  But that parent, with dance practice, dinner-making, her phone, job, computer, and TV to provide disruptions hadn’t found time to spend on the actual coaching needed for this conflict to resolve as simply as it did in the classroom example above.

But What’s a Parent to Do?

Her solution was, “Behave children or I’ll call your father!” Such an admonition is likely to fall on deaf ears! If one child is clearly interested in grabbing attention or disruption for the sake of some self-interest, adult “guidance” is unappreciated by that child at that time.

How Can We Address These Complicated Situations?

Often teachers believe their job is insurmountable without parental assistance. They may feel expected to do all the work of social and emotional learning in school, yet they have so many other requirements. Meanwhile, parents tear out their hair and don’t feel qualified.

Ask Grandma for Child-Rearing help?

Grandma may not have suggestions for you! Though John Rosemond asserts that she’s the one with the answers in his thought-provoking book, he didn’t talk to my grandma! She thought that the world had changed so much that her ways were no longer valid. In fact, I, along with many other parents, was quite overwhelmed as a young mother. And with the day to day rushing around of trying to make a living and being there for my child, I didn’t have much left at bedtime to give the topic enough study! Thankfully, I did learn some important skills from my son’s preschool teacher, Rebecca Janke, M.Ed.   

Schools and Preschools Can Help Lead Parents to Succeed

If both preschools and early elementary schools provide this important learning for the children, parents are often delighted! They happily participate at home by continuing the learning with short take-home activities and suggestions. When everyone is on the same page, success is much more likely. For my Master’s Degree in Business Communications, I did a research study on parent’s opinions of the value of a peace education curriculum in their child’s preschool. Interestingly, most were even willing to pay more to have it.

How about a Kids’ Music and Drama show so parents have an opportunity to listen and learn?

Children singing and demonstrating peace

Children can sing, dance, demonstrate peacemaking skills

We highly encourage providing children opportunities to show off their learning with a dramatization. With the available music, a music and drama show is a wonderful way to educate the entire community as the children, their parents and others attend the show.

 

 

The second step in the STOP for Peace conflict resolution process is T – Tell how you feel

This step can only be attempted after all parties have remembered to do step S – STOP and breathe, and have calmed down. “Tell how you feel” is where we get down to the nitty-gritty of the problem!

Here are specific smart tools for creating a culture of peace through listening and expressing feelings

This section is included With Purchase of the I-Message cubes.

I-message cubes for conflict resolution

I-message cubes for conflict resolution

The I-Message Cubes are so good for learning to listen and communicate through an I-message! By engaging the children in games, the learning is easy. However, even without the cubes, many of the following activities are possible. If you don’t have cubes, start by cutting out magazine faces of people or children showing different emotions. Label them. Here’s information about the cubes and how to use them. They work well with classroom communities, but families can have a lot of fun with the cubes too. You’ll notice the complexity of the exercises increases as you go through the games and activities. Younger children may not be able to learn all the more advanced sentences and skills.

I-Message Cubes: There are four cubes in a set, available here. The feelings depicted on the orange cubes are generally recognized as positive and the blue cubes have feelings that are generally recognized as negative. Then, there is an orange cube with scenarios depicted that are generally considered pleasant and a blue cube with unpleasant times. The exercises below start with just the feelings faces cube in orange and blue. The scenarios come later.

  1. Start with the orange faces cube and show one face at a time, naming the feelings on all six sides. The feelings depicted are happy, joyful, excited, loving, surprised and peaceful. Go back to the first face and ask the children to show that feeling with their bodies. Celebrate their attempts. Repeat until all six sides have been explored.
  2. Do it now with the blue faces cubes. Those feelings are hurt, scared, angry, frustrated, sad and lonely.
  3. Do the same steps but have child/ren pretend to be a certain animal with a particular feeling.
  4. Again, do the same steps but now child/ren pretend to be another member of their family.
  5. Another day children draw a picture of a time they felt “excited.” They draw a picture for the peace journal or a feelings book. Another day they draw a time they were “sad” and so on until all the feelings of the cubes have been explored.
  6. Children can cut out pictures of people showing different feeling and make a feelings “chapter book” with a few pages for each feeling.

Then demonstrate how to use the cubes in the scenarios

This series of activities is designed to focus on positive experiences through role play while developing listening skills and cooperation and building community. It also allows the adult to know the children better (because their interpretations of the art will be directly related to their personal experiences). Children learn to talk about themselves in positive ways and celebrate what is going well.

Adaptations for Those who Don’t have Cubes

Bring in some pictures of scenes for this activity. Scenes like children planting a tree, having a book read to them, going to Grandma’s house, someone bringing another child a gift, playing ball or another game together, and so on. For the not-so-great times, you can find illustrations or pictures of conflicts, pollution, sickness, someone wrecking another child’s work, parent ignoring a child, and so on. Here are two of the pictures from the cubes. You have permission to print them out to use.

Boys fighting over toys need conflict resolution skills

Boys in conflict over toys can cause injury.

Child kicking another child's work over

Conflict happens! Skills are needed.

  1. Hold up the orange cube or your picture showing one scenario. Tell a little story about the scenario by starting with, “This picture reminds me of the time. . .” Pass it to a few children and ask, “What do you think is happening?”
  2. Continue in this manner until all pictures have been explored.
  3. Roll the cube or choose a scenario. Ask the number of children needed, to act out that scenario in the middle of the circle.
  4. Ask the other children what feeling/s they see being acted out.
  5. Take turns rolling the cube and doing role plays for the various depicted scenarios.

Empathy building is key

Use the blue scenario cube. This game helps children learn to respond with empathy to someone’s problem and find alternative points-of-view when an uncomfortable situation occurs.

  1. Hold up the blue scenario cube showing one uncomfortable scene. Have children tell what they think is happening and how they would feel if that happened to them. Rather than acting out the scenario the children can brainstorm some caring activities that could be done instead. Complete until all sides have been explored.
  2. Read a story and ask if various characters are peacemakers. If not, children are invited to become “peace authors” and recreate the story by drawing pictures and telling a new story to the adult. The adult can write down the children’s drawn alternative. If children are writing they can get more elaborate. Remember, we are collecting children’s stories of ways they were peacemakers here on this website. This might be an opportunity for your child/ren to share their story.

Learning the skills for I-Messages 

This game provides visual cues to develop children’s ability to say an I-message when feeling uncomfortable, encourages alternatives to violence, and teaches communicating without attacking or blaming. It also teaches that uncomfortable feelings are okay to talk about and gives children an opportunity to express uncomfortable feelings in a safe place. After children master these skills, celebrate that they now know how to use words instead of fists when uncomfortable feelings arise.

  1. Start by saying the words, “I feel,” and then rolling the blue faces cube, and naming the feeling that comes up on the top of the cube. So, “I feel lonely.” Then roll the other like-colored cube and describe the scene you see: “When someone is reading the paper and won’t pay attention to me.” Notice the words do not include the blaming use of “you” nor do they name anyone. So, instead of “I feel lonely when Dad is reading the paper and won’t put me on his lap,” encourage something more like the previous sentence. By using both the orange and the blue cubes children get the idea that their feelings are wide-ranging and become much more competent at expressing them.
  2. The children take turns rolling the cubes and practicing their I-messages.
  3. When they have mastered the concept in the abstract, go on to specific I-messages for times of trouble when there is no conflict. For example, have the children practice an experimental problem. “Children, if someone has all the crayons and you can’t have any, how do you feel?” Record their I-messages. Then, “If you are the one with all the crayons, how do you feel?” Most often when children won’t share there is some underlying reason. See if you can gain a deeper understanding by listening during this exercise. Then, when the problem comes up you have history to refer to: “Remember when we talked about sharing and other children said they felt sad when someone wouldn’t share? I am sure you don’t want Kyle to feel sad. What feeling keeps you from sharing today, Jessica?” Persist a bit through the “I don’t know.” Use the cubes to prompt her. “Do you feel like this person? Or this?” and so on.
  4. If a child can’t go to I-messages it’s often because they are still too emotionally charged. They may need more time to cool off. Without a tone of punishment, offer a way for the child to get that need met. “Do you need more time to cool off and breathe?” “I know you want to work this out and be a peacemaker. When do you think you’ll be ready to say how you feel?” (But don’t forget to get back to it because conflict avoidance is not a good habit.)
  5. Eventually, many children can demonstrate the deep listening skill of repeating what the speaker has said, “Oh, you feel lonely when no one plays with you?’ This is a wonderful addition to any communications.
  6. Children draw their own scenarios to make new cubes or cover the blue and orange ones in this set!

Time to Celebrate!

Now that the children have the skills for two important pieces of the conflict resolution process, celebrate their learning! Ask them how they want to celebrate.

Another Approach: The “I-Need” Message

In some situations, I-messages are not the right tool. When there is a power imbalance or a big age difference, or when people really don’t care how you feel, another skill is needed. The “I-Need” statement is a separate skill set for children to learn when they are not in a compassionate community. Here’s a great article on that from Kristin Stuart Valdes http://www.morningsidecenter.org/blog/i-need-message. However, in many settings, it is I-messages that can be used.

If you liked this article, please support our work by contributing to our I STOP for Peace campaign at this link. Please like, and please share!

Our upcoming book, I Can See Peace takes empathy and compassion to an even deeper level as it explores ways for children to intentionally and mindfully seek peace. This article from Time.com will give you a glimpse into the importance of that new book. Watch for it soon!

I Can See Peace book cover

I Can See Peace book cover

Every Child has unique, diverse learning styles

Diverse learning styles offer challenges and opportunities, in a classroom or home!

My friend Sam, was an ADHD student going through elementary school in the 60s. He had a miserable experience. The structure of a sit-down classroom was impossible for him, and soon he felt isolated and alone. He was sure that no one cared about him, that he belonged alone in the hall, and that school was a place to be hurt, embarrassed, and maligned. And he didn’t learn a thing. By 8th grade he was so lost and behind that there was no catching up. 

Dropping out early impacted Sam’s entire life. He couldn’t hold a job and had terribly low confidence. His defensiveness resulted in explosive, even violent outbursts. Sam’s life was forever impacted by the adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) he encountered. After he succumbed to the lure of drugs, he couldn’t hold a job, and ultimately ended up incarcerated for larceny. Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology and How You Can Heal by Donna Jackson Nakazawa, provides extensive additional reading on this topic. We highly recommend it!

There are many classrooms and families where Sam would not thrive. If children’s learning styles are not the same as the teacher’s or the parents’ it can be difficult for all. And since Sam has some adverse early childhood experiences such as I describe here (this topic, including what constitutes an adverse childhood experience, will be addressed more thoroughly in subsequent blogs), it becomes even more challenging for him.

Honoring diverse approaches to learning is a critical ability of a parent and/or a teacher

Yes, ACE training is now being provided more often for educators. Instead of harsh discipline, we are learning we must draw in closer to our children and follow their lead. We need to demonstrate love and care for the unique person each child is. By honoring each child’s unique needs and diverse learning styles we can make those critical connections that provide a different outcome from what happened in Sam’s story. If Sam’s teachers had known his family story of neglect, and how vulnerable he was in 3rd grade, after numerous moves from town to town, and the murder of his father, how might Sam’s life and the lives of those he touched, have been changed?

Julie Penshorn, MBC (left) and Rebecca Janke, M.Ed.

Two parents and teachers working to be the best we can be.

This is where Smart Tools for Life comes in. We provide smart tools for classrooms and homes for today’s children!

Hi, my name is Julie Penshorn. I am the author of the Smart Tools for Life children’s books on this site, with content editor and co-author, Rebecca Janke, who blogs at Children’s Peace Education Company (coming soon!). We’ve been working together over the years since 1992 with the nonprofit organization, Growing Communities for Peace.

Developing as a Teacher or Parent Educator

Though I didn’t have any ACEs growing up, I was, and still am an active learner. I evolved into an intense, driven riding teacher, following in the footsteps of my own teachers. It took some time for me to evolve my teaching toward facilitating. Only after I gained some age and perspective did I figure out that the best way for learning to occur for many of my students was to help them feel, learn, and become aware of an experience, on a deep level. I couldn’t “teach” it or “explain” it. The student had to find it. So, it was the horse that did the teaching, and I found my role as a facilitator and a guide. The capability of the horse was important, since heavy, dull, or lame horses gave bad lessons.

Learning to be an effective facilitator drove me to become a children’s book author. I thought maybe here was an opportunity to engage with the Sams of the world in a different way.

Bumper sticker: Life is Short: Ride a Good Horse! or Life is Short, Read a Good Book!

With limited time for children’s stories in classrooms and in homes, adults need good tools. I felt we needed smart tools for children’s lives, specifically stories and music that could educate them that being a loving, caring, participating, peacemaking person, capable of dialogue when in conflict and working out problems, was “normal.” They needed to become “peace literate.”

Valuing diversity all over the world

Children in a classroom are gathered around a globe to show they value all our Earth’s people and value diversity.

 

I saw that children were inherently filled with compassion for others and the planet, and that when they were in close connection with their families and teachers they learned better. With the help of Rebecca Janke, I discovered that I could create a unique learning experience for children by using the illustrations and words to bring a “feel” to the children, much like the way I learned to ride.

Stories and music provide the learning in a memorable way, and we can empathize with the animals or other characters in the story, and share their experiences vicariously. When children read our stories, or are read to, they can feel the characters’ pain and angst, their satisfaction, and their successes. They can see that the story has a given outcome because of the choices that were made along the way. The teacher or parent only must facilitate, which is easily done by reading the children’s book!

Children as the leaders in co-creating a culture of peace.

All our current and upcoming children’s books provide some suggestions for extending the learning in the back of the book. They meet state standard curriculum needs, but each book will also stand alone. So, just read them. Again. And again. Read them until the children recite passages from memory. Then it’s deep in their hearts. Then they “feel” it and you know their lives will be changed as they become the leaders in co-creating a culture of peace.

We need each child. No one is a “throw-away.” We need each flower, each butterfly, each bee, each tree, each ocean. Caring for the most maligned, the lonely, the hurt, the sick and the poor, the displaced, and the miserable, is the only way to bring peace to the planet. The way we raise our children has huge consequences — not only for the children — but also for our society! The children need us, as adults, to facilitate their journey into adulthood.

Smart Tools for Life makes teaching peacemaking skills easy for you, even if you’ve not been focusing on this in the past. We need these skills for our children’s future! Worried that you’re not a Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Dorothy Day, or Mother Theresa? Don’t worry! We make the road by walking. Let’s journey together!

Read news about our books and music. Please investigate the gofundme campaign and support this work! Share with others!

 

A key to Life Success? Starting Early with Peacemaking and Conflict Resolution: New Children’s book for ages 3 to 9 shows how

Without skills for peaceful conflict resolution and problem solving, children are often labeled “bad,” “acting out,” and “disruptive.” But what are they to do when they have strong emotions and no social skills for working out their problems? And what are adults to do to cope with violent behavior at home or at school/preschool?

 

Boys fighting over toys need conflict resolution skills

Boys in conflict over toys can cause injury.

Conflict over limited resources can be an opportunity!

Is this a picture of life at your house or in your classroom? There will always be limited resources in our worlds, whether it’s a classroom or a nation. It’s simply not possible to provide everything every child wants all the time. And, this gives us opportunities for learning as we guide children. But children need tools and skills for managing their anger and staying in community when faced with limited resources and other situations that prompt their frustration, anger, or other emotions. Without these tools they may feel compelled to lash out and potentially hurt themselves and/or others.

As we watch how people are sharing resources as they recover from hurricanes Harvey and Irma, we can be inspired to believe that people can make smart decisions that are good for all, their relationships with each other, and the planet.

Skills for peaceful conflict resolution provide key social and emotional skills!

Over the years, recognition of the importance of social emotional learning (SEL) has swelled. Now, we have governors of several states talking about their goals for educating preschoolers in SEL, based on research showing its importance for adult lives. Hanna Melnick, Channa M. Cook-Harvey, and Linda Darling-Hammond recently wrote in “Encouraging Social and Emotional Learning in the Context of New Accountability” (2017 — provides numerous links and references for further reading):

The Every Student Succeeds Act (ESSA) . . . provides an important opportunity for states to broaden the definition of student success to include measures of students’ social-emotional, as well as academic, development. Social and emotional learning (SEL) is a broad and multifaceted concept, which the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL) defines as “the process through which children and adults acquire and effectively apply the knowledge, attitudes, and skills necessary to understand and manage emotions, set and achieve positive goals, feel and show empathy for others, establish and maintain positive relationships, and make responsible decisions.” Well-implemented programs designed to foster SEL are associated with positive outcomes, ranging from better test scores and higher graduation rates to improved social behavior. 

Of course, children will continue to be significantly impacted throughout their lives by many challenges! But the tools we provide in our children’s books and children’s music are useful for navigating the world safely, with self confidence and joy. We call our tools, “Smart Tools for Life” because it is smart to learn them! Further, they are memorable and engaging, and sink deeply into children’s hearts and minds — often for life. 

“I STOP for Peace” music and “The Barnyard Buddies Stop for Peace”

Our first children’s book is called, “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace.” In it, the characters experience a conflict over resources, and work it out peacefully. They don’t stop there, however, they regain their trust in each other, renew their relationships, and celebrate their success.

Songs for Peace children's music

Share social and other peacemaking skills with children and build a culture of peace!

The book is enhanced by two music CDs: “Songs for Peace,” by Julie Penshorn with Rebecca Janke, and one that specifically supports the learning in the book: “I STOP for Peace,” also by Penshorn with Janke. The children on the music CD refer to the book and connect the dots for you! You can purchase all at www.Amazon.com. Here’s the link for I Stop for Peace music on Amazon, or get it at Smart Tools for Life.

Conflict resolution songs for ages 3 to 9

Children’s music, conflict resolution songs for ages 3 to 9. I STOP for Peace, by Julie Penshorn

Tools in your “smart” toolbox!

When you have a tool like The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace, in your parenting and teacher toolbox, you can connect it to any ongoing program you have, or it can be a freestanding program. It’s especially appropriate to the needs of young children ages 3 to 9.

Children develop relationships with the characters that can be used to enhance their learning in a variety of ways. For example, when children are in conflict you can ask: “Now how would Mrs. McCloud (the owl, and the key peacemaker in the story) solve that?” The end result in the story is better relationships, more community, and no blame, shame, or harsh punishments. Why shouldn’t all our conflicts end that way?

A Story

A friend brought a four-year-old to the book reading (partially shown on the video above). After the book reading, she, her boyfriend, and the child went to the zoo. It was a rainy day like in the book. My friend told me later that when they walked by the zebras the child said, “Look at that zebra! He’s just like King! He’s not sharing the space under the leanto!” Already, she was connecting the characters in the book to her daily life and to others in it.

Teacher and parent guide in the book

An added benefit of the book, “The Barnyard Buddies STOP for Peace,” is that it contains a teacher and parent guide, plus the music for the “I STOP for Peace” song. You don’t have to struggle to integrate this book with your curriculum. It effortlessly flows into it. In fact, it can BE your conflict resolution curriculum! With the music to enhance memorability, children will soon be conflict resolution experts!

There are as many ways to be peacemakers as there are people. The joy of finding a resolution to conflict that enhances our lives rather than detracts from it, is sublime! So, we learn the skills, we practice, and it becomes easier and more natural every time.

Next time we’ll talk about the most important step in that conflict resolution process: STOP and breathe.
See you next time!

Songs for Peace children's music

Smart Tools for Life Announces: New Children’s Music, “Songs for Peace” 

“If we are to reach real peace in this world, we shall have to begin with the children,” said Gandhi. But how do we begin with the children if there are very few materials that specifically are designed to build the social skills so important in today’s world? Worse yet, today’s children can’t count on adults to role model these skills. At Smart Tools for Life, and our sister site: Children’s Peace Education Company (coming soon), we are making sure you have the materials to make learning the important social skills of peacemaking, peacebuilding, and peacekeeping fun and engaging for the children in your lives and you also have the support you are looking for to be effective role models and coaches for the youngsters.

The sessions you spend with children sharing our materials will not be boring lessons! You’re likely to find it’s the best time of the day and surely it’s the most important one! Check out this recent article: from www.upworthy.com. Here’s an excerpt from this article where Evan Porter’s talking about a recent study:

“. . .  the 19-year study paints a pretty clear picture: Pro-social behavior matters, even at a young age. And because it can be learned, it’s a great ‘target for prevention or intervention efforts.’

“The bottom line? We need to do more than just teach kids information. We need to invest in teaching them how to relate to others and how to handle the things they’re feeling inside.

“Ignoring social skills in our curricula could have huge ramifications for our kids down the road.”

And that’s why we think it’s SMART to share our TOOLS!

The mission of our nonprofit, Growing Communities for Peace, is to create communities capable of peace. At Smart Tools for Life we are constantly developing children’s books, music, and other materials specifically to develop, maintain and support this culture. While children are enjoying the books and music, they will learn all sorts of “smart tools” that they can use throughout their lives. These smart tools include: peaceful conflict resolution, anger management (or how to use their anger wisely), and how to show caring, kindness, and compassion for themselves, others, and the Earth.

And thanks to your efforts, it will be the children that really change the culture, as their lives reflect the new “normal.” A normal where dialogue is used instead of violence, where care and kindness for “others” is commonplace, where people know how to work out their conflicts peacefully, and violence is so far down the list of possible choices, it is rare.

Between the ages of three and nine, children are sponges. The way they learn is different from how they will learn as adults. It’s a perfect opportunity to set in motion the wheels that will eventually turn the heavy load: our entire culture!

Songs for Peace

Our new music, Songs for Peace has 3 to 9 year-olds in mind. This upbeat music, geared for even those youngsters with short attention spans and a lively nature, includes movement on “I Can Make Peace All Over the Land,” (with feet and hands stamping and clapping) and on “Stretch High and Round.” There is dialogue between the songs that shows children that other children embrace this music. Children celebrate themselves on “I Smile at Myself,” “I’m Always the Right Age,” and “The Good Heart Journal.” They learn why it’s great to have diversity on, “Hurray! We’re Different (And Alike).” Downloads and CDs available at Amazon.com, or go to our products page and purchase it here. Also check out our other new music “I STOP for Peace.” More in the next blog.